Vladimir Putin shoots a fucking tiger
Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin was hailed by the Russian media yesterday as a hero, for stopping a Siberian Tiger from attacking a television crew. One always wonders when something like this happens in Russia - a country not particularly well known for having an un-biased, non-naked media - whether the whole thing was staged. Particularly seeing as the tiger was a captive one that happened to "escape" right when the Prime Minister was standing nearby with a tranquilizer rifle along with a gaggle of reporters. I don't find it that hard to imagine the Russian government duping their own media, but then again my attitudes towards the Russians are clouded by a lifetime of watching 80's cinema and an embarrassingly poor grasp on reality. Up until a couple years ago, I still blamed those fuckers for killing the most talented and flamboyant boxer of our generation. Still, unless evidence shows up to prove my drunken theories, we'll have to take the story at face value. So join me as I stand and slowly and deliberately applaud Putin's heroic display. This also highlights the fact that though we may hear about every little scandal or peed-on-prostitute in a politicians life, we so rarely hear about times when they perform an heroic feat like this. The closest thing Americans have is the one time a couple years back when Dick Cheney bravely shot a close personal friend in the face, thinking him to be a terrorist, a duck, or both. Let's turn then and look at impressive feats performed by other world leaders, past and present. I was originally intending to do a whole bunch of research (reading Wikipedia counts) and tracking down real little-known facts about famous leaders. But that sounded way too much like work for me and learning for you, which is the sort of bullshit that September is all too often about. So in the end I just decided to make everything up instead. Consider it a back-to-school present.
Little-Known But Impressive Feats of World Leaders
Deng Xiaoping once kicked a medium sized dog across an entire room.
Jimmy Carter wrestled a bear during the Camp David Accords to demonstrate something to Egyptian and Israeli leaders.
Margaret Thatcher could eat over 35 hard boiled eggs in a sitting.
Jacques Chirac has the ability to tell if anyone is gay, with close to 70% accuracy.
Winston Churchill once drank 25 martinis in an evening, but still had the strength to stand on his own power and punch a woman in the face.
A committed pacifist, Mahatma Ghandi was never known to commit violence upon another person, but he was feared in the Indian battle rap scene for his devastating rhymes.
In college, George W. Bush once beat an entire lesbian softball team in a drinking contest.
During his 4 years in office, Gerald Ford peed in every single sink in the White House.
According to official records, Kim Jong Il was toilet trained from birth.
To win a bar bet, Bill Clinton once stayed married to a woman for over 30 years.