The 7 Dumbest Things You'll See In Every Sorority Video
Autumn has come once again, and with it comes the season's time-endured traditions. Eau de Pumpkin is forcibly distributed through baked goods, candles, and air vents. Plaid resurges from the depths of our storage bins. And most importantly, the bonds of collegiate sisterhood are prominently on display on YouTube, beckoning with outstretched arms to join in on the fun.
Along with descending en masse on Starbucks in yoga pants to inject Pumpkin Spice directly into their veins, in the fall, sororities at every college release their recruitment videos, promoting what makes their house the one you've got to join. So do they sit down and explain the charities they partner with, their chapter's big events, and their core values? No, of course not. The only way to get a sense of who these young women are and what they're about is extensive drone footage, choreographed jumping, and glitter.
How then can one tell the difference between, say, Alpha Xi Delta at the University of Washington and Alpha Xi Delta at East Carolina University? At first look, you can't. There might be more of the aforementioned plaid and hot beverages in the former, but 97 percent of these videos are identical.
Here are the elements of a successful sorority recruitment video. Honestly, if the chapter you are looking to join does not fit all of these tropes into their video, burn their house down.
Blowing Glitter
Comedian Demetri Martin once famously said that "glitter is the herpes of craft supplies," to which all sorority sisters must have responded, "Plague me." Girls grabbing handfuls of glitter and then blowing it out of their hands directly into the camera lens is the new black. Glitter falls neatly (though not literally so) into the category of these gals having a fun mess. Look how crazy they are! They throw paint and glitter on one another!
The girl at the 1:18 mark below even blows Parmesan cheese onto pizza, which is truly inventive, silly, and going to be a huge mess for Juanita, the house's paid help, to get out of the tile grout.
But before you can form any strong stance on the idea of house mothers and maids, the girls will blow glitter directly into your eyeballs and distract you from that momentary ethical crisis.
Jumping Off Cliffs
God forbid anyone suggest girls in sororities don't have a sense of adventure. As you can see in exactly every single recruitment video, Greek girls love jumping off of very high places into water or sand. What could such a recurring symbol mean? They are courageous.
In free-falling through space, the girls can momentarily break free from the restraints of a patriarchal hegemony which forces them to blowout their hair before jumping into a crystal-blue reservoir. They will have bad knees one day.
Truly, though, they do jump from very high heights that make me incredibly nervous. If I may suggest something to these girls, stunts like this will alienate potential recruits with vertigo!
Drone Shots
Great for killing innocent Yemeni people and capturing killer shots of sorority sisters -- what can't drones do? The fun thing about the extensive use of aerial drone footage is imagining the college's IT guy operating the camera drone as four dozen girls crowd onto their house's balcony like there is a five-alarm fire inside.
Without these shots, how would we know how tiny these girls are? They are tinier than the campus. They are tinier than the entire sky. So small and far away.
Lens Flares
A huge part of partying in the middle of the day is being in the sun. And while it looks like these gals are unaffected by sunburns or heat exhaustion, they do fall victim to something just as serious: lens flare.
Technically, lens flare is when light is internally reflected within a camera lens, which causes sun spots. Emotionally, lens flare is when sorority sisters are having so much fun and are so blissed out that the camera is literally unable to capture the experience. Alternatively, it's a metaphor for the blackout drinking culture of Greek life.
If lens flare were a currency, these videos would be selling for millions. The ultimate sorority recruitment video is just a NASA livestream of the Sun.
Back Flips
Every sorority has one sister who can do a back flip, and from what I can tell, they are forced to do it at every social gathering many, many times.
It is sort of like they are a mascot for the sorority, but they don't have to hide in a beaver costume or something gross. So in that way, it is more freeing, but god forbid they get bad knees from cliff-jumping and can't flip upside down and the entire sorority is shamed away from all parties.
Without Back Flip Sister, they are just normal walking sorority, and will never find husbands.
Laying Down In A Circle
Being very fun and very beautiful is exhausting. These girls have been cliff-jumping, doing back flips, running around campus, and have probably inhaled a lot of glitter. That's why all sorority recruitment videos have a hearty portion where the girls lay down in a circle.
They aren't exactly resting, because they have to do their hand signals, but luckily, those are pretty minimal. And this is a prime time for lens flares, so they can sort of slack off and hope the camera doesn't catch them.
Also, for what it's worth, and perhaps this is more indicative of how cool I am, but I can't watch these girls head-to-head in a circle without whispering "This is how lice is transferred" to the computer screen. But it is how lice is transferred. Though maybe that would be a fun bonding activity for the sisters. This season, Kappa Delta Nau is shaving their heads and bleaching their sheets! *Clap Clap Clap*
Waving
Hi. Hi. Hi!!! Don't for one second think these gals don't know how to be social. Look how good they are at moving their hands!
They are the epitome of social! They are not saying bye, they are saying hi! They are not swatting away a fly, they are welcoming you and acknowledging you, which feels ... good. So good, in fact, that you want to join them and wave, too. Actually, the waving is what recruits you.
Forget everything I've said about these insane videos. All $100,000 spent on the productions should be allocated to the waving. Manicured hands beckoning you into the warm comfort of a McMansion coated in Aquanet. A sly coax of the fingers lets you know that you are loved, you belong, and you are probably blonde. Welcome.
Learn how to coast through college (by cheating) in 5 Things You Learn Helping Rich College Kids Cheat (For Pay) and read why college sucks in 5 Infuriating Things Nobody Tells You About College.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel to see how robots will eventually go to college in Why Any Robot Uprising Is Doomed To Fail - Cracked Responds, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!
Also follow us on Facebook because we miss you since college and we want to catch up.
