The 7 Most Agonizing Sex Injuries on Record
Sex! Now that I have your attention: SEX! We all love it, and the more painful, the better. A few people claim to prefer their sex painless. If that's you, stop reading now. And if it's not you, sorry about your father issues.I notice you're all still here. That's because sex sells, but drama subscribes. Put the two together, and you've got an irresistible list of injuries. Let's all cringe together, because like so many women before you (two!), you and I are going to share some humiliatingly bad sex. These afflictions ooze from tolerable to terminal, and none of them is "Died of ecstasy with a Cracked staffer," if you were wondering.
I like my women like I like my coffee -- hot enough to hurt me.
If you didn't want to live in The Lord of the Flies, why did you pay a hundred thousand dollars for a useless education?
Sorry, I went to a liberal arts school. Even I can admit that
Cholera is an easy punch line, but a good one.
It led the Victorians to eroticize death so much that their ideal girl was the one who died without making a scene before you ever got to kiss her china-white hand. Nevertheless, we have to assume everyone in the 19th century eventually triggered the cemetery curse, because they all died.**Except for a few 120-year-olds still alive today, but they hissed incoherent warnings at the couple entering the cemetery before their eyes boiled out of their heads.
Ugh. Why would anyone want to live there?
If you're going to have sex on a tombstone, do it in winter, when the ground, like your lover and the flint eyes of the numberless dead, is hard and unyielding.
Especially in Hell's Kitchen.
Doctors treated her burn by having a man who had just eaten yogurt go down on her.
But you won't listen, you buxom blonde in the basement of a horror movie.
Seriously. Not even
The important thing to remember is that everything hurts.
Now consider the young man who walked into a urologist's office and didn't even pretend the damnedest accident occurred while he was cooking dinner naked and aroused.
We like to have a lot of fun around here, but seriously, UPS: Pack it in, you're the worst.
Here's a tip for men: The next time you have sex, ask her if you can stick pasta in her urethra. After she recoils in horror, you'll easily bargain her down to conventional equipment up any other orifice, including the ear. Or the police will arrive for you. Either way, show more forethought than this fellow, who stimulated himself with the flimsiest stick imaginable. Literally anything would have had more integrity, even dry balsa wood or a Democrat's campaign promises.And even if you don't break it off inside, what do you get? They say the man who reaches his pubic bone attains ultimate knowledge. For three seconds, you become God, and then the totality of omniscience incinerates your mortal husk. But more likely you die of touching your prostate from the wrong side.
But then, so is Mademoiselle Tautou.
The California resident was using a vibrating sex toy, which in most other articles would be a great start to a paragraph. But, oh! Nothing is right in our world, ye sadistic sojourners of sexuality. A sharp pain, and her concerned boyfriend extracted a ...Oh, no. No, no, no. He extr-- Urp. Extracted a bl-- Please don't make me type this, Jack O'Brien. ...
And the dildo had six fingers.
For the world's most
Imagine the citric acid is pus and you'll have the idea of it.
The poor scrotum was paying the wages of sin for its owner, a machinist who could find no stimulation more effective than frotting a high-powered drive belt. Yes, while his coworkers were at lunch, he was doing to industrial machinery what most of us do to old pillows with our ex-girlfriend's picture clothes-pinned to them.
Still, that had to have been weird for the janitor to find.
This is not a man thwarted by cartoonish violence or tattered genitals. This is an American machinist, modern heir to the smiths of yore! His lunch break makes "hyena tickler" look like a promising career. And when that whistle blows, the job is to screw machines before they screw you.
In fact, we may have chanced upon the super-soldier serum.
One combination that will forever be wrong, though, is genitals and power tools. That's why a Maryland couple had the foresight to
Doctor, does that look to you like a saw in a bifurcated vagiiiiIIIIEEEEEE!
This sliced vagina is even worse than the miracle of nature's destruction called childbirth, which at least comes with two free dinners: one when you date an unscrupulous man who swears he's wearing a condom, and the second when your body ejects a nutritious placenta.
Not how you expected a horse molester to look, right?
This is the kind of case that just didn't happen before the Internet. If half a dozen people in the same geographic area had grown up as zoophiles, the government would be doing emergency water quality tests. And even if that happened, none of them would admit it to each other. Or get together to film it. Or abandon their dying buddy at the hospital. Or just generally convince you humanity should be burned from the Earth.
Now that's more like it.
Pinyan had pulled this gag before, albeit with a gentler, more attentive horse: the kind of horse every guy dreams of marrying. A noble, shimmering horse that would look you in the eye as he spewed buckets in your colon and never once consider rupturing your rectum. That was not the horse Pinyan chose to give himself to this time.
Faint praise, copywriter dude. Faint praise.
Pinyan's first warning sign was the animal's gel-spiked mane and serious request to be called by its stupid MTV nickname. The second major concern would have been that his sex partner was a horse.
For more from Brendan, check out The 7 Most Terrifying Rejected TV Ads and 6 Pro-Gay Marriage Arguments for Fighting With Crazy People.