The 10 Worst Ice Cream Flavors Ever (An Obituary)
I love ice cream. It’s the only dessert that when I eat it, it somehow gets into my stomach and pushes all the other food out of the way to make room for more. I’m convinced that if I were ever in a sitcom-style situation in which I were trapped in an ice cream warehouse, the paramedics would find me dead in the morning, stomach ripped open like the fat guy in 7, face down in a puddle of pralines and cream. Thus it is with great sadness that I report to you the death of one Irvine Robbins, without whom we’d have to choose from a measly 15.5 flavors at our local Baskin. Oh well; making it to 90 is quite a feat for a guy who spent his life constantly surrounded by cookie dough. And in the interest of honoring the man, I think it’d be a good time to point out how crucial his life really was. Without people like Irvine, there’d be no filter between the vast uncharted territory of ice cream flavors and those 31 gleaming tubs in the ice cream parlor. There would be no one to delineate what is delicious and what is sacrilege. And lest you think such delineation is unnecessary, I’d like to direct your attention to:
The 10 Worst Ice Cream Flavors Ever
10. Wasabi Ginger
First of all, it actually burns your sinuses, like eating wasabi. Whatever points that earns for accuracy, it immediately loses for unpleasantness, which is the same reason jelly belly samplers always have jalapenos left over. And surprisingly, this flavor is from Cold Stone, the kind of class act you wouldn’t expect to make such a rookie mistake. For shame. What am I supposed to mix in, chunks of fish?
What am I supposed to mix in, wasabi? I actually saw a guy on Iron Chef make this when the ingredient of the day was fish. When the judges asked him why the hell he would do that, he said he was “just curious.” You know, that’s the same rationale Mengele gave at the Nuremberg trials. In case you didn’t guess, he lost the title Iron Chef and was driven from Kitchen Stadium by an angry mob.
8. Black Licorice
Hey, I know! Let’s take a “candy” that everyone hates and use it to fuel an ice cream flavor equally disgusting and black as the night! Then lets all stab ourselves in the face with our letter openers!
The retarded cousin of green tea ice cream, wheat manages to be even closer to tasting like dirty ice. The hint of grain suspended on a thin bed of shit will make you wish you weren’t the kind of ignorant tool who buys wheat ice cream.
6. Pit Viper
Yes, eating it makes you badass, but is it worth it? I haven’t been able to determine whether this ice cream is flavored like the venom of the snake (incredibly deadly) or from the actual meat (incredibly putrid), but either way I’d rather prove my manliness by forcing the angry viper into the ice cream maker than by actually eating some.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael waits for Cold Stone to restock Cake Batter as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!