Sex! Now that I have your attention: SEX! We all love it, and the more painful, the better. A few people claim to prefer their sex painless. If that's you, stop reading now. And if it's not you, sorry about your father issues.I notice you're all still here. That's because sex sells, but drama subscribes. Put the two together, and you've got an irresistible list of injuries. Let's all cringe together, because like so many women before you (two!), you and I are going to share some humiliatingly bad sex. These afflictions ooze from tolerable to terminal, and none of them is "Died of ecstasy with a Cracked staffer," if you were wondering.
I like my women like I like my coffee -- hot enough to hurt me.
#7. The Dame With Gams to Die For
Easing ourselves into erotic agony, here's a nice nonpermanent injury everyone can relate to: being crushed by a falling tombstone while having sex in public inside a cemetery while visiting a dead relative. And really, we're with the dead relative who sent a tombstone tumbling onto her with ghost physics. Imagine how you'd feel if you woke up to two people sex-moving above you. You'd be either very upset or living on a college campus (in which case you're always upset, because college is a trick that adults and savages play on kids who want to better themselves).
If you didn't want to live in The Lord of the Flies, why did you pay a hundred thousand dollars for a useless education?
Sorry, I went to a liberal arts school. Even I can admit that
being dead is almost as bad as being a college student, since it lasts even longer. If the living are going to rub your face in it by actually creating life on your moldering bones, you have every right to curse them. Yeah! Curse 'em GOOD! That's how a New Jersey (of course) couple who were
rutting in the silent kingdom learned that curses and their partner, seventh-grade physics, always have their revenge. The Casualty:Wounded leg crushed by necromancer-toppled tombstone. The 39-year-old woman was not terribly hurt, but for the rest of her life must endure an accusing ghost in her bathroom mirror. The real injuries are to the couple's reputations. While plenty of us have desecrated a tomb (again: college), very few of us were aroused by it, let alone with press coverage. Cemeteries actually used to be popular date destinations in the 19th century, because that was the only way to meet a girl's family. Plus not even the ruffiest ruffian would dare prey upon a maiden's virtue in front of God, the Grim Reaper and the chittering dead. Only two out of three of those parties would be into that kind of thing. Oh, but you'll never guess which two!
Cholera is an easy punch line, but a good one.
It led the Victorians to eroticize death so much that their ideal girl was the one who died without making a scene before you ever got to kiss her china-white hand. Nevertheless, we have to assume everyone in the 19th century eventually triggered the cemetery curse, because they all died.**Except for a few 120-year-olds still alive today, but they hissed incoherent warnings at the couple entering the cemetery before their eyes boiled out of their heads.
How It Could Have Been Avoided:By finding a nice, flat crypt. Or by not provoking the cold wrath of the ancients. Neither of these, however, corrects their first mistake of being in New Jersey.
Ugh. Why would anyone want to live there?
If you're going to have sex on a tombstone, do it in winter, when the ground, like your lover and the flint eyes of the numberless dead, is hard and unyielding.The Legacy:Nicknames are reserved for only the most special sex moves, though special isn't necessarily good. Therefore, let us forever remember injury by tombstone mid-coitus as a Jersey Stunner.
#6. Spice Up the Ol' Sex Life
What can be a pleasant tingle on the skin is, in a surprise to no one who has eaten Thai food, delicious murder on the mucous membranes. To put it another way, nobody goes to Ethiopian restaurants if they have to work the next day, unless they're a test pilot at a Japanese space-toilet developer. And speaking of great food, let's visit Hell's Kitchen. Picture it, dear friends! Use the eroticmost powers of your fetid imaginations! A woman enters the emergency ward stiffly and with small steps but a wide gait. The desk attendant quite wrongly assumes the lady has ridden a horse without oiling its saddle. But no! She is something more. She is ...
the Woman with the Red-Hot Labia.Her lover -- who we all agree wears too many gold chains atop his oiled chest, right? -- had eaten hot sauce, then lovingly scorched her inner lady parts with his soft-obscenity-murmuring lingual ones. That, or she was dating the devil, but that seems like the kind of thing you'd brag about.
Especially in Hell's Kitchen.
Doctors treated her burn by having a man who had just eaten yogurt go down on her.
The Casualty:Mild burns down there. Also up there, if he knew what he was doing. It's an eternal question -- is the pain of spicy food worth its delicious flavor? Now complicated by "Is it worth the orgasm if you don't get to taste it?" I just don't know. Ladies? How It Could Have Been Avoided:As an honest mistake, it's pretty understandable and avoidable. Just glue your labia shut so that no man can ever perform oral sex on you again! Problem solved. Because girls -- no way are you going to stand between us and Mexican food. The Legacy:Indian Burn, Southern Heat Wave and Spicy Fish Taco all spring easily to mind, but let's call this a Tralfamadorian Tamale, since the heat runs backward from your tongue to spice up the dish.
#5. The Man With the Noodly Penis
But you won't listen, you buxom blonde in the basement of a horror movie.
Seriously. Not even
Cheese's column can raise your spirits after what comes next. This medical condition is so disturbing, it comes from an article listing
every possible penis injury, and it still edged out the cracking sound, significant bleeding and "eggplant deformity" of a penis fracture. There's an urban legend about a babysitter who gets a call from the police warning him that the stimulation is coming from inside his penis. That legend is true! Some folks really love sticking things up there. How many? Nobody knows! But what most people would pay vast sums to be unable to imagine, others do quietly in the privacy of their own BDSM dungeon. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of the people next to you is a urethral stimulator. Is there no one on either side of you? Then it's YOU. Hey, no judgments. Just deep and disquieted awe.
The important thing to remember is that everything hurts.
Now consider the young man who walked into a urologist's office and didn't even pretend the damnedest accident occurred while he was cooking dinner naked and aroused.
The Casualty:He accidentally broke a piece of spaghetti off in his urethra. And yes, he was Italian. A case like this raises lots of questions, the most important being -- did it come out cooked? Right behind that: Does this disprove God's existence, or demonstrate Satan's? Also: WHY, sir? That's the kind of thing Roman emperors only do after the thrill of humping the spear wound in a virgin goat's lungs has grown dreary. How bored can you get waiting for water to boil?The X-ray on this must look like a four-dimensional view of the life of a kidney stone. It's one thing to want to hurt yourself. It's another to commit the original sin that hurts all mankind. Every case of erectile dysfunction in history is caused by the outward ripple of his mistake. I will admit the pleasure index on this one makes sense. After all, the male urethra is the vagina of unimaginable agonies. But when a guy wants to know what a piece of raw spaghetti feels like inside his penis, he just deals with UPS customer service.
We like to have a lot of fun around here, but seriously, UPS: Pack it in, you're the worst.
Here's a tip for men: The next time you have sex, ask her if you can stick pasta in her urethra. After she recoils in horror, you'll easily bargain her down to conventional equipment up any other orifice, including the ear. Or the police will arrive for you. Either way, show more forethought than this fellow, who stimulated himself with the flimsiest stick imaginable. Literally anything would have had more integrity, even dry balsa wood or a Democrat's campaign promises.And even if you don't break it off inside, what do you get? They say the man who reaches his pubic bone attains ultimate knowledge. For three seconds, you become God, and then the totality of omniscience incinerates your mortal husk. But more likely you die of touching your prostate from the wrong side.
How It Could Have Been Avoided:By not using an intraurethral device known for breaking when you stare at it too hard. Literally anything other than ground glass or panicked animals would have been a better choice: gravel, alligator fat, a rolled-up parchment of human skin inscribed with the final sin mankind will commit at the end of the world ... all of these, but not brittle spaghetti.The Legacy:An Italian going the wrong way to the wrong place but coming back with pasta and groin injuries? This is like some lousy Christopher Columbus/Marco Polo buddy comedy. But since there are probably Cracked articles on everything we know about them being wrong, call this one a Deep Dish Ditalini Diddle.
#4. Do Not Use as Directed
Thanks to poor product design standards, "April Bonjour" just went from being an even better name for Audrey Tautou to a top result for one of Google's Safe Search Off terms.
But then, so is Mademoiselle Tautou.
The California resident was using a vibrating sex toy, which in most other articles would be a great start to a paragraph. But, oh! Nothing is right in our world, ye sadistic sojourners of sexuality. A sharp pain, and her concerned boyfriend extracted a ...Oh, no. No, no, no. He extr-- Urp. Extracted a bl-- Please don't make me type this, Jack O'Brien. ...
extracted a blood-covered dildo. "I thought, very briefly, that I had started my period," said the stoic mother who, like of all her gender, lives in a terrifying world where her genitals hemorrhage a dozen times a year. But this was no ordinary Stephen King tale about the horrors of menstruation; this was a Stephen King tale about possessed cannibal appliances. The Casualty:The bleeding intensified until it exhausted Ms. Bonjour's entire supply of sanitary pads and belief in a loving God. As she lost consciousness, her boyfriend called 9-1-1. Her son was by her side, convinced she was dying. Here are the reasons that is traumatizing for children and other living things:
And the dildo had six fingers.
For the world's most
unfrivolous lawsuit, $25,000 is a modest request. Consider what sum it would take before you consented to internal genital mutilation. Pretty high, right? And that's voluntarily. Twenty-five keys is the surcharge you'd tack onto the bill for the surprise factor. Women already spend a quarter of their adult lives bleeding from their reproductive machinery without the option of suing God. They don't need this mandatory overtime malarkey. How It Could Have Been Avoided:By removing the pentagram from the device's schematics, prying down all fetal pigs nailed to the development lab's walls and kicking over the altar of skulls in the company cafeteria. The Legacy:This sex move can only be called the Curse of the Mommy's Womb. I know! It would have been perfect if this had happened at the cemetery. But it didn't, because sometimes life is sad. Usually not "murderous vibrator inside you" sad, but still.
#3. The Strangest OSHA Violation Ever
Pity Dr. William J. Morton, a Pennsylvania urologist who had to untangle the "matted hair" around a "pus-oozing" scrotum that had "swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit" in a "disgusting use of quotation marks." The man whose scrotum this carnival of nightmares was taking place on "had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration himself with a heavy-duty stapling gun ... used in putting up wallboard." As difficult as it might seem to not deserve whatever you have coming to you after that decision, just remember ...
Imagine the citric acid is pus and you'll have the idea of it.
The poor scrotum was paying the wages of sin for its owner, a machinist who could find no stimulation more effective than frotting a high-powered drive belt. Yes, while his coworkers were at lunch, he was doing to industrial machinery what most of us do to old pillows with our ex-girlfriend's picture clothes-pinned to them.
The Casualty:His left testicle and the 75 million potential genius children who lived there. In an article like this, you expect a little castration; otherwise, where's the fun? But you certainly don't need to know a man exists who makes love to machinery that, in the act of claiming his testicle for its warrior charm necklace, hurled him across the room. Once you reluctantly learn such a man walks the earth (with a limp), it's no surprise that his solution was to staple his scrotum shut and go about his day.
Still, that had to have been weird for the janitor to find.
This is not a man thwarted by cartoonish violence or tattered genitals. This is an American machinist, modern heir to the smiths of yore! His lunch break makes "hyena tickler" look like a promising career. And when that whistle blows, the job is to screw machines before they screw you.
How It Could Have Been Avoided:I don't want all of my responses to be "By not having sex with/on something unsexy," so I looked this up in the Office Safety Protocols. It turns out the only mechanical masturbation precautions are to wear eye goggles and wash down the belt when you're done so as not to spread diseases to your coworkers. The union guidelines add that you should limber up before and afterward by taking a bribe.
The Legacy:Pennsylvania Grapefruit is a magnificent term.
#2. The Horror Porno Parody Nobody Wanted
Warning: If you have a vagina, you may want to ask it to leave the room before you continue reading. Some things don't mix: Water and electricity. The Internet and civility. People of different races. Wait, NO! Sorry, these are very old notes.
In fact, we may have chanced upon the super-soldier serum.
One combination that will forever be wrong, though, is genitals and power tools. That's why a Maryland couple had the foresight to
attach a sex toy to a reciprocating saw blade before they inserted it into the woman. After all, electric blades can't cut through plastic, right?Right? Oh dear Jesus lord in heaven with the angels and grandma.The Casualty:One physics lesson and an airlift later, doctors had learned the alien geometry of Ry'leh that splices holes and would keep them from ever enjoying sex again.
Doctor, does that look to you like a saw in a bifurcated vagiiiiIIIIEEEEEE!
This sliced vagina is even worse than the miracle of nature's destruction called childbirth, which at least comes with two free dinners: one when you date an unscrupulous man who swears he's wearing a condom, and the second when your body ejects a nutritious placenta.
How It Could Have Been Avoided:If you're going to incorporate a Sawzall into your sex life, you're going to have to commit to permanently altering it for vaginal use. Safety demands it, and most couples want labia caked with sawdust about as much as finches want a birdhouse that smells like vagina. The Legacy:Jinkies, Scoob, this is like some nightmarish engineer (possibly a machinist?) worked overtime to devise an even more misogynist version of the vagina dentata. This monstrosity kills all who approach it, depletes its host and then turns inside-out to consume itself. That's not a sex injury; that's a Klingon apocalypse myth. A hole that contains other holes within it is not nicknamed but scientifically classified as a Hypervagina.
#1. And the Horse He Rode in On
Get ready. Like a lot of casual athletes, Boeing engineer Kenneth Pinyan's interests seemed like a terrible ordeal to nonhobbyists. But whereas most of us can acknowledge the thrill of scaling sheer rock or looking Russell Crowe in the eye, very few recognize the sacred mysteries of large-mammal group bestiality.
Not how you expected a horse molester to look, right?
This is the kind of case that just didn't happen before the Internet. If half a dozen people in the same geographic area had grown up as zoophiles, the government would be doing emergency water quality tests. And even if that happened, none of them would admit it to each other. Or get together to film it. Or abandon their dying buddy at the hospital. Or just generally convince you humanity should be burned from the Earth.
Now that's more like it.
Pinyan had pulled this gag before, albeit with a gentler, more attentive horse: the kind of horse every guy dreams of marrying. A noble, shimmering horse that would look you in the eye as he spewed buckets in your colon and never once consider rupturing your rectum. That was not the horse Pinyan chose to give himself to this time.
Faint praise, copywriter dude. Faint praise.
Pinyan's first warning sign was the animal's gel-spiked mane and serious request to be called by its stupid MTV nickname. The second major concern would have been that his sex partner was a horse.
The Casualty:"Acute peritonitis due to perforation of the colon." They say the worst thing in the world is for parents to bury a child, and the outer rim on that wheel of misery is burying your son after he was mortally wounded by horse penis. There are no words of consolation for the family of a man whose own body poisoned his equine-phallic internal injuries. It's the kind of thing that sounds really funny for a Van Wilder sequel, but is terrible in reality, much like the Van Wilder movies themselves. How It Could Have Been Avoided:Perhaps by having sex with fewer horses. Or more Shetland ponies. Or half a John Holmes. Or ... or ... gosh, there are so many wrong turns in the path to this fate, it's almost reassuring that nothing could have been done to stop it. The Legacy:Crack and Pinyan, obviously. Sex with Brendan McGinley only injures your reputation.