The 8 Worst Types of Blog on the Internet
Back in 2007, when the Internet was young, a plucky and ambitious group of hellions going by the name "Cracked.com" launched a feature on their site called the Cracked Blog. There, an elite team of barely legal humorists posted their thoughts about themselves, the state of society and semi-popular television programming. It was, in every sense, marvelous -- every word a bolt of golden silk, hanging in an eternal summer breeze. But time passed, and the bloggers started getting worn out, tired with the hectic pace of updating multiple times a day. They began writing longer posts that appeared less frequently, eventually shape-shifting into a MILF-ish group whom we now call the Cracked Columnists. By late 2008, the Cracked Blog was dead, a loss which would soon rattle the world's economy to its core. But it turns out that despite Cracked's wholesale abandonment of the medium, blogging didn't die out at the same time. Since then, many different blogs have continued to thrive and evolve. There are blogs about video games and blogs about food, and even a blog where there are pictures of a cat saying things. This is all well and good, but unfortunately, not all blogs have achieved such lofty feats. Many, in truth, suck all sorts of balls. Below is a list of some of the worst examples of how the blog format has been misused.
#8: The "Let's Start a Blog" BlogYou know what these are like. The first post (which still hasn't scrolled off the front page) says something like "Test" or "I Have A Blog!" The next three posts are a little less focused. And then nothing. It's a problem of access, or too much of a good thing. A blog is a place to say something, and even though they're freely available to anyone who can fog a mirror, this does not imply that all mirror-foggers have something to say.* __ *These are not to be confused with people who do have something to say, but shouldn't, like computer programmers.
#7: The Corporate BlogThis is the type of blog that talks about all the exciting things that some company is doing, like, oh let's say Lenovo. Even if for some bizarre reason you are interested in what Lenovo is doing -- perhaps you're Lenovo's mother? - these blogs are still pretty useless. Crafted by junior public relations staff and read exclusively by the same junior public relations staff, reading one of these blogs is like paddling a beige canoe across a sea of banality. Think about it: If you wanted to find out anything about what a company was up to, would you first check its blog? Or search it on Google News?
#6: The Shill BlogOne of the generally useful blog types out there are the Overzealous Nerd blogs, which is a term I've just invented which I'm pretty happy about. You know the blogs I'm talking about: They get all excitable about technologies and products. Thirty posts a day about the latest issues with tablet computers. That kind of nonsense.
#5: The Parrot BlogThis is a blog which seems to exist solely to reprint, quote or link to other people's content. You can find these blogs everywhere, but by their very nature, they prefer cropping up in the more heavily populated parts of the blogoverse.
This does not make you a reporter. This makes you a secretary; at most a pornographer, and even that takes good balance and a gentle touch.There are a lot of varieties of parroting, three of which I've listed below:
#4: The Spam BlogThe worst of the worst, stumbling upon one of these blogs is like being hit in the groin with a mallet labeled "You Clicked the Wrong Link, Idiot." The owners of these blogs trawl lists of popular search terms, then create posts which recite those search terms verbatim, all in an attempt to suck in traffic. They exist solely to exist, as well as sell ad space for awful products. Search engine optimization, dubious anti-spyware software and tiny cameras are typical, as well as pop-ups filled with horrible viruses.
I actually tried to search for a screenshot of a spam blog before I remembered that I didn't want my computer to get chlamydia. Here's a picture of an entire canned pig instead. It's a pretty small tin, so the contents are probably under pressure. Careful opening it, I guess.
#3: The Snark BlogThese are blogs which exist solely to toss petty insults at various public figures, typically celebrities. The defining feature of these is their meanness; the humor value in their insults is often completely absent. Yes, Charlie Sheen/Lindsey Lohan/Whoever The Fuck did something embarrassing last night. Of course they did. Because they've got fucking substance abuse problems. It's not funny; it's kind of sad.
An early draft of Mr. Mean actually had three pages of him taking low angle photographs of women getting out of cars.I understand that some of these blogs are very popular, but that doesn't make them any less awful. That they're popular isn't an argument for snark blogs; it's an argument against humanity. If I were to make one suggestion to the snark blogs, it would be to stop picking on the easy targets. Take some swipes at well liked figures. Everyone's all up on Betty White these days, let's start calling her out. Maybe see if we can get some photos of Kirk Douglas trying to get out of bed. See if there are any jokes in that,
#2: The Crazed BlogThese lurk on the fringes of legitimate parts of the blogoplex, often around political blogs. You'll stumble upon these occasionally while browsing useful sites, maybe while pursuing an automatically generated link looking for Hillary Clinton upskirts. (This is all hypothetical.) Their insanity is easy to pick out when you arrive, as they tend to prefer garish fonts and graphical themes, animated gifs and heavy capitalization of words like Truth, Underground, Crystals, Secrets, Patriot, etc. ... They'll also usually have links to self-published books written by self-published book writin' kind of authors.
#1: The Micro BlogThese blogs are run by the minutiae-mongers, sorry souls who feel the need to itemize every minute of every day for an audience which I'm certain is fictional. I mean, the people who post blogs about their feelings are one thing, but at least they have something to say ("Alas!" typically). But the micro bloggers crowd the Internet with posts that have
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