‘Brides will say things like, ‘It’s my special day.’ But how do you call it your day if your dad’s paying for it? I think it’s his day, and I think it’s a really weird day for him. He’s paying a ton of money to make sure a man has sex with you that night’
The internet is a big place, but there can only be so many Tay Zondays and LonelyGirl15s. Not everyone can become a crossover internet celebrity, and behind every one of these superstars there are a thousand others just like them, posting video after video and hoping one of them sticks. Naturally, most of them won't make the cut. The following users represent only a fraction of a percentage of the YouTube users currently clogging up the internet tubes with absolute garbage - if you can think of others that deserve to be shamed, feel free to add them in the comments below. Or don't, actually - additional exposure will only encourage them.
GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT: #98 - Most Subscribed (All Time) - Canada
HEROIC DEEDS: How many times have you booted up your computer, logged onto the internet and thought to yourself, "You know what would be great right now? Watching a video of some guy from Vancouver pulling bongs in his mom's basement"? For years it was nothing more than a pipe dream, but now
1marijuanaman has stepped in and made it a pipe reality.
I'm not sure what exactly this guy thinks he's accomplishing by smoking weed on the internet, but it certainly seems to be resonating with the fine people of Canada. What does it say about your national character when some guy who makes videos of himself getting stoned can be your country's 98th most subscribed YouTube user? Does this reflect on Canada as a whole, or is Vancouver like its own weird red-eyed sovereign nation? Either way,
coffee mugs and tote bags are available
... so... yeah. Don't worry about that. He's got it covered.
Be sure to tune in on 4/20, when 1marijuanaman is totally going to post a video of himself SMOKING POT. It's going to be awesome.
GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT: Uhh...
HEROIC DEEDS: If posting nearly 500 videos of yourself freaking out about professional wrestling and verbally abusing your own mother makes you a hero, then I can't think of too many people who deserve the title more than reymon14. He also takes viewers on a strange emotional journey in a very short time span: at first you feel terrible for wanting to laugh at some kid who most likely has mental problems, but after you hear him singing along to Limp Bizkit and threatening to kill his own mom, it kind of makes you feel okay about it. Give it a full three minutes and you'll be like, "Yeah, this kid has mental problems, but he doesn't have to be such a dick." By the time five minutes go by you'll be openly laughing at a 12-year-old special ed student and feeling fine.
Maybe. You know - if you're a bad person.
Name: Pruane2Forever (aka The Sexman)
GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT: #46 - Most Subscribed (All Time) - Canada
HEROIC DEEDS: Although he's already been featured multipletimes on the Daily Nooner, I feel like it would be a glaring omission to exclude Pruane2Forever from this list. His voice is obnoxious, his opinions are questionable, and he has an unparalleled knack for inspiring hatred in his viewers, but the Sexman remains singular in his vision: he hates Jerry Seinfeld, he likes Rambo, and he thinks everyone on the internet should know how he feels about these subjects.
Of course, not everyone is interested in what he has to say
, but despite the thousands of commenters insulting his teeth (and frequently threatening to murder him), Sexman demonstrates an unwavering commitment to his completely run-of-the-mill opinions. For that, I feel that Pruane2Forever clearly deserves a silver medal.
Not a gold one, though. Let's not get carried away.
GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT: #31 - Most Subscribed (All Time) - Canada
HEROIC DEEDS: Have you ever done something stupid and had someone tell you "C'mon - you're old enough to know better"? For most of us that's the end of the story - you rescrew the salt and pepper shakers, put your genitals back in your pants and apologize profusely to the waitress - but is that really what you should be doing? Isn't that kind of a copout? When someone says "C'mon - you're old enough to know better," shouldn't you respond like visiblemode
and be like, "Age ain't nothin but a number!"? Shouldn't you spray whipped cream all over your feet, hump a pile of lettuce, and pretend to pee in your pants? Shouldn't you then pretend to cut your finger off and prance around your studio apartment in a pair of pantyhose like an ooh-la-la pretty lady? Some might say no, that you should grow up and act like an adult, but when your material is as funny as this visiblemode guy, I think society at large will be willing to make an exception for you. You know - like "We were gonna call you pathetic, but then we saw your hilarious lettuce-humping, pretending-to-pee-in-your-pants routine. Nevermind! Kid power!"
So yeah - stay young forever.
GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT: #25 - Most Subscribed (All Time) - Comedians
HEROIC DEEDS: I can roll my eyes and crack jokes, but the sad fact remains that ArtieTSMITW racked up a whopping 4 million views on a video called "Strange Faces and Noises I Can Make III" (not to be confused with parts I and II, which scored a pathetic 1 and 1.6 million respectively) and is the 25th most subscribed comedian of all time on YouTube. Now given, the #1 most subscribed users, smosh, describe themselves as "2 20 yeer young boys makin vidio" and are best known for this ADORABLE video of themselves lip-synching to the theme song to Mortal Kombat, but 25th is still nothing to shake a stick at. Youtube's unwashed masses have spoken, and they've made it very clear what they want: videos of people making funny faces. Just compare the following search results:
Search for "funny face":35,600 resultsSearch for "serious face":2,330 results
The proof is in in the pudding, folks: If you want to get famous on YouTube, you better learn how to put your entire fist in your mouth.
Actually, that's probably good advice no matter what kind of fame you're after. I take it all back - this guy is going to be huge.
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In 1992, ‘Hare Jordan’ launched an onscreen friendship between the basketball star and the cartoon icon. It also set in motion the way advertisers still think about how to make funny spots for the Big Game