The 7 Most Agonizing Sex Injuries on Record
Sex! Now that I have your attention: SEX! We all love it, and the more painful, the better. A few people claim to prefer their sex painless. If that's you, stop reading now. And if it's not you, sorry about your father issues.I notice you're all still here. That's because sex sells, but drama subscribes. Put the two together, and you've got an irresistible list of injuries. Let's all cringe together, because like so many women before you (two!), you and I are going to share some humiliatingly bad sex. These afflictions ooze from tolerable to terminal, and none of them is "Died of ecstasy with a Cracked staffer," if you were wondering.
I like my women like I like my coffee -- hot enough to hurt me.
If you didn't want to live in The Lord of the Flies, why did you pay a hundred thousand dollars for a useless education?
Cholera is an easy punch line, but a good one.
Ugh. Why would anyone want to live there?
Especially in Hell's Kitchen.
But you won't listen, you buxom blonde in the basement of a horror movie.
The important thing to remember is that everything hurts.
We like to have a lot of fun around here, but seriously, UPS: Pack it in, you're the worst.
But then, so is Mademoiselle Tautou.
And the dildo had six fingers.
Imagine the citric acid is pus and you'll have the idea of it.
Still, that had to have been weird for the janitor to find.
In fact, we may have chanced upon the super-soldier serum.
Doctor, does that look to you like a saw in a bifurcated vagiiiiIIIIEEEEEE!
Not how you expected a horse molester to look, right?
Now that's more like it.
Faint praise, copywriter dude. Faint praise.
For more from Brendan, check out The 7 Most Terrifying Rejected TV Ads and 6 Pro-Gay Marriage Arguments for Fighting With Crazy People.