Recommended by 4 out of 5 mental patients.
That's seriously it. Jessica Simpson believes using some old rag she paid $5,000 for and wore once to wipe off her chompers after chili night is a fine substitute for brushing her teeth with a toothbrush. Now, yes, we all can't agree how to brush (except that we probably suck at it), but most of us agree it's a useful thing to fucking do. But not Jessica, and why? Because, she says, "My teeth are so white, and I don't like them to feel too slippery." Y'know, in case you're running your tongue along them and your tongue slips and breaks its ankle.
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That's what caused the extinction of the tuna, you know.
She's attempted to make her habit slightly less disgusting by insisting she flosses and uses mouthwash regularly, so the shirt thing's totally OK, you guys. Except, according to (once again) just about every dentist you will ever meet, those things are minimally useful, if not downright useless, without brushing to back them up. She might as well floss with steak gristle and gargle with Pepsi for all the good they're doing her. And, amazingly, she appears to know this, admitting to iHeartRadio, "Find me when I'm 60 and [my teeth] will probably be all out, but I literally have these strong powerful teeth that don't need to be brushed."
That means you need to brush them, Jessica. One of life's most basic goals is to make it to the end with all your teeth, so you don't have to suck your final meal through a straw. Your statement's only slightly less insane than, "I'm sure Russian Roulette will blow a hole in my brain eventually, but it hasn't happened yet, so probably I'm a Highlander and will live forever." And if it's a slippery Crest-induced film that keeps you awake at night, you can probably brush sans toothpaste and be perfectly fine. I'm here to help, Jessica. I'm a friend. A fan. A future husband, perhaps. Just as long as you promise to respect high fashion (and Mellencamp songs) from now on.