Hey, Cracked fans! The Cracked Dispensary is back, baby! And today, we're cutting right to the good stuff. Here are four staff favorites which you can buy from Cracked. If you buy these items and you're not satisfied, then we personally guarantee ... nothing. We guarantee nothing. We don't have that kind of power here. But we really, really think you'll like them. So here's hoping!

The Cracked Store Staff Picks

We were fans of Cracked long before we started working here, and by now, we're so used to checking for a new episode of After Hours that we can track the lunar calendar with YouTube clicks. Whenever we wear this, someone stops us and squeals, "Is that an After Hours shirt? I love After Hours!" Which is always great, because statistically speaking, if you're a fan of After Hours, you're probably a fun and extremely attractive person. We then see who can spot the most pop culture references, talk about our favorite After Hours OTP (Dan and the waitress, anyone?), and eventually fall in love, get married on a hillside, and adopt adorable twin children. Again, this happens every time we wear this shirt.

The Cracked Store Staff Picks

It's a coffee mug on which Tesla holds Thor's hammer, Mjolnir, as it spews out lightning. Look, there's not much more to say. If you don't see why that's freaking awesome, then you don't belong on this website. For the record, you can get most of our prints on any item, from phone cases to throw pillows, but we prefer Tesla on the coffee mug. When someone notices the print and blurts out, "Holy thundernuts, that cup is seriously badass!" there's just something triumphant about being able to say, "Yes, holy thundernuts indeed," and then smugly sip your coffee.

The Cracked Store Staff Picks

The Illumibowl is an LED light for your toilet seat. It shines in eight different colors, was featured on Shark Tank, and is the greatest thing to ever happen to bowel movements since humanity decided to ditch tree leaves. Now, the product page will tell you this was made so you don't stumble around at night searching for the toilet, presumably pissing on everything in your wake. But we're Cracked fans. We know that after midnight, the world is our bathroom, and cleaning up is a job for the lesser beings of the morning. No, what makes the Illumibowl fantastic is that we now finally have a way to sync up a laser light show with our farts. And let us tell you, once you've pooped like you're directing a Daft Punk concert, there's no going back.

The Cracked Store Staff Picks

Hey, you can presume whatever you'd like about us and what we choose and choose not to use this Pokeball grinder for. Make your JigglyPUFF and your BULBasaur and your DragonAIGHT jokes. In fact, if someone in the comments manages to create a list of smoking puns using all 150 original Pokemon, we'll pay for your shipping ourselves. (Koffing's a freebie. Also, shipping is free.) But we'll just say this: We'd buy a moldy onion if they painted it like a Pokeball. The fact that this baby comes in high-grade aluminum, is sized to perfection, and is, as they say, a "dope-ass grinder" ... buying it isn't even a question, for hardcore and casual gamers alike.

"OK, great! This all looks rad. So how do I get it?"

Fantastic question, large, center-aligned font we use to project onto our audience! You can click on any of the images to get to their product pages, or click on any of these links to shop at the Cracked Dispensary or the Cracked Store. In the meantime, try not to get too carried away smugly drinking coffee from your Tesla mug. We've been on the Illumibowl all day. Happy shopping!

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