Urine Attack! Set Terror Condition Yellow!
Last Friday a man burst into two supermarkets in England with a squeeze bottle full of what appeared to be urine, which he then proceeded to spray over the produce section. Authorities claim that over the preceding week the same man did something similar over food in a pub, and again in a children's book store. Gross. If you're anything like me, the mere thought of this will have completely ruined your appetite for produce, beer and children. The accused, a Mr. Sahnoun Daifallah, was unavailable for comment, so we can only speculate as to the motives he might have had for the attack, although "Because He's Fucking Crazy" seems a likely contender. (Also possible: "Dude Really Hates Vegetables.") The primary reason I was unable to secure a quote from Mr. Daifallah is because I was too terrified to go anywhere near the man. Hell, I'm terrified of going anywhere near anything that might potentially be used to contact him - at the moment all the phones in my house are underneath an upturned garbage can in the center of the living room with a rock on top of it. A situation which my girlfriend isn't terribly happy about, if I correctly read the mewling sounds she's making about needing to call her mother and my "crazy, searching eyes." Hopefully she'll soon realize that the Chris Bucholz Homestead Security Agency is acting in her best interests, and that any threats I may have made concerning extraordinary rendition were, for the moment, playful. Anyways, if we go back to the post-911 language we've only just finally stopped using, fruits and vegetables are what are technically referred to as "soft targets." Counter-intuitively this is not because of their relative pliability, but because of the logistical difficulties and costs inherent in securing several million grapes, bananas,