How much can your philosophy be worth if you're constantly obliterating one of its core tenets? If I'm walking around preaching the gospel of Luis Prada, telling everyone I meet that through hard work, sacrifice, and not having sex with horses everyone can lead a successful life like me, but then it's discovered that I not only love having sex with horses but I actually own a horse brothel, what then?
In case you were wondering, their names are Hot To Trot, Dressage With A Happy Ending, and Hung Like A Me.
From this, the public can deduce that Pradasim is really about working hard (to have sex with horses), sacrifice (-ing the innocence of horses so that I may have sex with them), and, of course, having sex with horses. It does more than show I'm a hypocrite. My actions would have altered the meaning of my core beliefs and how they're practically applied.
With that established, I now present the point of this metaphor: The GOP has been f*****g a lot of horses lately.
The specific horse they're just wailing away at lives at the nexus between the GOP's love of personal responsibility and the Trump administration's love of plagiarism. I'm a writer, as exemplified by my tasteful horse boning metaphor. Stealing other people's words and passing them off as my own would be one of the most heinous sins I could commit. When we here at Cracked find out someone stole one of our articles, we do our very best to ruin them, as we all should to anyone who tries to pass off other people's work as their own in any field. Except for government, apparently. Plagiarism runs rampant throughout the highest levels of the Trump administration ... and we're cool with it? Weird, considering its discovery was once so damning it could end a presidential campaign.
Did you know that when Joe Biden ran for president in 1988 his bid ended soon after it was discovered that he had plagiarized a speech written by a British politician?
Did you also know that in his campaign for the presidency, Donald Trump blatantly plagiarized an op-ed written by the stupidest brain surgeon in the world, Ben Carson, less than a month after Carson's essay was published? Did you also know Donald Trump eventually became president because ethics are for losers?
Alex Wong/Getty Images
Carson is seen here trying to forge a telepathic link with a dolphin.
Trump set the standard early and has since surrounded himself with a Justice League of plagiarists.
Melania used her powers of theft to steal enormous chunks of her RNC speech from Michelle Obama's DNC speech from 8 years earlier. Trump's Supreme Court pick Neil Gorsuch plagiarized entire passages from an article in a law journal for his 2006 book on the cheery subject of assisted suicide.
Fox News personality Monica Crowley dropped out of the running to be part of Trump's National Security Council after it was revealed that she'd plagiarized portions of her PhD dissertation and had plagiarized over 50 times in a book released in 2012.
Number One Enemy of Bears and Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos set a fine example for the children of America when she lifted text word-for-word from various sources and passed them off as her own written responses during her confirmation hearing. And the new assistant secretary of the Department of Homeland Security David Clarke plagiarized 47 times in his master's thesis.
Plagiarism is so deeply ingrained within the DNA of this administration that at one point it actually manifested into a physical object. The cake Trump cut into on the night of his inauguration was an exact unauthorized replica of the cake Barack Obama cut into four years earlier during his inauguration. Their devotion to plagiarism is so real that people were able to feel guilty about eating a decadent slice of plagiarism that'll go straight to their thighs but not feel guilty about the actual plagiarism.
In every other walk of life, people are punished for stealing other people's work. We disappeared Carlos Mencia like he was a mob lackey turned FBI informant after he was caught stealing other people's jokes. I think he's holed up in a cabin in Wyoming with a bushy beard, doing Louis CK bits to passing elk. We've held Carlos Mencia to a higher standard than a presidential administration.
Mencia seen here shielding a dolphin from Ben Carson's telepathic rays.
It could be that Trump and co. are flooding us with so much horror that we've set up a triage to help us prioritize the constant stream of scandals. The Secretary of Education seems to be cool with the discrimination of LGBTQ students and the president himself is blabbing classified information so people will think he's cool. Plagiarism suddenly doesn't seem too important, even though it speaks volumes about who you are at your core and whether that core is made of pure heavenly light or is a loose ball of moldy foreskins sloppily held together with blue cheese.
For years, Republicans whined that they didn't know how to tell their kids it's cool if two dudes suck each other's dicks. In the very near future, we're going to need to debate how to tell our kids that plagiarizing won't get them anywhere in life even though the brood of thieving dipshits deathly allergic to original thoughts at the top of America's power structure invalidates that wisdom.
All of these people had the chance to remove the shadow of a doubt that they were plagiarists by doing small, simple things like citing sources or using quotation marks. You could even say it was their personal responsibility to do so. And they all failed with intense gusto. They failed triumphantly.
Since they're the party of personal responsibility, and are now the party of stealing other people's work, they're saying it's your personal responsibility to cheat your way to the top -- even if doing so goes against everything you claim to stand for. So remember: If you want to be as amazing as me, you'll have to work hard, sacrifice, and under no circumstances can you have sex with horses. And here's a new addition to the list: Ignore me as I have sex with this horse.
Her name is Unbridled Love.
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