Last Friday a man burst into two supermarkets in England with a squeeze bottle full of what appeared to be urine, which he then proceeded to spray over the produce section. Authorities claim that over the preceding week the same man did something similar over food in a pub, and again in a children's book store. Gross. If you're anything like me, the mere thought of this will have completely ruined your appetite for produce, beer and children.
The accused, a Mr. Sahnoun Daifallah, was unavailable for comment, so we can only speculate as to the motives he might have had for the attack, although "Because He's Fucking Crazy" seems a likely contender. (Also possible: "Dude Really Hates Vegetables.") The primary reason I was unable to secure a quote from Mr. Daifallah is because I was too terrified to go anywhere near the man. Hell, I'm terrified of going anywhere near anything that might potentially be used to contact him - at the moment all the phones in my house are underneath an upturned garbage can in the center of the living room with a rock on top of it. A situation which my girlfriend isn't terribly happy about, if I correctly read the mewling sounds she's making about needing to call her mother and my "crazy, searching eyes." Hopefully she'll soon realize that the Chris Bucholz Homestead Security Agency is acting in her best interests, and that any threats I may have made concerning extraordinary rendition were, for the moment, playful.
Anyways, if we go back to the post-911 language we've only just finally stopped using, fruits and vegetables are what are technically referred to as "soft targets." Counter-intuitively this is not because of their relative pliability, but because of the logistical difficulties and costs inherent in securing several million grapes, bananas,
et al. For the moment, keeping a Predator drone on station over every Safeway in the country will have to remain something from one of Tom Clancy's fevered dreams.
Indeed, as much as I would appreciate the security of knowing that a heavily armed robot was watching me buy food, the fact that the cost of Cheetos would rise to something like $4,500 per bag would increase my personal Cheetos budget by something like $200,000 per week. That's just not sustainable.
Which brings me, in a crazy and rambling manner, to another point: Cheetos. As it may have occurred to you by now, these delicious corn based snacks, and indeed any foodstuff in hermetically sealed packaging, are invulnerable to urine based attacks. It would only take a stock manager a couple seconds with a hose to render a bag of Cheetos good as new following an attack of this nature. Of course that is if no-one saw him, or asked any difficult questions, e.g: "You're not actually going to sell those are you?" and also "What the hell is wrong with you?" So if this episode teaches us anything, it's the extreme vulnerability of our non fast-food chain to the works of evil doers and lunatics, and makes my all-Cheetos based diet look substantially more healthy than the twin pillars of medical science and common sense would otherwise have you believe.
So to tie this all off, let me get some reader feedback: where's the most amusing place you've peed? I'll give you bonus points for making me laugh, and subtract points if I have to co-operate with the authorities in tracking you down.