Storyboards from Michael Bay's The Great Gatsby

Hey, Michael, thanks for sending over these storyboards, we're super psyched to have you on board for The Great Gatsby. We did have a couple of issues. Nothing major, just some... Well, let's just get right into it. OPENING SCENE

Really spectacular opening. I suppose the original might be a tad dated, at this point. Now, instead of Gatsby and Daisy being separated from the general population by their considerable wealth, they'll be separated as a byproduct of them being the only property owners in an apocalyptic desert wasteland. And instead of having that fancy, eye-catching car, it looks like Tom will own a rocket-equipped school bus, which is equally memorable. Really great stuff. MEETING DAISY

OK, this is really interesting. I get that you're trying to make Daisy seem like the most desirable woman ever, to justify the lengths to which Gatsby goes to win her affection, it just seems like you may be taking it a little too far. I worry because you've made Daisy such a strong, independent woman, it makes me wonder why she would need Tom to begin with. Also, is Tom Buchanan

in this movie? He's kind of a pretty big part of the book. I noticed that Daisy has a robot named "Tom-E." That can't be Tom, right? Also, just for future reference, you don't... you don't really need a word bubble

and dialogue. I get it, I see that Nick is very impressed. GATSBY'S PARTY

This is in conflict both with the book and the wasteland you've already set up, so I think you might need to change everything. Also, am I reading this right? Is Linkin Park playing in the background of a scene that already has different music playing? Should I assume there are two simultaneous soundtracks in this movie and that one of them is always Linkin Park? I can't imagine that working. Also worried about MC Baha Men for a number of reasons. MEETING GATSBY

It's going to be tough to get fans of the book and representatives of the Fitzgerald estate behind the idea of putting robots in this movie. And it'll also be hard just getting your average, general audience-member behind the idea of introducing robots out of nowhere 40 minutes into what is either an apocalyptic party film or a romantic tale about obsession and class wars. I'm not doubting your abilities (loved Transformers), I'm just suggesting that you might want to either introduce the robots earlier and explain their presence, or not introduce them at all. I'm leaning towards the second one, but you're the hottest director in town right now, so it's your call I guess. SUIT UP

Why? Why does he call it that? It's almost like you just scanned the book for words you thought were neat and added them into the screenplay. Oh, actually, speaking of which, is there a screenplay we can take a look at, or do you just sort of only work in pictures and boom noises? And, this might be nitpicking, but "it was the best of times" is from A Tale of Two Cities, not The Great Gatsby. Do you think that all books are the same book? MEETING WOLFSHEIM

Please let me send you a copy of this book. Please please let me do that, I think it could really help the story. And you, it could help you with basic literacy. Are you in this movie now? I thought this was just a typo or you including your own notes or something, but the next I'll say 60 pages or so have some pretty aggressive sexual stuff between you and Daisy... THE DOCTOR'S EYES

A few things. 1.) These are clearly stills from Transformers. 2.) Telling me you can't wait until I see something isn't exactly helpful. 3.) Why is MC Baha Men back? Subquestion: Have you ever met a black person? 4.) Is that a typo, or does Gatsby only speak in explosions now? THE FINAL BATTLE

You're mixing Atlas Shrugged, Star Wars, a Gatorade commercial and down syndrome all together in one jumbled, miserable final scene and, frankly, it's condescending and a little insulting. Do you want Shia AND Ben Affleck to play Nick? Also, you're thinking of the wrong "Jordan," by the way, you have to... you have to read the whole name. And, reading on to the epilogue, you've got it so that Gatsby saves the day and lives, Tom-E learns how to love, MC Baha Men gets arrested and Daisy, who you've renamed "Meganfoxatron," ends up marrying you, which is offensive on all levels to anyone who is even vaguely aware of not just The Great Gatsby, but of books in general and basic plot structure. Really, anyone with even a cursory understanding of the difference between film and real life will be horrified when they see what you've done. We'll give you $280 billion to make this movie by next summer.