Look at the smug little bastard, with his $2000 purse. With no actual torture to make hilarious torture jokes about, I was a little stuck for article ideas. Fortunately for me, Spencer was sending text messages to the outside world throughout this whole ordeal. Also fortunately, to supplement our income a little, Cracked had a cell tower installed on the roof of our building, and consequently all cell traffic through the western hemisphere is now routed through Cracked servers (AT&T are idiots). It was a simple matter then for me to pluck Spencer's texts from the ether. It turns out Spence sent over 23,000 text messages during his two days in the jungle. However the vast majority contained only the characters: :-| Which at first I thought was some kind of technical problem. It was only after I showed it to DOB that he explained to me: "It's the emoticon for a blank look." He kind of swore under his breath after that, and then slammed the door really hard.* (*DOB doesn't actually have a door to slam of course, much less an office--it was just the door to the staff kitchen. Also, we were both on the same side of the door when he slammed it--afterward we just stood there, staring at our shoes. After a few seconds he opened the door again and went back to his desk.) Anyways, I've plucked out the text messages where Spencer actually says something, and removed any identifying features about the recipients (they were mostly minor celebrities, but also for some reason a Los Angeles area Pizza Hut). __ Sent: 10:05 PM June 5th O sick! They put us in a cra-z little room with a cot and it's made of wood like a tree. Sent: 10:08 PM June 5th we have to sleep here because we left but then wanted to come back because they have cameras here Sent: 11:23 PM June 5th That was f'ed up bro! A spider just bit me, and as soon as he did he fell over dead. All the other spiders are running away now. What do you think that means? Sent: 08:19 AM June 6th i have no idea who any of thees other celebrities r. I thought you were supposed to be famous 2 be a celebrity? What you were in a bunch of movies once? Ha ha loser. Sent: 11:34 AM June 6th Foods good. Lobsters and ahi and like tostada things from a little food trailer just off the set. Sent: 11:38 AM June 6th it's great cuz I get Heidi's food. shes not eating to make her chest look bigger. science? Sent: 11:50 AM June 6th What the f**k is this Dasani bullshit? do I look lik a homeless person? Sent: 11:58 AM June 6th Oh Jesus no! Heidi's feeling sick. She is dry heaving all over an ugly plant. I am helping her with prayers but the plant it so ugly it's hard. Sent: 12:11 PM June 6th Oh jesus why do you make some plants so ugly? When I get home I am going to get really into plants and fix them. Sent: 12:18 PM June 6th Heidi is making hilarious sounds. I'm gonna record a video of this. this is hilarious Sent: 12:21 PM June 6th oh i'm in trouble now. please help me jesus. demons made me make a mistake and i am sorry. Sent: 03:31 PM June 6th Heidi's still sick and the sounds ar5e less funny now. f**k this noise. lets go home Sent: 04:05 PM June 6th What the f**k? We're in the ambulance and I'm rapping with the parimedic that I really respect him and his people and then he punches me in the mouth. Sent: 04:19 PM June 6th i tried to kick at the paramdic but he just pointed at me and said something in Spanish. He's CRAZY dude. I'm sitting on the other side of the ambulance now. I think my mouth needs crutches Sent: 04:42 PM June 6th we're at the hospital im gonna get this paramedic fired. Jesus please help me get this man fired.