Everything You Need To Live Your Own '80s Adventure Movie
Have you ever felt like running away from home to live in the forest, just you and the trees, away from the pressures of society?
Sometimes, I guess.
It's an understandable impulse. Fallout 5 is years from being released. Your roommates are always "forgetting" their wallets when you go out for brunch. There's never been a better time to just run away and live amongst woodland creatures.
Every time! They make me pay every time!
We know. It's very unfair.
Hmm. Tell me more about this running away thing.
It's great! No one tweets hate-mongering things at you and you get to poop wherever you want. That's why the Cracked Dispensary and the Cracked Store are teaming up to provide you with everything you need to sneak off into the night and start anew.
You're going to need to dress warm if you're looking to make it on your own, so remember to pack this long sleeve Street Fighter / Say Anything shirt. We'll be upfront with you, living alone can be painful at times. Leaving your loved ones behind will be like taking a Hadoken to your feelings. So stay strong, wear this shirt, and don't be ashamed if you cry a little while listening to "In Your Eyes" as you drive away.
Who can forget that time in 1982 when E.T. left home only to confront Earth's greatest warrior? (That is what happened right? It's been awhile since we've seen that movie, or the sequel E.T. 2 : Game of Death.) E.T. is synonymous with living away from home, so wear this t-shirt in his honor. And never overlook the fact that, while leaving home is difficult, it can't be any tougher than getting kicked in your scrawny little moon-throat.
The movie might have been named Ferris Bueller's Day Off, but anyone paying attention knows the real hero was Cameron Frye. Who else but Cameron could leave home on a whim, sick as all hell, just to support his buddy? Take this travel pillow on your own adventure and if you happen across a water tower, paint the name Cameron Frye on it. God knows he deserves it.
OK, I'm packing now. What else will I need?
Wow, we can't believe you're doing this! You idio - we mean, that's great! That's the adventurous spirit! Here are the top 5 survival items you'll need, straight from the Cracked Store.
Name: Bundeze Band-it Wallet
Specs: Elastic, light-weight wallet that carries cards, cash, bottle opener, wrench, Phillips head screwdriver, and all the buy-10-get-one-free punch cards you can handle.
Why you'll need it: Because there's no better way to make friends on the road than by being the guy who has a bottle opener in the clutch.
Specs: Pocket knife that clips to your belt. Features a razor-sharp 440 stainless steel blade, seat belt cutter & glass breaker.
Why You'll Need It: If you've read Hatchet, you know that the only way to survive in the wild is with a sharp cutting tool. And with emotional growth, but we haven't figured out a pop culture-friendly way to sell that yet.
Name: Tactical Flashlight
Specs: Water resistant. Five high-powered LED light modes. Brightness of 1000-2000 lumens. Lifespan of up to 100,000 hours. You can get it recharged, but if you haven't already developed super-night vision by hour 100,001, then why are you even out here?
Why You'll Need It: Your forest friends will love it when you use this flashlight for a spooky ghost story. That and being able to function in any capacity after 6pm.
Specs: Wind proof. Splash proof. Electricity-generated plasma beam. 300 uses on a single charge.
What You'll Use It For: You'll always be able to start a fire, regardless of weather conditions. Nab the Fire Safety Merit Badge in about 2 seconds. Show those twelve-year-olds what a real expert looks like.
Specs: Hand crank charged. Able to charge phone or laptop. Carries FM, AM, and Weather Band stations. Loud Siren & WB Alert Button
What You'll Use It For: If things ever get dicey, it's always nice to have a backup plan. Plus, you'll want to stay up to date on who's making the Top 40 charts in the real world.
So long, society! Hello, nature!
Before you go off into the great unknown, just remember that you can get everything you need by scrolling up and clicking on the links. Click the links for the Cracked Dispensary and the Cracked Store here to browse all of our items, both survival gear and otherwise. Safe travels and try not to get The Revenant-ed.