There's not a country in the world where there isn't a mob of people, fire ready to go, wanting to burn America down, right now. But terrorism is probably a little too obvious, and terrorist mummies I think have already been dealt with on 24, which has been getting crazier and crazier each season. So instead, let's make our new mummies the second most hated group on the planet: Investment Bankers. Awakened from their long slumber in 1999 by a Brendan Fraser movie, the mummies dispersed into the world and sought to rebuild their former wealth and glory. Using their mummy powers to make their way in the world of international finance, the mummies manage to build incredible amounts of wealth, incidentally destroying the world's economy while they're at it. My initial thought here was a mock-documentary style film with a bleak, ambiguous ending. Alternately, if we want to play it for laughs, look for Brendan Fraser to be executed following a televised show trial in the third act. _______________ Godzilla The Original The testing of a nuclear device accidentally causes a lizard to grow several hundred feet tall. Instead of starving from the corresponding lack of enormous insects, the lizard decides to swim to and then destroy Japan, smashing entire neighborhoods of suspiciously styrofoamy buildings. Again, Godzilla did get a relaunch a little over a decade ago in another movie whose name I can't recall. More recently, the movie Cloverfield took the concept of a huge sea monster attacking a city and filmed it using one of those things they use to mix paint at the hardware store.
It was real shaky is what I'm saying. Neither of those really sparked a wave of interest in giant city-crushing lizards though, so I think it's fair game to take another crack at it. New and Improved The problem with Godzilla in his classic form is that he's kind of corny. It's just this guy in a foam rubber costume battling a guy in a different foam rubber costume. These days, that's not an action movie. It's closer to a porno. Switching to CG reduces the uncomfortably-erotic aspect, but kills all the personality of our monster. Godzilla becomes an effect, not a character. Anyway, to make Godzilla more relatable, let's structure it this way: Godzilla comes storming out of the ocean, where she looms over the city roaring and breathing fire (Godzilla is a girl in this version). However with the help of an elite military unit and a patient teacher, Godzilla comes to a uneasy understanding with the authorities, and enrolls in the local high school (Godzilla is also 16 in this version). There she'll deal with the typical issues faced by an American teenager, likeâ¦ I don't really know what things kids deal with these days. Twitter oral-sex-party bullying? Is that a thing? Let's just say she gets pregnant. Lays an egg right on the school's star quarterback's car. It doesn't really matter, so long as it's got a hip indy soundtrack. _______________ Frankenstein The Original To be accurate, I guess I'm technically referring to "Frankenstein's Monster," the reanimated corpse with the brain of a criminal created by the mad scientist Dr. Frankenstein. Film geeks will point out that the real monster in the original movies is Dr. Frankenstein himself. But I try to avoid listening to film geeks when I can, and between you and me, a complex drama about the responsibilities scientists face with respect to their creations would pale in comparison to a complex drama where a nine-foot tall behemoth kicks his way through f*****g tanks. New and Improved With recent advances in cloning, stem cell research and reconstructive surgery, we're probably approaching the technological threshold necessary to create Frankenstein-like creatures now. What I propose then is to form a reality show, where teams from around the world create their own monsters, and then set the beasts to fight each other in a Plexiglas arena, with, let's say, flame pits. Basically a lot like Robot Wars then, only with a lot more angrily shaking of fists at the sky, daring God to strike us down. _______________ Body Snatchers The Original Human beings are replaced with nearly identical copies, formed in some kind of space plant. The duplicate pod people work to make more pod people, who in turn make more pod people. The movie kind of ends before we find out whether the pod people have any specific goal beyond starting some kind of pyramid direct-marking scheme.