5 Celebrities Way More Disgusting Than You
The more "like us" a celebrity is, the more we like them. Especially if it's a bad, "damn you're ugly" kind of way. Baggy eyes, patchy skin, crappy hair, picking their nose and eating it while shopping for Faygo and Cheez-Its at Food Lion -- we love nothing more than to heroically slay the fame monster, forcefully chucking carefully marketed models of perfection off their polished, cat-poop-stain-free pedestal so we can finally see them as one of us.
But, as it turns out, many of these celebrities aren't truly like us -- they're way more disgusting than that, with bafflingly terrible health habits that don't make you admire them so much as they make you wonder how the fuck these people even begin to function on their own.
Jessica Simpson Rarely Brushes Her Teeth, Wipes Them With Her Shirt Instead
Ever since she asked, "Tuna or chicken?" in an iconic totally-not-set-up-for-reality-TV moment, the public verdict on Jessica Simpson is that she's even dumber than her father, Homer. And while that may or may not be true, there are two facts about Miss Jessica that are indisputable:
A) That time she sampled "Jack & Diane" is more unforgivable than a thousand Avada Kedavras.
B) At least she knows how to brush her teeth.
OK, fine, just A then.
Yes, Jessica Simpson's approach to good oral hygiene is to barely bother at all. While being interviewed on Ellen, she confessed that she brushes, at most, thrice weekly. You might recognize that as roughly 11 times less than what every dentist not named Isaac Yankem or Orin Scrivello recommends. Her preferred tooth-cleaning approach? A fucking shirt.
Recommended by 4 out of 5 mental patients.
That's seriously it. Jessica Simpson believes using some old rag she paid $5,000 for and wore once to wipe off her chompers after chili night is a fine substitute for brushing her teeth with a toothbrush. Now, yes, we all can't agree how to brush (except that we probably suck at it), but most of us agree it's a useful thing to fucking do. But not Jessica, and why? Because, she says, "My teeth are so white, and I don't like them to feel too slippery." Y'know, in case you're running your tongue along them and your tongue slips and breaks its ankle.
That's what caused the extinction of the tuna, you know.
She's attempted to make her habit slightly less disgusting by insisting she flosses and uses mouthwash regularly, so the shirt thing's totally OK, you guys. Except, according to (once again) just about every dentist you will ever meet, those things are minimally useful, if not downright useless, without brushing to back them up. She might as well floss with steak gristle and gargle with Pepsi for all the good they're doing her. And, amazingly, she appears to know this, admitting to iHeartRadio, "Find me when I'm 60 and will probably be all out, but I literally have these strong powerful teeth that don't need to be brushed."
That means you need to brush them, Jessica. One of life's most basic goals is to make it to the end with all your teeth, so you don't have to suck your final meal through a straw. Your statement's only slightly less insane than, "I'm sure Russian Roulette will blow a hole in my brain eventually, but it hasn't happened yet, so probably I'm a Highlander and will live forever." And if it's a slippery Crest-induced film that keeps you awake at night, you can probably brush sans toothpaste and be perfectly fine. I'm here to help, Jessica. I'm a friend. A fan. A future husband, perhaps. Just as long as you promise to respect high fashion (and Mellencamp songs) from now on.
Snooki Rubs Cat Litter On Her Face As An "Exfoliant"
Everyone wants to look their best, even if they're Snooki and the best they can do is look like Snooki. And, back in 2011, she went on Conan and shared her beauty secrets with everyone who remembered that Conan O'Brien still had a talk show: She smears cat litter all over her face.
Still better than where cat litter usually ends up: in your underwear drawer.
Now, as we all know, Snooki is not a woman to make rash, stupid decisions before exhaustively thinking them over first. She sits down and think think thinks until she knows what's best for her. Barring that, she rambles almost-adorably while trying to explain why the fuck she did the thing. According to the undefeated pro wrestling superstar, cat litter makes for the perfect facial because, "It's got exfoliates; they've got rocks in there. ... It makes your skin really smooth." That's the kind of expert salesmanship that can be attained only through years of dedicated brain-tanning.
But don't think Snooki got this idea from being so desperate to look pretty that she stuck her head in Garfield's toilet and hoped for the best. No, she studied, scouring the world to unearth timeless and proven methods of beauty, tactics used by empresses and queens and ... OK fine: She Googled. According to the Pulitzer-level novelist, she prefers to save money by Googling for DIY beauty techniques and going with whichever one looks the best ... worst ... most likely to get the blogosphere all a-titter.
"Do you have the pig feces cleanse? It trended on Tumblr once and is to die for.
Here's the video the hardened criminal almost certainly watched on the fateful night she and Mr. Google found a whole new use for Fresh Step:
That YouTuber rubbed kitty litter on her face and garnered damn near a million hits for it. Then again, she got 7 million hits for rubbing egg on her face and 3 million for rubbing aspirin on it. Basically, she's a soulless quack hack viral virus who puts everything on her face except the stuff perverts want her to put there, and Snooki fell for her bullshit completely. Because, no, cat litter does not make you pretty. The rocks are too damn large for anyone's pores and can easily scratch and inflame the skin. Plus, that clumping formula that makes scooping up kitty acid-piss so dang easy? That can dry your face out to the point where anybody kissing it might as well snog sandpaper.
All in all, don't be like Snooki (in case anyone still wanted to). Cat litter facials are disgusting and worthless, unless your ultimate beauty standard is "Shireen Baratheon."
Speaking of inflamed.
Shailene Woodley Eats Clay And Gargles With Coconut Oil
An actress like Shailene Woodley -- known for roles like the main American teenager from The Secret Life Of The American Teenager, Not Jennifer Lawrence in Divergent, and the girl dying of cancer in The Fault In Our Stars -- initially seems too intelligent to fall for a stupid health trend she heard from a friend of a friend of a YouTube personality's favorite pizza guy.
But, as it turns out, not only did she fall for a stupid health trend, she fell for two. In a 2014 article for Into The Gloss magazine, Woodley, fancying herself an earthy-crunchy health guru, indicated she would totally open up elixir bars and use all-natural everything to heal toothaches, sinus problems, and probably Ebola if she weren't so busy being awesome at acting. One of her preferred cure-alls? Eating clay.
Have fun never looking at pizza dough the same way again.
Now, clay facials are certainly popular enough, but that's not what she's talking about. Her favorite thing to do (following the advice of her favorite guru, Some Cab Driver) is swallow the clay. She does so a teaspoon at a time, so at least she's not devouring whole troughs of the stuff. But since downing a teaspoon of fucking clay is one teaspoon too much, the mockeries will continue until moronity dissipates.
So what is all this clay face-stuffing supposed to do, anyway? According to Woodley, our inability to digest clay allows it to create a negative charge, which bonds to negative isotopes and helps clean icky metal out of your body. And, yes, that does sound like the "science" behind whatever plastic fakery the Shamwow guy's peddling this week. That's because it basically is -- while eating the occasional bit of clay won't hurt you, it almost certainly won't help you (most human bodies not owned by Wolverine do not have enough metal for clay to do a damn thing about it). Plus, chugging any more than a very rare teaspoon, you risk constipation -- that would store extra unwanted crap in your body, including your precious metal.
"I'd love to answer your question, but I gotta hit the ER.
I pigged out at pottery class and am paying for it now."
She also has a solution for when all that scrumdiddlyumptious clay causes dry mouth: gargling with coconut and sesame oil. Yes, the same crap we use to fry eggplant, Woodley uses as a way to save money on her Listerine bill. And her "THE SECRET IS" explanation makes almost as much sense as why people still mess with Sasquatch: Apparently, oil whitens teeth, "because the plaque on your teeth is not water-soluble; it's fat-soluble. So the lipids have to dissolve in fats, which is why oil works in your mouth."
The only legitimate part of that quote is that the proofreader spelled it right. Otherwise, it's pure hokum. Swishing with oil does, at best, squat. At worst ... it does squat. Oil mouthwash won't kill you or anything (half our food's like 90 percent oil, after all), but it's basically a disgusting placebo. If you go the Shailene Woodley route, don't expect white teeth, detoxed insides, or anything else that sounds healthy. All you'll achieve is oily, slippery teeth.
Nobody tell Jessica.
Marilyn Monroe Farted Endlessly And Stuffed Leftover Food In Her Bed For Later
Until now, I've been focusing my wrath on celebrities who at least try to be hygienic, while failing miserably, of course. Also, they're all alive, so at least their terrible lifestyles haven't killed them yet.
But, because I pride myself on overloading my columns with more variety than the contents of Chipotle diarrhea, let's now focus on someone who didn't even approach keeping clean, and who is now too dead to defend herself. She also happens to be one of the most glamorous, idealized, pedestaled celebrities in history: Marilyn "I Didn't Fucking Say That" Monroe.
Simply put, "Marilyn Monroe" wasn't real, and not just in the "actually a brunette named Norma" sense. No, once the cameras shut down, Norma completely banished Marilyn to the Imaginary Pretty People Hotel and was free to be herself at long last. Problem: "Herself" was completely disgusting. According to a biography of former lover Clark Gable, Monroe cared even less about keeping herself clean than she did about getting her lines right. Some of her habits weren't so bad -- like, she slept in the nude, which honestly makes way more sense than removing your clothes only to sleep in more clothes. And she farted a lot, which honestly puts her in the same category as most everyone reading this while inhaling a burrito in their underwear. Most everyone writing this too, now that I think about it.
If farts and birthday-suit jammies were the worst things she did (aside from sleeping with a New York Yankee), I'd have already moved on to somebody else. But nope -- it gets certifiably yucky from here on in. Monroe almost never bathed, despite a huge chunk of her job description being "don't make everybody within 500 feet of you want to Voldemort their own nose." Also, since her endless farting was likely part of what polite society calls "irritable bowel syndrome," she definitely should've farted under the shower head every now and then.
If nothing else, bathing would've helped rid her pores of all the food slowly burrowing itself inside them. Because her biggest hobby of all was to eat in bed -- in itself not a problem, but she was into storing the leftovers under her sheets, because apparently walking to the fridge was just too much work. No word on whether she actually remembered that food in the morning, but even occasionally forgetting did a major disservice to both herself and that delicious food. It sucks that Lee Harvey Oswald and REDACTED went to Dallas that day, because I would've loved to hear what JFK thought about sharing a bed with Marilyn Monroe and several moldy, half-eaten ham sandwiches.
Brad Pitt Chooses Baby Wipes Over Showering
OK, back to the filthy world of the living. And I've saved the prettiest for last. (Totally kidding, Jessica. Future wife still? Yes? Cool.) Brad Pitt, one of the hottest, most successful, and fantasized-about celebrities of any generation, is extremely lucky he's rich and famous. Because otherwise, Angelina, Jen Aniston, Gwyneth, Christina Applegate, Sinitta, Juliette Lewis, Monica, Erica, Rita, Tina, Sandra, Mary, Jessica, and you would look at him as nothing but a gorgeous, stinky hobo.
Pitt's approach to health isn't as esoteric and tragically trendy as Simpson's, Snooki's, or Woodley's. Nor is he in total fuck-it mode like Monroe was. And yet, his habit might be the most likely to make you hork like Buzz McCallister offering Kevin pizza. Because he almost never showers, preferring instead to "bathe" with baby wipes to his armpits. And that's it.
And now you know why his last name is what it is.
According to his Inglourious Basterds And Teribul Spellirz co-star Eli Roth, Pitt unveiled his shower routine after realizing how much Roth stank on set. Roth told him that his shooting schedule was so busy, he had no time to shower. Pitt's response? "Baby wipes, man, baby wipes." As in, fuck soap, water, and almost every single body part you got -- wipe down the pits and you're instantaneously cleaner than Caligula on the Hallmark Channel.
And it's not just an at-work life hack for Pitt -- it's a complete way of life. Because Pitt went on to admit he sics the Pampers Police on the gangs of Pitty City all the damn time at home: "I got six kids. All you've got to do is just take them, a couple quick wipes under the pits." It's unclear whether "them" refers to the wipes, his kids, or both. If both, then that entire family stinks worse than Meet Joe Black.
Here I thought Pitt knew all about the benefits of soap.
Finally, because he apparently felt the need to super-justify what, deep down, he had to know was a terrible habit, Pitt explained, "Man, I'm getting on all day. I don't have time to take a shower." Not only is this disgusting (and, out of context, the worst thing related to Pitt and children since Interview With The Vampire), it makes no sense. Unless Pitt's kids are peeing under his arms and that's it, his baby-wipe practice isn't going to take care of a whole lot. It's a Band-Aid on somebody who was just drawn-and-quartered.
Worse, he has followers. While most of us would simply back away slowly from the insanely rich and famous hunk of Limburger, Roth actually took his advice to heart and started doing the same damn thing. "I thought that was the greatest tip. ... If I ever started to smell like a bear, I would just use a couple baby wipes under the armpits, and it made it safe for everyone else to act around me." Smell-o-vision might be making a comeback -- if it does, let's get an executive order barring these two from ever, ever, ever taking part in it.
Let's go out to the movies
And then we'll lose our lunch.
As far as getting peed on goes, that's a story for another day. Namely, the day Eli Roth can only get work from Kink.com.
Jason endears himself to celebrities everywhere on both Facebook and Twitter.
Some celebrities may have bad hygiene, but would it surprise you to know that the English actually have good teeth? Read about it in The 5 Most Statistically Full Of Shit National Stereotypes , and learn how you may have bad hygiene too in Facebook because do you really want to get on our bad side when the zombie apocolypse hits? We happen to be experts you know.