For most of my life, I practically mainlined pop culture, my finger wrapped tightly around the pulse of current entertainment. But recently I realized that whenever I’d overhear conversations about popular TV shows I had no idea what anyone was talking about. It seems that while I was exploring the real world (watching Arrested Development on DVD) the pop culture landscape as I understood it shifted; a new crop of shows and stars emerged, leaving me wondering: What’s an Adam Lambert? Does Brett Michaels still make music, or is he basically doing this rolling brothel TV show full time now? Is Wings still on the air? Is Wings still on the air?!
To find out, I forced myself to watch the latest episode of the three most popular shows on the air right now. And I hate myself for it.
In a Sentence:
Pretty, interchangeable white people wearing clothes.
Starring:
I don’t know who any of these people are, or what they did to become famous. I don’t even totally know how many different characters are on this show. I didn’t realize there was more than one blondish white chick until two of them were on screen together. I watched 30 minutes before I understood that these three girls were different people.
The Show:
The episode that I watched was centered on a wedding between a blond douchebag named Spencer and a blonde whatever-the-girl-version-of-a-douchebag-is named Heidi. Spencer and Heidi are the two most unlikable human beings I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Also, Spencer’s beard is the same color as his face, which seems like it must make shaving very difficult.
Since this was the season finale, it was a double episode. Two full episodes wherein absolutely nothing remotely interesting happened. Super-tan, glass-eyed Californians sat around looking at each other for 44 minutes. Sometimes one of them would cry or smile, but no one ever seemed to understand why. This was the season finale of a show that’s lasted five freaking seasons. And it’s not as though it’s flying under the radar. I hear about this show constantly. Why the hell is it so popular? What’s the appeal?
Here’s a scene where Spencer talks to The One That Isn’t Spencer about something (Spencer, probably).
SPENCER
I’m not just a cold stone with no heart.
THE ONE THAT ISN’T SPENCER
[Not taking his eyes off the floor.]
Yeah you are.
They look at each other for a full 12 seconds, neither of their faces displaying anything that I recognize as an emotion.
Not-Spencer didn’t say it humorously, or ironically or anything. He just said it because he heard a sentence that started with “I’m not” and decided to fill in the blank with something disagreeable, like this was some kind of exercise for a drama class in which both of the participants are retarded. I mean, Spencer just stared at him. Not mad, or offended, just slowly trying unsuccessfully to process the words he’d just heard. This episode had four million viewers.
Also, everyone on this show has their mouth wide open. All the time. I don’t know if they’re just mannerless mouthbreathers or if they believe that the only way to understand what someone else is saying is by swallowing the sounds they are making. Maybe it’s a show about mutants whose ears are located on the roofs of their mouth? I mean there’s got to be some reason they’re on TV, right?
Conclusion:
Terrorists try to blow us up not because they hate freedom, but because we use our freedom to make The Hills.
In a Sentence:
Two completely unlikable people ruin the lives of their eight children and get paid more per episode than parents who actually work.
Starring:
Jon. Kate. Their eight, indistinguishable children.
The Show:
I hear about this show all the time and I guess it’s the only one on this list that I can actually see being compelling. Jon and Kate have eight children, twins and sextuplets, and I’m almost positive that they hate every single one of them.
“Kids sort of lose their appeal after a few days. We’re big into those Hawaiian lays, now.”
The episode I watched was littered with moments of both parents saying things like “I can’t take this anymore” and “I’m going to have a break down any second, I swear to God.” It’s not a show about coping with raising eight children, it’s a show about two miserable people in a loveless marriage who are incapable of talking about anything besides their miserable, loveless marriage. All of this is happening right in front of the swarm of toddlers, who I have to assume are being supervised by the camera crew filming the series.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m no expert on raising kids, but that’s also precisely why I don’t have any. Here’s an exchange that perfectly sets the tone for the episode and, I imagine, the series: One of the girl babies was upset about her missing pony toy.
NAMELESS GIRL BABY
Mommy, I can’t find my pony toy, have you seen it?
KATE
OK, you’re getting a little obsessive-ish… Stop melting down, I’ve got to go save the world.
And then Kate proceeds to stand in front of her sink pretending to wash a single dish for a while before disappearing for the rest of the afternoon. And the world was safe for another day. In another moment, Jon is in the backyard with his dogs and children, cleaning up dog poop.”This is the story of my life,” Jon says, his voice coated with misery and regret, “cleaning up other people’s crap.”
I’ve never seen two parents more blatant about their total resentment for their children. The show is compelling if for no other reason than because you want to make sure the kids make it out of the season.
Conclusion:
This is pretty depressing as far as entertainment goes, but I can see it functioning as a useful experiment, a time capsule for eight children who can one day look back on the show as evidence of how much their parents despised them. When these poor kids grow up and wonder why they’re so maladjusted, they’ll be able to look back on Jon and Kate Plus 8 and say “Oh, OK, that’s why I have a difficult time making meaningful connections with other human beings: my parents treated me like a petulant piece of furniture that they begrudgingly had to feed from time to time.”
In a Sentence:
A Cougar, by which I mean an older woman who preys on younger men, has massive amounts of sex with a bunch of 20-somethings all competing for her affection.
Starring:
I don’t know, who gives a shit?
The Show:
It’s a reality show about a mildly attractive 40-year-old woman who has a dozen or so younger men who all inexplicably want to settle down in their early 20s and raise her three children.
The show focuses on her sexually-charged method of whittling down this list of 20-somethings. By the season finale, Stacey, the cougar in question, has already boned to the point of exhaustion her last two suitors, Colt and Jimmy, and everyone’s cool with that, but then… You see, after the potential suitors meet Stacey’s kids, they…It… I’m sorry, I really need to get something off my chest.
I thought this was going to be about an actual cougar.
I thought this was going to be about an actual cougar.
I thought this was going to be about an actual cougar.
I apologize for the repetition, but I wanted to be absolutely clear about my title-based assumptions going into this show. Batman is about a man who dresses up as a bat, Murphy Brown is about an asexual robot coated in leather (whose slave name is Murphy Brown), so The Cougar should’ve been about a live goddamned claw-having, goddamned man-eating, goddamned cougar and that’s all there is to it. How the hell am I supposed to watch some sexually indiscriminate lunatic ruin her children when visions of a cougar-hosted talk show dance in my imagination?
But, you know, it doesn’t even need to BE a talk show, it could’ve been anything, and as long as a real cougar was front and center, the show would be a hit. They could’ve even kept their stupid premise, for all I care, I would have gladly watched a show that was about a dozen 20-year-old dudes taking turns trying to fuck a live cougar. Who wouldn’t watch that show?!?! Week after week they would try and fail and I would love every second of it.
Conclusion:
Somebody greenlight competitive cougar fucking dammit!
I didn’t actually watch this show. It’s about celebrities (where the interpretation of “celebrity” is fairly loose) stranded on an island, like on Survivor. On the downside, the challenges are easier but, on the plus side, you might get a Baldwin or two. Still, it’s not the worst premise in the world. I mean, at least there’s a plot, which is more than you can say for The Hills. So why didn’t I watch this show? Because fucking Heidi and Spencer from The Hills are two of the celebrities. CELEBRITIES!?
Seriously, what the fuck TV?
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October 30th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
I’ve abandoned television for music and I’m beginning to get back into reading books. Television has been terrible since 1999 or around the time The Osbornes was on the air.
I am proud to say I didn’t fall for Arrested Development. For one thing, I hated that it really cut into the flow of Simpsons and King of the Hill. I also never found it funny, it was always a rather depressing show about terribly dysfunctional people.
October 19th, 2009 at 12:19 am
Ninjaman Says:
June 9th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
“Burn Notice r0xx0rz j00 b0xxorz!”
FUCK YES!
I’ve been watching Stargate SG-1, Stargate Atlantis, and Firefly all on DVD recently and have been wondering where all of the good programming went.
Now, I just watch the Discovery, Military, Science, and History channel; and even Adult Swim, which is the only thing Cartoon Network has left. See? Even the cartoons nowadays suck balls!
I’ve started to get rid of my cable and satellite subscriptions and feel better already. I am prepared though for the half-brained morons who are glued to their shit operas and reality pukes to call me a freak for not paying for a couple of half-assed productions.
Meh, I’ll just download shows from the Internet if I really want to see them.
October 18th, 2009 at 3:07 am
“Their eight, indistinguishable children” haha get it? Coz those half-castes all look the same!
October 8th, 2009 at 5:41 am
amen brother…amen
October 6th, 2009 at 10:04 am
Heyyyyy THAT’S NOT FUNNY!
September 30th, 2009 at 9:34 pm
It’s good to see someone acknowledging us true felines. I think a show about 20 guys trying to sex me up would be a smashing idea. At least I’d make it a bit of a challenge, not like that slutty, old human bitch.
September 27th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
Thank you for assisting me in avoiding 3 more worthless shit shows. I long for the days of Gracy and George.
September 23rd, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Very funny.
I’ve never watched any of those shows. I believe I live a little happier existence than most of my fellow American citizens for that reason.
September 21st, 2009 at 3:12 pm
I haven’t seen a good show since Arrested Development, and I’ll still choose any one of those practically memorized episodes over the crap that’s passed off as a TV series these days.
September 16th, 2009 at 9:22 am
http://www.ihateyounatalie.com/?id=1846644
September 15th, 2009 at 4:44 am
I LOVE YOU! You are so funny!! Thanks for being so awesome.
September 13th, 2009 at 11:06 pm
I agree, TV sucks. For me it’s the moronic show’s, but it’s truly the commercials I can’t stand. I fucking hate commercials, I can’t sit through them anymore. Some will say you can get the technologies to skip them… But I will not pay for TV or TV related services, skipping shitty commercials to shitty shows is… Shitty.
If there is a particular series that I become interested in, Netflix.
September 9th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
DOB you’re dead on with the hills conclusion, and I feel really bad for Jon and Kate’s 8, cuz the two parents suck shit. They’re constantly on magazine covers bitching about each other and it’s always “he hurt my feelings! she hurt my feelings! blah blah i’m so hurt and i’m such a whiny bitch!”
all the while their 8 kids are probably growing up with numerous social and emotional upbringing problems. They’re gonna hate their parents and child protection services should take them away from parents who are willing to exploit their children for money.
September 8th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Today I made the effort to see if I just think I’m surrounded by idiots because they’re louder or if I actually am surrounded by idiots…
I am surrounded by idiots and I officially give up on humanity. I’m just going to spend my time with the other people with at least half a brain and watch as we go extinct.
September 2nd, 2009 at 11:22 am
[...] What I’m Reading Today When I Should Be Doing Other, Constructive Things. Or at Least That’s What Mothers Would Say 2009 September 2 by grassrootsmovement http://www.cracked.com/blog/columnist-watches-shitty-tv-regrets-it-immediately/ [...]
August 30th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
This is exactly why, when my TV burned out 4 years ago, I chose not to replace it. Thank you DOB for confirming that I haven’t missed anything.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:22 am
This is hilarious and accurate. The hills is a terrible show about people who think people give a crap about their lives. i do however like john and kate and their 8. I think they are cute lol.
p.s who decides on that show what makes someone a celebrity. They should pay for making Hedi and Spencer celebrities!
August 15th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
I haven’t watch tv series for 10 years
August 15th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
“Terrorists try to blow us up not because they hate freedom, but because we use our freedom to make The Hills.”
Couldn’t have put it better myself.
August 15th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
The Hills : Lame ass show that would make you americans look like a bunch of wussies to the ouside world.
Jon and Kate Plus 8 : Those 8 brats is bound going to grow up as serial killers.
The Cougar : If the show is about 20 dudes gangbangin a 40-year-old woman,competing for the title “best husband” ,then I would WATCH this show,really!!!!
August 14th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
Other than TWC, certain stuff on Comedy Central, an occasional game show, and maybe the local news, [for the weather] I don’t watch TV anymore.
IMHO the last prime time show worth watching was Moonlight and the bastards canceled it! Seems everything is too much BS… which I could handle, if it was entertaining ~ nada.
Love the article [and real cougars! lol] ~ glad to know that I’m not missing anything. ~ thanks
oh, BTW, tried to find something tonight…in a mood, I guess… and told my dog “TV sucks!” ~
then got the idea to search that topic…comments here beat the hell out of TV!
August 11th, 2009 at 1:44 am
You just made my day db.great article.
August 10th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Good Article, everything on here is a night of tv viewing for my wife.
August 7th, 2009 at 3:32 am
Man i’m so sick of reality tv shows…. they all suck.
August 4th, 2009 at 10:36 am
And now we wait for somebody to post up a sketch comedy video of a cougar fucking reality show…
August 2nd, 2009 at 7:56 pm
hais guis i can tt tyep propearley deesregard mi comments
August 1st, 2009 at 10:14 pm
Hell yeah, Arrested Development!
I completely agree with this article. TV today is essentially comprised of reality TV shows and pseudo-dramas.
July 31st, 2009 at 9:46 pm
yeah tv sucks now
Dexter is the only good show. but at least they still play classics like simpsons and stuff like that
July 31st, 2009 at 4:12 pm
i don’t know what happened to tv that people like the hills so much.
the other day i was watching tv with my friends and i begged for the office, but no! the hills was on (plus, in their own words: “the office is such a dumb show!”). and now i’m a little more stupid than before.
July 28th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
LOL … that’s so great. it’s nice to finally see I’m not alone here!
4 million viewers huh? wow, what does that tell you about society =\
Hell ya bloodyroman.. dig the name… dig the channels.. love the adult swim ;D
Discovery Health, Science Channel, AS, (Sprout) for my lil boys, G4 can be real cool, History, Travel, IRON CHEF and AVATAR because they’re awesome!
Comedy Central rarely
that’s my tv. drug.
oh and I agree crazyphace… I really don’t like anime
July 27th, 2009 at 9:35 am
Now as much as I tried to read on about the douchebag. I got bored so its be on my belief you accuatly sat there an watch more than 5 minutes of the Hills. You should just watch the Soup. I let it decided what to show me about popular stupid tv.
July 24th, 2009 at 11:05 am
Yeah, serious flame fail on d b. Off topic ranting gets you nowhere d b. Especially when it’s riddled with grammar and punctuation errors. I’ll have to agree with Ben since all I watch now are Discovery, Travel, History and occasionally Cartoon Network for Adult Swim.
July 24th, 2009 at 7:05 am
This is why I keep coming back to Cracked. I fucking love you guys.
July 21st, 2009 at 8:15 am
lmao. Thats absolute gold!!!
- and to d b <- you seriously need to chill the f*ck out!
July 17th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
wow u express all of my feelings!
haha u should update this one and add “paris hilton’s my new BFF”
goddamnit! tv ruining it self!
July 16th, 2009 at 2:53 am
Nielsen Ratings killed tv. That’s what i say. All the good shows get canceled and we get shoveled crap all the time. I mean how many shows about csi and pathetic people competing for a million dollars do we need. Not to mention the shows about doctors and nurses fucking in the operating rooms instead of tending to patients. That is if you even get to watch the show considering you have to wait every 5 minutes for the 15 minutes of commercials of products that you will probably never buy because they bombard you with buy this buy this. Might i mention the commercial companies demand Nielsen ratings to figure out how much they will pay for a commercial to be aired. However the Nielsen ratings take a few people’s opinions randomly and then lie and say the world like this show when in actuality only those few random slobs are the ones watching it. I say we all get together and picket the Nielsen Ratings office and demand the television industry quit paying them 10k a month to ruin our television.
July 14th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
This is why all I watch are the Discovery, History and Military channels. If I hear about a good show, then I’ll get the dvds and watch it without commercials, when I want to watch it.
July 11th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
@ d b: Flame failed, man. Why so hostile?
Is the hills really unscripted? I’ve been unfortunate enough to catch a glimpse of an episode and I was fucking confused!!!
July 11th, 2009 at 12:58 am
Like to watch Stargate Atlantis episodes and also Lost. I found your blog on google and read a few of your other posts. I just added you to my Google News Reader. Look forward to reading more from you in the future.
July 6th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
Know what the worst part about TV is? FOX canceled King of the Hill so they could make room for The Cleveland Show. I didn’t think I could hate anything more than Family Guy, but I was wrong. I hate FOX more than Family Guy.
July 6th, 2009 at 9:55 am
You realize it’s his fucking job to write articles for Cracked? This isn’t something he just does for fun (though it sounds awesome), he does it for a paycheck. That’s why he’d waste his time on hilarious bullshit like kidnapping the President’s daughters and complaining about the minutae of pop culture.
July 6th, 2009 at 9:10 am
let me state for the record, i watch none of the shows listed in this rant..
here you are complaining about how miserable and devoid of intellect people people on these shows are.. but now, here you are, miserably typing out some lame diatribe devoid of intellect about a group of people you claim not to care about, yet take maybe 5 hours to watch and process and approximately 500 words to rip apart.. lets take “the Hills” as an example.. ” why are they famous?? what did they do??” well nothing.. but who cares??? MTV looked for a group of people to follow around and tape their lives for , what is probably more than you and I make combined in two years… and this si bad how??? are you going to tell me that, if some network offered you a salary in the high 6 figures, you would turn it down?? let me guess.. of course you would because ” you have morals and standards and would not make an ass out of yourself simply for money” and maybe you wouldn.. but its pretty easy to state as such when you know damn well its never going to happen for you to begin with…. if these shows, and these people are SO unimportantr, why waste time on it?? at all??
July 4th, 2009 at 11:17 am
Those were the glory days when a child could wake up and watch the classics like the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Loony Tunes, Spiderman, and X-men. Now they tune in to watch Americanized “Japanime” that makes no damn sense and continues on in crappy storylines that continually repeat themselves but under different settings.
Where are the days of the original Power Rangers that had every kid waiting in dire need to know who was the person behind the mask of the mysterious White Ranger? Where are the days of shows that actually made sense, had storylines, or even a sort of message other than “Only blond, busty teenagers with loose morals get TV spots on shows with mindless lines and no point.”
What the hell?!! The only thing that even slightly presents some sort of entertainment now are seven different seasons of the same crime investigation unit all taking place in different cities, (Sadly, the ridiculousness of that has seeped over into NCIS as well) and a reality show that makes fun of people making complete asses out of themselves and getting their asses handed to them by giant padded, swinging obstacle courses for a little chunk of cash. Thanks TV, YOU SUCK!
July 2nd, 2009 at 9:45 pm
I don’t understand how classic shows like ren and stimpy, and king of the hill end up getting cancelled, while terrible excuses for show’s such as jon and kate + 8, the hills, and 18 kids and counting are able to stay on the air for 5+ seasons…what the fuck happened to TV is right!
July 2nd, 2009 at 7:37 pm
A few years ago, I was forced to watch an episode of the Hills (long story). It was EXACTLY like you described it. In fact, some of us hated it so much that one of the guys said, “The terrorists are right. We deserve to get bombed.”
As someone working in TV production, I also noticed that it looks like the producers intentionally removed almost any plot from it, aside from the forced main development that the episode is focused on. I also saw some of that “not taking his eyes off the floor” stuff, and I really got the impression that the dude just didn’t fucking care if his roommate wasn’t taking his relationship with his girlfriend seriously or not, but that the producers were making him pretend to.
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:29 am
[...] not been interrupted in any way. If this were a weekday afternoon, my sister would be watching the Real Housewives of New Jersey or something similar. In that case, I often resorted to putting on headphones and listening to a [...]
June 30th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
Recently I was disturbed from my usual diet of aweome Discovery Channel and PBS by my sister, a much loved but evil woman who finds programs from MTV and such more engaging. Whilst we playfully- read that, violently- discussed the changing of the channels, my eyes were blinded by some of the programs DOB has thoughtfully described.
And… Well… I am afraid I must simply drop the pretentious bullshit… What the hell? What the hell IS this stuff? What happened to music videos? What happened to the damn music? Ach, mine eyes! They bleeds! *Other screaming things ‘n whatnot*.
It’s a shame, really. I actually enjoyed some of the MTV programs back in the day, and even VH1 once had- gasp- MUSIC videos to play. Luckily, of course, I now have the Internet to weep upon.
Cheers. Buzz.
June 28th, 2009 at 2:16 am
Wow everyone of those shows has that little voice in my head pleading me to kill myself, especially the hills. What the hell is that show about? Rich whiny white teens er what ever the hell they are. I had enough of that in high school. Dammit I hate how stupid we’ve gotten. Though competitive cougar humping would be the new American Gladiator too bad PETA wouldn’t go for it,
June 26th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Everyone agrees that these shows suck, and yet everyone watches them. Fucking hypocrites - enjoy Transformers2, assholes! These nut-tards who consume this “entertainment” don’t even realize they’re being lobotomized.
June 24th, 2009 at 9:06 am
competitive cougar fucking ftw!
June 24th, 2009 at 7:40 am
Good eye Daniel O’Brien, loveless marriage indeed, now Jon and Kate are getting divorced.
June 24th, 2009 at 5:28 am
I can tell you what happened to TV, Fox cancelled it.
June 23rd, 2009 at 9:56 pm
Jon and Kate made a believer out of me… I mean how awesome is God if he can not only put a pox on that bitches uterus but then after she circumvents said pox, with fertility drugs, curse them both with 8 kids and public humiliation.
June 23rd, 2009 at 7:48 pm
i pooped a little
Now The Fun Begins
June 23rd, 2009 at 10:16 am
How do shows like these stay on the air for years, while amazing shows get cancelled after a few episodes?
Damn TV networks to Hell.
June 22nd, 2009 at 4:36 am
DOB (and everyone) you should check out Charlie Brooker’s Screenwipe (Youtube). It’s a brilliant critique of television, and has a special episode on US TV in the first series.
June 21st, 2009 at 5:35 pm
I am with you 100% on your comment Bob. I have basic cable but I also have my Xbox360 and my computer hooked up with http://www.themediamall.com software. I can watch hulu.com / netflix / and youtube. I love the old shows on hulu such as Hill Street Blues, Barney Miller, and even that 60s show McHale’s Navy. That show is fucking hilarious. These shows are not from my generation but I love them because it is like watching a book in action; great acting, plot, funny, it’s got everything and you don’t hear swearing or see guys and girls throw temper-tantrums every five minutes. Who the fuck funds these reality shows on TV? Are Hollywood studio exec’s on acid?
June 21st, 2009 at 5:23 pm
What I can hardly believe is that Kate actually bangs Jon? Is this this desparate? I mean, is this the best she should get? Fuck, what am I doing wrong? Let’s see; working out, have good looks, thin, good job, not an idiot, blah blah blah so I guess I AM THE IDIOT.
June 21st, 2009 at 8:05 am
this was awesome. I’m ashamed to say that I have watched entire days of the hills on MTV… but have absolutely no idea why….
however, I have NEVER watched I’m a ‘celebrity’ get me outta here… I may watch it if they ever actually have celebrities on it though…. now there’s an idea!
June 20th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
Man, this was hilarious! I especially loved the part about The Cougar. lmfao
June 20th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
You picked some pretty awful shows to watch.
June 20th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Oh and by the way…
The media does not reflect a nation, you do.
June 20th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
The Nielson’s ratings calculation is too heavily relied upon to predict how many people actually watch their stupid shows, and it’s as accurate as the gunners on the ball tank.
For those who are unfimiliar with Nielson’s ratings calculation…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nielsen_ratings
I burned less than a calorie getting you this information, I hope it was not i vain.
June 19th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
Ah, it was so nice to find this page and, first thing that catches your eye is the “The Hills” banner. Glad to know I’m not the only one who wonders how the fuck they let shit like that get air time. Although, I guess the 16 year old girls need something to talk about.
All in all, this post neatly summarizes the reasons to why I stopped watching TV roughly half a year ago.
June 18th, 2009 at 11:42 am
This is why I shouldn’t read cracked at the office, among other reasons. I just laughed very loud for too long, and my boss may now know that I spend working hours on this site…
June 18th, 2009 at 11:35 am
This is why I don’t have a TV anymore. People don’t understand how I can live without this mindless insanity and still manage to survive.
It was the best decision I ever made.
June 16th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
oh god i laughed so hard im actually weezing
‘dan dan - so funny he will give you lung cancer’
got a nice ring to it….
June 16th, 2009 at 11:29 am
Jesus Christ, apologies for the massive lack of proper English.
June 16th, 2009 at 11:28 am
All hail DOB. This is epic. I’m proud of you sir. Thank you. You could not have said it better unless you punched “Speidi” HORF in the face (barfed a little for saying “speidi”).
What sucks worse is cartoons. There used to be sado-masochistic shows like animaniacs and pinky and the brain where tiny animals try to take over the world and pigeons wail on each others using mildly offensive italian-american accents.
Now it’s just a shitstorm of impossible to follow plotlined anime. “Holy shit Garuba you have to save the mechodrone from the plasmatic vortex of Nag!” Yeah. I’m sure the 4 year old with the cheerios up his nose followed all of that.
Great article sir.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:56 am
I frickin’ LOVE this article. Love it. My television has been dead for years for EXACTLY these reasons. Glad I’m not the only one who has abandoned it.
If I need a TV fix? All shows either Hulu or downloaded. Daily Show, Colbert Report, Survivorman, Star Trek: TNG and anime. Need more? Four bookshelves against a wall; and the three or four online libraries that let you read classic literature for FREE.
(( Shit . . . . but if they make the Cougar show, I will download that, too. xD It doesn’t even have to include sex. Call him ‘Dr. Cougar’, and whenever the super rich guest of the week weeps over some trifling thing, the Cougar can maul them and growl, ‘Get over it’. ))
June 16th, 2009 at 10:21 am
You could have saved yourself and watched The Soup instead. You would have been only slightly subjected to these shows and drawn the same conclusions. By the way, Spencer’s facial hair has been christened “Spencer’s Creepy Flesh Colored Beard” by Joel McHale, so you are completely on the mark.
June 16th, 2009 at 8:48 am
I thought The Cougar a TV homage to a master of the arts. Barry Dawson is ‘The Cougar’.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OSSQEieTPw
June 15th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
They should do a cross over show with The Cougar (but it has to be a REAL cougar) and The Hills. I’d love to see that retard Spencer get his balls ripped off by a cougar.
TV sucks. The Office, Lost ,30 Rock and a couple other shows are about all that’s left. All networks are in the pocket of retarded 15 year olds who can dictate what is on the air. I gave up on TV (with the exception of the above shows) after Arrested Development was cancelled.
KILL YOUR TELEVISION!!!
June 15th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
@HenryB1946:
So close, you are SO close…
http://warmingglow.uproxx.com/2009/06/a-reality-show-about-terminally-ill-people/
June 12th, 2009 at 9:24 am
Ha! The opening intro sounded pretty much like my life word for word
June 12th, 2009 at 5:41 am
TO: Dylan I often use the movie Idiocracy as an example of what our world is turning into.
The big TV show in that movie was called: “Ouch, My Balls!” Which was very similar to America’s Funniest Videos.
Prety soon I will be able to sell my show idea: “Chemo Challange” in which 10 termanilly ill cancer patients compete in sick, twisted challenges and then each gets voted off of chemo-therapy till only one is left.
After watching some of the crap on TV now, this is not too far out.
June 10th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Oooh wealthy mingle liked your post - they even called it a video. Probably because it came so alive for them; amirite?
You should be proud. Are you proud, Dan?
June 10th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Great video. Very well acted. check out__ http://WealthyMingle.net _where you can meet the sexy beauties, wealthy singles and even hot celebs. What are you waiting for? Find your sexy partner NOW!
June 10th, 2009 at 10:53 am
Heheheh!!! You are not wrong!
June 10th, 2009 at 4:07 am
Amen
June 9th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
This is the most awesome thing I’ve read all week.
If it makes you feel any better, the TV in Japan is worse, if you can somehow imagine that.
June 9th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
I thought this was going to be about an actual cougar.
I thought this was going to be about an actual cougar.
I thought this was going to be about an actual cougar.
June 9th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
DOB, why do i love you?
because everything i think, you put into hilarious words!
The hills is the worst show ever.
The couger should be arrested for exposing her children to this kind of shit.
J&K should just get a real fucking job and take care of their kids like real people. My mother was a single mother with 5 kids and she was awesome.
Oh, and btw, the actors, excuse me, real people, on the hills are told what to say and have pretend jobs to make them seem more “real”.
June 9th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
The end was very Pinkerton’esque. Very well done DOB.
June 9th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
dongtacular indeed
June 9th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
dongtacular!
June 9th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
jon&kate should prepare for some fierce competition for the ‘first on the list for forced sterilization’ spot
apparently octomom wants in on the fame (read ‘cash’) and is currently working on a deal to show the world all the babies she has pooped out over the years.
these kind of ‘parents’ make me think maybe the chinese had it right all along with their ‘one child policy’
June 9th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Burn Notice r0xx0rz j00 b0xxorz!
June 9th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Man, every time I see a TV show from now on, I’m gonna think about what would happen if one of the charecters was a cougar. My life just got better!
The only TV show I watch regularly is The Office. Discovery has good stuff.
June 9th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
When you’d rather watch syndicated network channels and their “original series,” I’m talking to you Burn Notice, than the dribble on the rest of TV, there’s a problem. I know, I know, USA is a summer time channel. But I say to you, there’s more action in the commercials for freakin’ Monk than there is in an entire season in most stuff these days.
That being said, I’ma go watch me some Burn Notice.
June 9th, 2009 at 3:43 am
Great truth here!
I find TV only works if you produce a witty commentary while watching it, ofc, the people that I live with that actually resort to this crap for entertainment do not appreciate my efforts.
This does not deter me!
June 8th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
“Terrorists try to blow us up not because they hate freedom, but because we use our freedom to make The Hills.”
So for the sake of national security, we must take down The Hills and all of its cast members IMMEDIATELY
June 8th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
Ur ghey! Ur al ghey f$gz! Y r u sew ghey?
June 8th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
Heh, and people ask me why, rather than watching (allegedly) adult television I watch cartoons like Avatar, and Justice League (An enthralling and complex part combined with actual martial arts styles, and big explosions respectively.) John and Kate is getting a lot of hate right now. I see the government stepping in at some point in the future. The Hills… I’ve never heard of. I’ll keep my “People getting mauled in various ways” shows, like Smallville and Supernatural. Also, Dollhouse, not bad if you can suspend your disbelief and don’t get upset by gratuitous cleavage.
June 8th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
I love you, my roommate watches all three of these shows on a regular basis and I detest her for it. I am currently in the process of printing out this list to tape on our TV.
June 8th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
The only redeemable thing about these shows is that they give more material for The Soup.
June 8th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
Dan rejoice!! WINGS ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY STILL COMES ON—-the USA channel at 530am weekdays…..i dvr it because well it’s 530 in the f’ing morning
June 8th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
this article makes me love dob even more.
goddamn hills.
June 8th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
Has anyone seen the movie Idiocracy? The number one movie in the box office in that film is called ASS. It’s just that. A giant man-ass that fills the entire screen and farts every few seconds.
That’s what TV is becoming. Ass. And, frankly, I’d rather watch that than THe HILLS have eyes.
June 8th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
They did make a whole channel about rich girls crying. It’s called MTV.
June 8th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
I love “I’m a Celebrity”! And mainly because of those stupid kids from the Hills. (I’d never seen them outside of TMZ talking about their romantic dates that are staged for the cameras.) I could watch that Heidi girl cry about her dry shampoo all day long. Hell, if they made a whole channel of spoiled rich girls crying, I’d sign up for cable (or whatever it is we have these days).
June 8th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Though I’d usually be cautious of what I say so that I don’t fuck up my reputation before people know me(because mixing the process of “getting to know me, then absolutely hating me” up is fucking confusing for me), I’m going to come out and say this right now about The Hills:
It was obviously made by somebody who was SO BORED, that boredom from the show’s viewers was somehow funny to him. I bet he’s up at whatever kind of house he lives in laughing his motherfucking ass off at us while we cry from miserable boredom.
Hey, I know I did.
June 8th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
I forwarded this to a couple people and they all responded that they also often couldn’t tell the difference between stars on tv. Most mentioned blonds with botoxed lips as being interchangeable.
June 8th, 2009 at 10:14 am
FINALLY!!! thanks cracked, so many people i know love these damn shows and i started to believe that maybe i was just being a bitter asshole, i would even try to watch and end up with mental images of a snipergun crosshair on all their faces, fuckin disgusting, sucks to know so many broke mothafukers think thats cool. i have no further comments seeing as how i need to go vomit right quick, definately gonna write a song about this
June 8th, 2009 at 7:16 am
Damn straight.
In my household, we NEVER watch television, (unless it’s a prime time Fox cartoon, sometimes) but this is exactly what’s running through my mind when hanging out in other people’s homes and their relatives can sit around watching this mind-numbing trash for hours on end.
The worst I’v had to endure was the time I let my guard down and gave The Hills a chance to suck a few minutes out of my day, as well as brain cells.
By the time I stopped watching, I wanted to find where the show takes place, and torch the surrounding hills to the ground.
I’v had to be in someone’s house for hours working on a graphics design, while the roommates watched a marathon of Keeping Up with The Kardashians, and the one with Russel Simmon’s ex-wife. And they were SO caught up in it, it was disgusting.
A bunch of no-job-having motherfuckers with no money,
sitting around watching rich people doing nothing with their lives but spending other people’s money and whining about spoiled rich people problems.
That’s why the broke people love MTV Cribs
June 8th, 2009 at 6:22 am
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June 8th, 2009 at 4:25 am
I spared myself & swore off TV when reality shows replaced sitcoms as the norm. I look at this as not only proof that the 80s & eraly 90s were superior times, but that humans have either reached a pique in their intelligence ladder & it’s all shutes from here, or retards are having 8 kids at a time while those with higher IQs are lucky if they pop out 1.
June 8th, 2009 at 2:38 am
Errrr, sorry, I got confused, the name is GUILLERMO GONZALEZ CAMARENA, sorry for the mistake.
June 8th, 2009 at 2:35 am
@ Ariana:
The first color TV was invented by Mexican inventor Jesus Gonzales Camarena.
June 7th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
You for got the “News”. It’s the stupidest thing on tv.
June 7th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
great, i finally have proof that i’m not the only one who absolutely despises the hills and all the characters in it.
and it made me laugh because i’ve thought of every single one of those comments.
June 7th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
if osama bin laden made it his prerogative to bomb the places that made these shows, I would join him.
June 7th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Hey, Jersey has a lot of great stuff! The first light bulb, phonograph, motion picture projector, color television, transistor, videotape recorder, and liquid crystal display were invented in New Jersey. You wouldn’t be able to watch all of these crappy shows without New Jersey! Also, the street names in Monopoly are named after streets in Atlantic City (which has the longest boardwalk IN THE WORLD).
June 7th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
*Laughs until I have to go pee* Dan I don’t know you. I will never know you but I LOVE YOU. I am emailing this article to all my friends who still have their brains intact by virtue of NOT watching any of the above mentioned shows.
June 7th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
If you don’t mind, DOB, I’m going to take your idea for a TV program about 20-somethings trying to fuck a cougar to my nearest TV Emporioum.
I mean, fuck, that would be the most awsome program ever made!! Only PETA could be on my way…
June 7th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
[...] What the Fuck Happened to TV Article http://www.cracked.com/blog/columnist-watches-shitty-tv-regrets-it-immediately/ [...]
June 7th, 2009 at 11:34 am
The only one of these shows I’ve watched is Jon & Kate, and all I’ve learned is that Kate is a betch with a capital BETCH.
And what’s worse, I’m technically part of The Hills’ demographic. I’m a THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD GIRL!
If you hate these, you should watch Real(ly fake) Housewives of (Orange County, New York, Georgia, New Jersey (What’s in New Jersey worth giving an aerodynamic rodent’s posterior about, I’ll never know), take your pick), anything on Lifetime that isn’t a sitcom, or any live-action show on Disney Channel that isn’t in reruns. Your brain will melt.
And I’d so watch that cougar show. It’d be like Wipeout, only life-threatening!
June 7th, 2009 at 6:56 am
I love sexy gals!
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June 7th, 2009 at 4:53 am
Ahh Wipeout, finally our generation has a game show that lets us laugh at the physical and humiliating pain of watching strangers try to complete an oversized obstacle course.
But yes, The Hills is terrible, why is filmed like a documentary? Are these people real? Do they know the cameras are there?
Why do I want to burn their town to the ground in the slim hope of terminating them all?
June 7th, 2009 at 3:53 am
Fuck you, stoopid spammer. If you’re site was that great, you wouldn’t have to spam other message boards. You’re a bigger douche than Jon & Kate.
Oh, and Wipeout totally rocks. Jill is hot!
June 7th, 2009 at 1:21 am
You love people that cut off your breathing?! Sweet! How U doin?! Busy next Friday night?! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=9&sku=ENGL-CD00418 Call me!
June 7th, 2009 at 1:13 am
Morbid curiousity is a ratings magnet. I, too, would watch 20 something guys trying to boink a live cougar. I can see sideline interviews of the next contestants critiquing the failure of the chaps ahead of them. A Scene from Coneheads comes to mind.
June 6th, 2009 at 11:18 pm
You displayed more talent in this short article than the accumulative efforts of everyone who is even remotely involved with ‘The Hills’ will show during the span of their slack-jawed lives. This show is a disgrace, and I have see it make retards out of otherwise normal people. If I wanna watch stupid people prattle through their lives I’ll sit outside a Prada store, I don’t need this bullshit.
June 6th, 2009 at 11:12 pm
I could not breathe for like five minutes. I love you.
June 6th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
Being a douche + having cameras pointed at you = fame.
June 6th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
Hilabee…even movies are going down the crapper now.
I’m glad I don’t have to put up with any of this crap any more…I’m almost a decade off cable (we lost it shortly before Cartoon Network went to shit) and I’ve never been happier. I keep up with shows that I enjoy (House, Bones, Family Guy, American Dad, Burn Notice, Pushing Daisies [*sigh*], etc) by purchasing the DVDs when they come out…I don’t really have the time to watch them online (even though I’d love to).
June 6th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
pee.ess. I FUCKING LOVE MURPHY BROWN!!! GOD DAMN IT!!
June 6th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
In the butt…………………DOB in the butt
June 6th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
When I got done laughing my ass off, only then did I realize the surface has only been scratched - there are so many other shows just like the ones mentioned that deserve mention. Seriously, I sit here watching the
tv program guide scrolling by and out of, what, 75 channels - there’s nothing on worth watching!
June 6th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
That Murphy Brown comment was fucking sublime. Bravo!
June 6th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
haha loved it,it was to funny thanks for the laughs:]
June 6th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
oh I almost forgot, the best show on TV is ABC’s “Wipeout.” I love it because it gives me a chance to experience schadenfreude without the usual guilt.
June 6th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
I quite enjoyed this article. I laughed out loud the whole time through. WTF happened, indeed.
June 6th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
Stupid witch box.
I just stick to movies, nowadays.
June 6th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
you forgot “Paris Hilton’s New BFF” show thing. they made a fucking BRITISH version of that shit show. Oh, and also that other similar one, except for it’s a bunch of guys trying desperately to be Brody Jenner’s BFF. forgot what it’s called, though.
WTF, TELEVISION!?
June 6th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
The best article ever published on Cracked.com. It was worth learning to read just to be able to read this.
June 6th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
in my mind, a cougar hosted talkshow would be entitled “Cougar LeBrock: Penny for your Claws”
you can keep that one, hollywood. wait, where’s the tv equivalent of hollywood?
i’m pretty sure it’s quebec.
June 6th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
This may be the best commentary on television ever posted. I stopped watching TV around the time Sienfeld went off, I am much happier now, but I do hear folks talking about shows like Lost and Heroes. These shows leave me cold. They (in a word) SUCK!. What hapened to Star Trek, The Prisioner, Hogans Heroes,?the list goes on and on.Thank you Daniel O’Brien.
June 6th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
R U ’straddling the gauze’ Princess?! If so… I have a solution: http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=32&sku=E-CD00410
June 6th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
To be perfectly fair about ‘I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!’ there are only two things that make the UK version watchable, and that’s the pair of hosts, Ant and Dec. The American version does not have them, thus fails so incredibly hard it hurts.
June 6th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
You are fucking brilliant.
June 6th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
I’m so glad people everywhere are starting to call BS on all this ridiculous +8 insanity. It’s two depressed people cleaning up after eight kids. Who gives a shit? Usually they just call that Detroit.
June 6th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
The sad part is that these three series are on basic cable (MTV, Learning Channel, and VH-1), so they don’t need very many ratings to stay on the air. What will MTV do if people stop watching The Hills, run music videos again?
(On a side note, even though I haven’t respected MTV in years, they lost ALL of my respect when they showed Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi. Sure, these are great movies, but when the **** did MTV become a sci-fi movie channel?!?)
It’s also a sad commentary on society when most people think these shows are “reality shows”, when they’re mostly scripted and usually have nothing to do with reality. Just because a show isn’t a sitcom doesn’t make it a “reality” show. Okay, The Hills doesn’t have much of a script to begin with, but compare these so-called “reality” shows to *real* reality shows such as Deadliest Catch, Dirty Jobs, Mythbusters, Bizarre Foods, and anything on the Travel Channel.
June 6th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
A beacon of common sense in a weary (self-obsessed) world.
June 6th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Amen to that. Especially The Hills. I never understood how anyone watches that show. Thanks for summing up it’s bullshit into a couple paragraphs for me.
June 6th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
I agree with all of conclusions on these shows. They are all garbage, especially The Hills - but what else can you expect from MTV?
June 6th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
These are 4 good reasons that I stick to HBO and Showtime. Reality Tv has been the worst thing for tv since the infomercial.
June 6th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
I agree, reality TV is crap; however, we must remember that there is more to pop culture than the aforementioned shows. While some of the following may have been cancelled in their infancy due to low ratings, they are collective evidence that there is good TV still being made:
The Big Bang Theory
Pushing Daisies
Weeds
Nurse Jackie
Burn Notice
Kings
Eureka
Entourage
Psych
Lie to Me
Dexter
30 Rock
Dollhouse
House
How I Met Your Mother
Mad Men
United States of Tara
And from Britain:
Skins
The IT Crowd
Green Wing
And from Canada:
jPod
Little Mosque on the Pararies
Corner Gas
There is far more than mindless reality crap. If you only hear about the reality stuff chances are you are spending your time with idiots. Make some intelligent friends who watch properly scripted shows.
June 6th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
“Terrorists try to blow us up not because they hate freedom, but because we use our freedom to make The Hills.”
QFT. You win the coveted “Wiaseman” award for first period, 2009.
June 6th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
The female version of a douchebag is a urethra stick, or alternately, a douchette.
June 6th, 2009 at 10:15 am
Oh and this too.
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/56c2d6a703/the-hills-with-james-franco-and-mila-kunis-from-james-franco-and-judd-apatow
You’re welcome again
June 6th, 2009 at 10:13 am
“The episode that I watched was centered on a wedding between a blond douchebag named Spencer and a blonde whatever-the-girl-version-of-a-douchebag-is named Heidi.”
I believe the term you’re looking for here is douchebaguette.
You’re welcome.
June 6th, 2009 at 10:04 am
“I watched 30 minutes before I understood that these three girls were different people.”
Dude, I did the exact same thing!
I’ve only watched on episode of the Hills and I spent the entire time resisting the urge to throw the TV out the window.
And I’m a sisteen-year-old girl.
I think that’s pretty sad.
The only other one I’ve watched was Jon and Kate and she is the biggest bitch I’ve ever seen in my life.
June 6th, 2009 at 9:55 am
Yeah, TV is all kinds of lame. No more theme songs. That’s the real shit I miss. If something is interesting, I’ll watch it on the internet.
June 6th, 2009 at 9:49 am
As someone who generally hates Pop Culture (mid-thirties and getting grumpy), I have to say, this article is absolutely hilarious. Particularly the section on The Hills. I nearly died.
Brilliant article.
June 6th, 2009 at 9:25 am
It saddens me that we’re in a recession right now and people still watch garbage like those three shows you have just outlined. Yet when there are TV shows on there that talk about finances, reducing your taxes, becoming wealthier, or becoming a better steward of your money, people change the channel! I mean what is wrong with American TV? It’s really sad. Instead of getting more knowledge on how to handle our money, we’re getting more knowledge on Spencer this, Heidi that, Kendra this, and New York doing jobs. Why? Why watch this crap? Idiocracy could be a very real thing.
June 6th, 2009 at 8:56 am
see, this is why I spend all my time on the internet.
I’m surprised humanity has made it this far.
June 6th, 2009 at 8:28 am
This had me laughing out loud, for realz. TV sucks. Read a book or something.
June 6th, 2009 at 8:17 am
This is why I don’t have cable. Who would want 100+ channels of this?
June 6th, 2009 at 7:58 am
Lol loved the cougar part….. and spencer and hydi ran ouut of the show on the first day xP
June 6th, 2009 at 7:46 am
I decree that the term “Douchebaguette” should be embraced and pronounced “Douche-Baguette”.
In fact, I think this term may replace “douchebag” altogether.
Applause @Chuckles
June 6th, 2009 at 7:13 am
Welcome to adulthood!
Remember all the eyerolls we did when our parents began their sentences with, “Back in my day…”? I still cringe when I remember everytime I had to watch “Saturday Night Live” with my father.
Well, I do. DAMMIT!
Besides, it’s tv.
Why sweat the state of the steadily lowering browridge in a constantly dissapointing form of entertainment? That’s the issue; tv is meant to be a distraction, it’s producers have no idea how to entertain an audience. The examples listed are aimed at easily distracted, semilitates (or easily distracted, semiliterate producers).
If a well made television series makes it to air. We should be overjoyed, as well as amazed. And the rest of us should settle for buying the dvds (or watching episodes online) once the networks realise their mistake and cancel the show.
And, yes, eventually, a picture of someones ass will win a Golden Globe for best comedy. (Obligatory “Idiocracy” reference).
June 6th, 2009 at 7:13 am
Welcome to adulthood!
Remember all the eyerolls we did when our parents began their sentences with, “Back in my day…”? I still cringe when I remember everytime I had to watch “Saturday Night Live” with my father.
Well, I do. DAMMIT!
Besides, it’s tv.
Why sweat the state of the steadily lowering browridge in a constantly dissapointing form of entertainment? That’s the issue; tv is meant to be a distraction, it’s producers have no idea how to entertain an audience. The examples listed are aimed at easily distracted, semilitates (or easily distracted, semiliterate producers).
If a well made television series makes it to air. We should be overjoyed, as well as amazed. And the rest of us should settle for buying the dvds (or watching episodes online) once the networks realise their mistake and cancel the show.
And, yes, eventually, a picture of someones ass will win a Golden Globe for best comedy. (Obligatory “Idiocracy” reference).
June 6th, 2009 at 6:53 am
TV can go blow it’s load on a dead Bald American Eagle for all I care. Fuck television and fuck reality tv. American’s need to grow some fucking balls because all of this gay reality shit is turning men into prissy fags and women into a bunch of materialist shit eating whores!
June 6th, 2009 at 6:51 am
Oh man that is a funny read! Oh-so-true! I am going to “force” my gf to read it; she loves The Hills.
June 6th, 2009 at 6:47 am
Why haven’t I been reading cracked more? This is an amazingly funny assesment of the state of American “TV”.
June 6th, 2009 at 6:44 am
I’ve never heard of The Cougar, but I support you wholeheartedly in saying that The Hills, which my sister watches religiously, is some of the biggest bullshit I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s based on Laguna Beach: The Real OC. I couldn’t stand to watch more than 5 seconds of it before wondering wtf is going on.
And I’m in their demographic! I’m a 19 year old girl, for Christ’s sake! BRING BACK THE MUSIC, MTV, GODDAMMIT!
June 6th, 2009 at 6:29 am
hey
this is your 69th article
that’s pretty awesome
…..
June 6th, 2009 at 6:21 am
I’ve never seen any of these shows, and I already hate them.
June 6th, 2009 at 5:45 am
Kyle from a few post downs is in need of massive help. I don’t watch these shows but I’d rather do that then what you do to your poor dog and walmart. You’d be the dumb ass to buy it back.
June 6th, 2009 at 5:27 am
Absolutly laughed my ass off at the idea of a competitave cougar fucking show. I’d watch it!
June 6th, 2009 at 5:07 am
A cougar-hosted talk show is the best idea I’ve heard all week.
June 6th, 2009 at 4:47 am
I thought this was going to be about an actual cougar.
I thought this was going to be about an actual cougar.
I thought this was going to be about an actual cougar.
Hilarity, feel free to ensue.
June 6th, 2009 at 4:33 am
@ Orchid 64
Good luck finding anything on the internet that has proper spelling and grammar besides your own, immensely self-congratulatory post. Let me cut your post down to the actual point-
“You don’t get to criticise my shows because a) you didn’t reread it twice before posting and b) the people who read this haven’t learned one of the more difficult rules of the english language, or abbreviate their comments.
Of course, I don’t watch them, but the fact that stupid people agree with you means that you must be wrong. And because I am smart enough to criticise other people, I must disagree with idiots, even if they agree with you.”
June 6th, 2009 at 4:14 am
apparently you’re not qualified to have an opinion on popular culture if you don’t know the difference between a lay and a lei.
do you ever wonder what the descendants of nazis are doing today? they’re on internet comments sections getting way too angry about spelling and grammar (and also never having sex).
June 6th, 2009 at 4:13 am
LOL. 8 years ago I moved to a place where I don’t get TV reception or cable. I haven’t missed TV one bit.
(satellite internet, before you ask)
June 6th, 2009 at 4:07 am
MAKE THE COUGAR SHOW FTW!
June 6th, 2009 at 3:19 am
@ Orchid64: You’re a pretentious cunt who I hate and wish was dead.
Also this article was great. TV is really fucking shit… last Christmas I pretty much lost all hope for TV when there were no Christmas specials or anything on, just a load of reality shows (maybe the people in them were wearing funny red hats? I don’t fucking know…).
June 6th, 2009 at 3:06 am
this is why I don’t ever watch TV and get all my entertainment from the internet. Sweet, generous internet…don’t ever change.
June 6th, 2009 at 3:05 am
The best use of a TV set these days is to watch DVD and play video games
June 6th, 2009 at 2:58 am
Thanks for writing this down. I’m living without TV since 1991, glad I didn’t miss anything.
(watching Stargate and Angel on dvd)
June 6th, 2009 at 2:23 am
@ Orchid64
This article isn’t about being smug, or clever, or even about grammar. It’s about TV being utter shite.
You don’t have to be intelligent to realise that, or comment on it. So go away.
June 6th, 2009 at 2:00 am
uhhh… we should stop watching so much tv and start playing more chess. seriously!
http://www.chesstechnique.com
June 6th, 2009 at 1:26 am
This was so interesting - from someone who had never seen the shows before
June 6th, 2009 at 1:12 am
Wow. Comments section reads like the meeting minutes from a counsel group. I gave up on TV along time ago. The last series I took time out to watch was Sopranos, and X-Files before that. Anything good nowadays I wait till it’s established, 3 seasons in, then I buy the DVDs. E.g. BSG, Arrested Development, Curb Your Enthusiasm.
TV is only good for sports and the occasional movie. I feel bad for adults that are unable to search or download torrents and free movies, documentaries, or games. TV is dead. Online is the only place I can watch the stuff I’m actually into.
June 6th, 2009 at 1:07 am
Somehow being smug and superior about your pop culture interests loses a bit of its luster when you aren’t savvy enough to know the difference between “lei” and “lay”, and most of the people in the peanut gallery applauding you don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re” and lack the spelling or typing skills to manage “thanks” instead of “thx.”
I’ve never heard nor seen any of these shows and I’m sure they blow, but the crowd hooting and hollering that they suck isn’t exactly a group of impressive intellects either.
June 6th, 2009 at 12:46 am
Knight Rider and The A-Team used to make you think?!?!?! WTF?!?!?
June 6th, 2009 at 12:31 am
‘Ay-non-ee-moose Says:
June 5th, 2009 at 11:22 pm
TV ended when American Idol began.’
Not too far from the truth, my friend.
“Chuckles Says:
June 5th, 2009 at 11:50 pm
Douchebaguette?”
You…you get a hug for that *hug*
June 6th, 2009 at 12:27 am
I have not seen any of these shows, mostly because I realized the path TV had headed down long before them.
I honestly don’t think I watch a single reality show, or even game shows.
June 6th, 2009 at 12:22 am
This is why I watch childrens cartoon..
June 6th, 2009 at 12:20 am
I’ll tell you what happened to TV. America got stupid, and pussified. On average, America’s a bunch of dumbass sissies. What happened to Knight Rider, and the A-Team? Shows about kicking ass and taking names? Now, we want to feel safe, and we don’t want shows that make us think. Now, its cool to be a fucking idiot and a coward. Look at all the fucking emo fuckers out there. When I was growing up, dressing like that would get you killed. What happend to guys being tough? I remember fist fighting with my friends, for fun! We would beat the fuck out of each other! AND LAUGH! Now, we watch this fucking pussy bullshit. Fuck TV and fuck you America! I want the old you back! Fuck this wimpy liberal shit.
June 6th, 2009 at 12:04 am
@Niggle Tittlets
Hey. You.
Stop talking.
June 6th, 2009 at 12:03 am
Hmm… I never heard of the Cougar… And that makes me a little sad ’cause I used to be the go-to girl about everyone on the ol’ telly-tee.
Now I’m sad that that, for a large portion of my life, was my one claim to fame.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:57 pm
The guy who wrote this article is a dumbass. Are Jon and Kate supposed to give all eight of their children all their attention all the time everytime the ask for something as stupid as a toy pony? I don’t watch the fucking show and I know you’re wrong. Listen to this guy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACMb-xTax-o&feature=related Have kids then you’ll see how stupid you are right now. It’s not a surprise you would write something so ignorant, all of your shitty fucking articles sound like they were written by a middle school kid. Go fuck yourself.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
The worst part about this article? The fact that my mom watches all of these shows and won’t un-glue herself from the couch until they are over. I figure that at least 80% of the people who watch these shows are just like that and it makes me happy that I got rid of my TV.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
i’ve been jacking of my dog on a daily basis for the past year and saving his ejaculate in an empty one gallon milk jug. when it’s full i’m going to take it back to Walmart and put it back on the shelf with a ‘fresh’ expiration date.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:50 pm
Douchebaguette?
June 5th, 2009 at 11:22 pm
TV ended when American Idol began.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:08 pm
Re: Oh Hai:
“When the world first met the Gosselins, Kate was a more-than-full-time-mother and Jon was going off to work every day as an “I.T. analyst.” (This is a position which is actually a very common occupation for men on reality series. Women tend more toward “Pilates instructor.”)
Then Jon, who appears laid back to the point of being comatose, lost his job. Kate, who was a tad obsessive in the house (she once berated her husband for breathing too loud), produced several best-selling books and made so many promotional tours that her husband found himself in the role of the major caregiver.”
There’s no indication in that piece, given the fact that he lost his job relatively shortly after the show started airing, that Jon has gotten work since then. If, however, he has, then that means that he was given the job after the show was airing, which essentially amounts to free publicity for his employer, in exchange for a job title. I’m fairly certain that the $50,000 per episode they’re making would be their primary source of income.
And raising 8 children only qualifies as ‘work’ if someone is actually . . . you know . . . raising them. Rather than being a prissy, bitchy drama queen in front of the camera. Which is the only thing that Kate seems to do from my admittedly limited experience with this form of torture masquerading as entertainment.
Of course, the facts of the matter are as follows.
1) They’re both idiots.
2) They’re both borderline negligent.
3) To pretend that kids ‘have a choice’ in something like this when mommy and daddy sit them down and say, “Don’t you like this nice new house? Then don’t you want the cameras here? Those looked like nods to me - awesome, we’re good for another season!” is utterly retarded.
4) They happily cash their checks from the show, but the moment that either one looks anything less than glowing, they bitch about how they (I’m quoting) “did not sign up for public scrutiny of everything”. Thus proving that first of all Jon, at least (being the one that said that) is apparently completely unaware of what exactly it means to be famous, and it serves to strongly reinforce point number one.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:01 pm
Why the fuck do people watch this shit anyway? I had a friend who just got laid off (he has two kids BTW) and he just sits his ass at home all day watching shitty TV shows like House and whatever the fuck you call it Burn Foreclosure Notice or some shit when he should be out finding a job or getting on a fucking 1099, but no he has to complain about some stupid ass episode where some girl lies about her parents dying and becoming emancipated at 16 or some shit. God Dammit. I’ll stick with watching Bloomberg thank you very much, at least I know Citi is no longer part of the Dow Jones Industrial average. BUY BUY BUY!!!
June 5th, 2009 at 10:47 pm
One of the best articles on Cracked.com ever
June 5th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
I… honestly have never heard of any of these shows. I either win or lose. I’m not sure.
But I’m waiting on that cougar show.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
Finally, someone who’s just as pop-uncultured as me. I don’t get any of these shows (haven’t even heard of the aforementioned MILF realititty series), and enjoy the ignorant fucking bliss that comes with avoiding all but 4 tv channels…5 if you include a weekly Lost dosage.
I’d totally take you out on a date if you were a NJ dude. I know i wouldn’t have to worry about feeling like ‘that weird chick’ after my anti-pop-tv persona fails to laugh at the hilarious reference from last night’s prime time shenanigans.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
This is why I no longer subscribe to satellite or cable. I only got a dtv box for when I would like to watch the weather or something. Which I never have lol. Anyways, this is the most truthful article I have seen on the internet. These shows are getting dumber and dumber each year. Why watch this crap. Watch what you want on hulu and move on with your day a little more intelligent than the person watching this shit.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
At work, I get to hear about The Hills from dead-behind-the-eyes girls, and I visit my grandmother and hear her talk about John and Kate. When I listen to this, I think about Arrested Development, Scrubs, The Shield, Boston Legal, House, Shatner’s Raw Nerve, Jeopardy!, The Soup, Seinfeld reruns, News, infomercials, Telemundo…
June 5th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
Which is why I watch the news. Arguably less depressing, depending on what’s happening on that day.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
If I could make it through another day at class without hearing vapid bitches talk about these shows I will be able to die a happy man
June 5th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
Could someone CC this article, with comments attached, to all the executives at the major TV networks?
Thx, appreciate it.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
I agree with every word. This is not a comedy piece, its a straight out observation of undeniable fact. When Western civilisation finally falls, future historians will be able to trace it to the moment that “reality TV” entered the lexicon.
Meanwhile, watching repressed homosexual 20 something with absolutely no self esteem trying to fuck a cougar WOULD be real entertainment. Yet we lost Firefly for this shit?
June 5th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
AMEN!
June 5th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
That John and Kate piece of hell sounds exactly like about half the children in my mum prep class. One woman, who works in a pharmarcy, constantly doses her kids with cough medicine. To make them drowsy. And more agreeable. She should totally have her own show.
If that cougar show existed, then that cougar could one day go on ‘I’m a Celebrity’. Hilarity ensues.
June 5th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
You made my day.
June 5th, 2009 at 9:34 pm
THANK YOU!
June 5th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
Agreement
June 5th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
I miss Wings…great show.
June 5th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
Thank you.
THANK YOU!
I thought I was alone in a world where these meaningless assholes were famous for no sonofabitching reason!
As Mugatu would say, “I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!”
June 5th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
I can’t agree more, seriously it would hurt my penis if I did.
P.S. My name really is hell yeah
June 5th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
You thought ‘The Cougar’ was about a cougar? WRONG. THIS is the real Cougar:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7zZbTC6UCA
June 5th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
TV pretty much ended when Buffy the Vampire Slayer went off the air. It was in a steep slide for a couple of years, then oblivion. We canceled our cable TV a couple of years ago; haven’t missed it yet.
June 5th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
Jon does work
Kate - does work …..8 children is work
(Their children don’t have to be in the show if they don’t want to )
Besides that i agree with all the others…..ESPECIALLY the hills…
June 5th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
I absolutely hate jon and Kate plus 8. My grandmother was living alone during the civil war in El Salvador with 9 fucking children, and she had to sneack them all through the war ridden country all the way to Costa Rica, where she couldn’t make a living to support the family because she was considered a refugee and could not get a job. Let’s see Jon and fucking Kate try that without losing some children.
June 5th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
I agree wholeheartedly with you sir. T.V has turned into a buncha reality show and doctor dramas :(. Neither of which are any good. Thank god for xboxes?
June 5th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
I am smugly proud to admit that I’ve never seen any of these shows.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
your so right, i also woke up one morning and started to watch my morning shows you know the ones with news, and i notice “celebrities” that were on the shows and i had no idea who they were? i don’t have cable(thank god) but i’m pretty sure that if these shows were on abc or nbc they wouldn’t make it. and FYI how many fuckin Baldwin bros r there?
June 5th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
This is why i stick to Spongebob, Flapjack, and Chowder.
And occasionally South Park and Family Guy. Oh, and House.
I miss I Dream of Jeannie.
She was so cool.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
I am 46 and I don’t want to help a 42 year old woman raise her kids,,,why in the hell would I want to if I were ever 24 again.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
last time i saw Wings, it was on TBS at 4 AM EST.
well worth staying up for.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
The world is ruined!
Im brazilian, and both here and in US people undervalue the good shows
Here we have really intelligent talk shows and well made comedy shows, but the mass like to watch big brother and novels
And in US, while really good shows like Prison Break and Arrested Development are canceled, all the audience goes to Greys Anatomy
June 5th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Very good article. I enjoyed it quite a bit. I just wanted to point out a little typo though, in reference to the Hawaiian “Lays”, it’s actually “Leis”. Just thought I’d let you know. Me being Hawaiian and all. =] Great job, can’t wait to read more.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
Considering the quality (or lack of) popular TV shows, I honestly don’t know how society has not killed itself. Come on!
The prospect of an Arrested Development movie is an indication that the entertainment industry doesn’t hate us.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
“I thought this was going to be about an actual cougar.” 3x
^ That part got to me. Very funny.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
In reference to my previous comment, I defended Jon and Kate plus 8 because it genuinely seemed for a while that there was a reality show about real, relatable people in an extraordinary situation. But you know, that’s boring, so the pinnacle of excellence that is American news had to fuck that shit up right. I don’t think they hate their children, at least not the episode and a half I saw a while back. I think having cameras around all the fucking time is ruining their marriage and they resent each other. Maybe America will learn if they end up divorcing that people’s personal lives and troubles shouldn’t be marketed as entertainment, but no, probably not.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
fuck t.v.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
I love Dan O’Brien’s happy, positive outlook on things.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
I thought this was going to be about an actual cougar.
—
This article redeems everything you have ever written, Mr. O’Brien.
Thank you for summing up everything about which I have despaired.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
My mom loved Tom and Kate before the media fucked everything up recently. It actually used to be all lubby dubby and heartwarming. They still got stressed out sometimes, but I think having eight kids does that to you. Now the tabloids have injected all this imaginary bullshit into their marriage, and the producers are probably encouraging it because it drives up ratings. Hence the appearance of a loveless marriage. I’m horrified that the other three are considered popular shows, I guess I have successfully sheltered myself from reality competition shows, because I had somehow convinced myself they were dying a slow death. And I’ve only ever heard brainless preteen girls talking about The Hills, but they do seem to contribute to a large share of the human population, so this could all be their fault.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Oh wow, this really made me laugh hard, especially the one about The Hills. Great article!
June 5th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
All I can say to this article is: AMEN!! I couldn’t have said it better myself. My fiance actually sent me this link because he & I feel the same way about TV nowadays so add one more to the list of people who hate these mindless wastes of time. It appears to me that if you’re interested in experiencing your IQ plummeting (assuming people who follow these shows have a brain), just go ahead and watch week after week.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
LOL! I would so watch a competitive cougar fucking show!
June 5th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Right on the money. TV is pure shit these days. If you want even more fun take a look at kids shows these days on the Disney channel and stuff. God.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
I agree! TV has become a waste of time. If I had a job or real life I would hardly ever turn it on.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
I saw this Hills show the first time as well and it was an episode where this douche Spencer guy was talking about how much he loves his soon-to-be-bride, because “she’s like a female version of ME.”
That’s the WHOLE show–> a bunch of people who are so narcissistic, and so in love with themselves, that they live out their lives surrounded by other people who are exactly like themselves, rich, white, and excruciating banal. My sister and my sister-in-law love this show.
There’s some sort of zombie thing spreading here.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
television for the most part panders to the lowest common denominator. it allows the rest of us to feel smarter than we actually are.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
all we’ve got now is burn notice, office and dexter. really nothing else worth watching.
on a side note, you forgot gossip girl. which according to my girlfriend is about a bunch of kids in highschool that fuck each other.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
I’m not alone….
June 5th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
Wow, dude. We’re, like, eye-to-eye on this one.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
Somebody greenlight competitive cougar fucking dammit!
ROFL
June 5th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
I have never understood why people watch ‘the hills’ and ‘Jon and Kate plus 8′. Those people have also never heard of Arrested Development…morons. I’m so glad there are other sane people out there.
June 5th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
I don’t believe I’m dyslexic but everytime I came across the word “unlikable”, whether in the article or the comments, I read it as “unkillable”. Anyone else have that quirk? That just makes it all the more depressing.
June 5th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
Hmmm. Either you’re Joel McHale using a pseudonym, or you just completely stole all of The Soup’s jokes.
That reminds me, The Soup is on in ten minutes!
June 5th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
This is why I continue to watch Arrested Development on DVD
June 5th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
these days, watching TV makes me want to fellate a hot curling iron. i thought i was the only one.
June 5th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
There’s tons of quality TV still being made, but the most popular, well-known stuff is mind-numbing reality drivel. So, don’t completely write off TV. Off of the top of my head, here’s some quality current stuff for all you TV-phobes: Mad Men, Breaking Bad, In Treatment, Damages, Lost, Big Love, Friday Night Lights, Dexter.
June 5th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
I too have wandered from watching tv. I have rediscovered reading and it is fabulous. It now takes me almost the full month to read an issue of hustler if I skip over the pages that are stuck together and actually read the articles..or the smudges…
June 5th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
LOL @ Heidi and Spencer
June 5th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
Whoever made up the “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here” show is just retarded. Most of the people on the show I don’t know, or have only seen once and mocked them and that’s the only reason I remember them at all. (Fish-Lips, anyone?) Heidi and Spencer are possibly the stupidest people on the planet, and they make me want to put a gun in my mouth.
June 5th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
lmao
June 5th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Great article DOB, my wife watches John and Kate and I can’t stand it, If John was smart, he’d leave and go be a contestant on the cougar.
June 5th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
You nailed down the Hills, I never understood that show.
June 5th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
There was supposed to be a comma after also….
…I’m sorry. i’m fucking drunk.
June 5th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Also DOB is a fucking legend.
June 5th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
I believe it’s ‘Douchette’
Thankfully we only get the good American TV shows over here in the UK.
Like Lost.
June 5th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
aww… i was in a really good mood after reading this article, i was all set up to give a really enthusiastic comment on my favourite line in the article. But then i read the comments. Now i’m just sad. I will never read the comments section again, there shouldn’t be this much anger on a comedy website.
June 5th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
thank you so much for saying what I’ve been preaching to my fiance for the past year.
F*** The Hills, F*** Jon & Kate, F*** Cougars, F*** Rock of Love, F*** New York(Not the state, the obnoxious whore)….
AND MOST OF ALL: F*** HOUSEWIVES OF ALL DIFFERENT COUNTIES!!!!
thank you once again.
June 5th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
I’m glad i live in iceland and don’t have to watch any of this shit…
We have an excellent version of american idol though, the main judge is a coke addict.
Fuckin’yeah!
June 5th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
AMEN.
Seriously, what the hell? I used to have one or two shows I liked to watch every week, but for the past year and a half, I’ve watched NOTHING. It’s all a load of miserable garbage. I hadn’t even heard of Jon and Kate until they started showing up on the cover of “People” magazine EVERY FRIGGING WEEK. And will someone please clarify for me if “The Hills” is a reality show or some kind of crappy unscripted fiction, because I honestly don’t know.
These days, the only time I turn on the TV is to use it as a cheap nightlight and to watch the Weather Channel. And I even watch TWC on mute.
June 5th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
@Manmeat, hey me too, I havn’t had a television connection in about 6 years, it’s mostly shite anyway. The few good programs I can download anyway. As for people’s reaction, it is like you say you have never seen the sun, people need to get friggin lives (says me who spends most of his time on the computer).
June 5th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
Anybody ever heard of reading a book for chrissake?
June 5th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
“Flouridated”? Really? That’s the word you wanted to use there? Perhaps if all of you “television is for sheeple” and “I don’t own a television because I’m a better person than you are” pretentious cocks stopped slobbering over your own imagined intellectual superiority you would learn to relax a little. Newsflash: they’re not looking at you as if you had genital warts because you choose to spend your time doing something other than watching television. They’re doing it because you *are* a genital wart, and they’re not used to seeing one that large.
Pull the stick out of your ass, get over yourself and realize that not everyone that enjoys the occasional television program is some sort of mindless zombie suckling at the teat of their corporate masters.
June 5th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
If you loved those shows, you should check out Mythbusters.
In a sentince.
Two douchebags play up to the egos of “conspiracy hating teenagers” by deliberately trying to skew badly devised experiments so they can say “Busted” to as many facts as they can.
Considering I personally have lived through at least one of their “Busted” myths, it is hard to take idiot teens who believe every douchy word from that show seriously. It is understandable how idiot teens can believe it though. Most of them have never crawled out of their parents basement, and have never had anything close to what we would have once called a life. When the most dangerous thing you have done in your life is to wash and dry the cheese grater, one can understand their complete disbelief of the real world outside of their baby proofed suburban safety zones.
June 5th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
[...] What The Fuck Happened to TV?cracked.com [...]
June 5th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
TV *is* shit, a religion of shit, the viewers are the worshippers who spread their gospel of shit by word of mouth every day, quoting commercials, asking whether or not you’ve seen commercial X, show Y, or news snippet Z.
When you tell them, “I don’t watch TV” you may as well have told them you had genital warts and believe in free love while scratching your balls and withdrawing it quickly to offer up a handshake.
Flouridated minds flapping their fat bodies around while thinking they’re smart and witty as they recycle thoughts from journalists, celebrities and other shills of the government and corporations like a bird on a crusty shit stained perch.
Fuck TV.
June 5th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
I too watch my Arrested Development DVDs and quietly weep while thinking about what TV has become. Even my old standbys, the Simpsons and wrestlinbg, arent very good any more. It’s a sad time to watch TV.
June 5th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
D.O.B,
I freakin DESPISE “The Cougar”, “Jo and Kate + 8″ and all other tryhard reality shows. The only reason the damn things exist is because the studio executives dont wanna pay the writers so they slap a bunch of idiots with dreams (People who think they can sing, 20 yr olds who want sex or CHILDREN) together which any number of pompous arseholes who relentlessly judge (or resent) the contestents to provoke conflict (somehow passed as emotion) and good television (which is infact the same boring predictable-without-writing SHIT every fucking week.)
Anyway, thankyou for finally speaking for all of us out here in… well i guess the minorty portion of western civilisation who hate trash like “The Hills” (which seems somehow exactly the same as “Gossip Girl” or “The O.C.) and reality shows everywhere.
Thanks again,
Obi.
June 5th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
I’m completely puzzled as to how someone can actually like the hills. I once was forced to watch it while at my cousin’s house, and even though I had my iPod on full blast to try to keep my gray matter from leaking out of my ears, I could still feel my IQ dropping about 5 points every minute I was forced to sit through it.
June 5th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
“The continuing existence of these shows is proof that America no longer deserves to be the most powerful nation on Earth….and I, for one, welcome our new Chinese overlords!”
Having lived in China for a couple of years, I can assure you that as bad as American TV is it’s got nothing on Chinese TV.
Seriously, Chinese TV is nothing but horrible soap opera after horrible, horrible soap opera. Even the men watch that crap!
June 5th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
And these reality shows always remind me of the MAD TV skit(one of the few good ones) called “Pretty White People With Problems.”
June 5th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this!!! I thought I was the only one going out of my mind, wonder WHAT THE HELL has happened to TV. I have a TV show, and the stuff that hits our cutting room floor (like when the camera is pointing at the ground) is WAY more interesting than all of the drivel you wrote about. And, yet, the ratings say this stuff is a “hit”. Personally, I prefer to watch “Rescue me”, “The Sheild”, “Burn Notice”, “The Daily Show”, and “Adult Swim” over anything you wrote about above.
Good job. Now if only people would watch MY show–at least it’s entertaining and informative.
June 5th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
This is exactly why I download all my shows. The Office, Mythbusters, Rescue Me, South Park. That is about half the list of good shows still left on telelvision. My roommate watches Ghosthunters(where a noice is proof enough), Rock of Love(Brett micheals boing whores? No thanks), and Tool Academy(what the hell are they competing for!?) Just the sound of those shows in the background infuriates me.
June 5th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Haha the cougar thing had me rolling , I guess I’m lucky since I’ve never seen an episode of The Hills.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Your dreams of a tv show revolving dangerous animal sex intruige me.
Though i think the most entertaining concept would be keeping that 40 year old nympho maniac and turnin 20 horny men into the 20 most dangerous animals alive. A shark, a bear, a tiger, a scorpion, a portugese man of war i dont give a fuck aslong as it has the ability to make her want to sew her vagina shut.
Poetic fucking justice.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
I have no cable/television, I’ve vaguely heard of these shows, and I can only say that I miss The History Channel and John Stewart. What’s wings?
June 5th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
word to the DOB. i hear ya! tv is spiralling down into a depressing miasma of crap. i guess the only thing that we have to look forward to is the eventual death that it is bringing upon itself so that it will reside in history books as the form of media that quickly ended itself after the introduction of the web (much like printed media) … oh yeah and about that baby tourette’s idea from last week. i’m pretty sure i got the recipe right last weekend, i can’t remember a damn thing and i have some bruised ribs and bite marks on my arms. Not sure what happened, but i think i’m glad i lost that recipe.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
THANK YOU!!!!
Finally i’m understood.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
oh, and for god sakes, ignore the trolls… they don’t need encouragement. I think it goes without saying that it ISN’t a generational thing, its just…. I dunno, IQ. I have SOME faith in my own generation.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
I used to like Sportscenter until Jessica Simpson started taking up more airtime than the games…if she was nekkid, I could forgive them
June 5th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
shit!
June 5th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
The next person to post here is nazi fuck shit homo douchebag
June 5th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Let that be a lesson: if you’re eating or drinking while reading this, either the humor or the content it’s about will make you reflexively gag.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Amen. Mainstream TV has gone to shit. But there are a few good shows on the air right now…note FEW.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Thank you Daniel O’Brien. You speak for many of the non-4 million viewers of gaytarded television. Actually, you should be awarded your own show… you could host competitive cougar fucking starring the Hills IN HD. I’d watch it.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Thanks, Dan! >/
Because of the idea of live cougar fucking show I spit milk from my cereal all over my computer screen.
You owe me a new fucking screen, Dan, how dare you be so goddamn funny!
June 5th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Reality TV is the only genre of television that could easily be made against the will of the participants.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
They need to have that Italian director who did “Cannibal Holocaust” film the series “Competitive Cougar Fucking”
-That, Sir, I would watch!
June 5th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Reality TV shows are the only type of show that could easily be made against the will of the participant.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
But, you know, it doesn’t even need to BE a talk show, it could’ve been anything, and as long as a real cougar was front and center, the show would be a hit. They could’ve even kept their stupid premise, for all I care, I would have gladly watched a show that was about a dozen 20-year-old dudes taking turns trying to fuck a live cougar. Who wouldn’t watch that show?!?! Week after week they would try and fail and I would love every second of it.
lmfao. so true!! this article had me laughing the whole time. every sentence is hilarious. great work Daniel O’Brien!!
June 5th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Make that “the SPENCER and THE ONE THAT ISN’T SPENCER dialogue.” My bad.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Hey “Captain Spastic” are you a freaking moron??
Why don’t you bend over and let a cougar do the rest…
Lions and Tigers and Cougars OH MY
June 5th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
My favorite part about Jon and Kate Plus 8 is when Jon looks into the camera, and you can see in his eyes that he’s completely dead inside.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
The description of events following the SPENCER and THE ONE THAT ISN’T SPENCER is priceless. I nearly lost bowel control, and in a good way. The only reason I know about the Spencer douchebag is thanks to the nearly relentless (and deserved) reaming he gets on E!’s “Talk Soup.”
And OMFG, Daniel, you captured my sentiments EXACTLY about Jon + Kate + 8. If ever there were a more compelling “documentary” (and I use that term very loosely) to show sexually active teenagers in order to educate them (and prevent) pregnancies, this show would be it. It’s the television equivalent of strapping eight computer/mechanical dolls to a teenage boy or girl to show him/her the reality of child rearing, like what is done at schools with more aggressive sex education programs. I couldn’t have worded how that show makes me feel more eloquently.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
As I started to say, older tv is/was mindless too. But you were not asked to take it seriously.
As magpyre basically says, Enjoying these shows is far more a sign of serious mental decline than bitching about them.
And I still stand by what I said. Any use of a child in reality television is essentially a form of child abuse. See Dr. Shill, et al, ad nauseum.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
I gave up TV when Wings went off the air
June 5th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Somebody greenlight competitive cougar fucking dammit!
That might be the single greatest sentence ever written. Certainly in the top 3.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Capt. Spastic.
If you seriously think these shows only suck to this guy because he’s “old” then I am so disappointed in this generation. These shows suck, especially the Hills. I don’t think it’s even a reality show (which generally suck too). I’m pretty sure it’s scripted by the worst writers ever (unless these ppl are just so inanimate that they can’t even talk without sounding fake.)
I dont care what generation you’re from. Actual shows with actual plots means something. I can respect I love lucy or I dream of genie or any of those shows outside of my generation. For 10,000 years stories were about the same basic things. Called a plot. These shows don’t have any. Even game shows (and I guess the survivor shows) have some plot (to win the game). But these don’t. It’s not real life. It’s not an interesting fake life (i.e. seinfeld). It’s bad acting with no story.
And the one with the 8 kids is just ppl making fun of a family that has a bunch of kids and make you say “I’m glad I’m not them”.
There are good shows out now of course. The office. How I met your mother, etc. Just that there are even more bad shows.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
“Somebody greenlight competitive cougar fucking dammit!”
I hear there is a guy in Brazil that will make that movie for $350 American dollars.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
I think hell is the devil (or Rupert Murdoch, take your pick) buying a season’s worth of these shows, plugging them into the DVD player and forcing you to watch like you’re in Clockwork Orange…
June 5th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
You’re willing to watch men screw a cougar?
You’re a sick F#&ker.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Pretty sad these shows are considered “reality”. Even sadder is a lot of people actually believe they are reality! Yes, a highly scripted, multi-rehearsed 12 take reality. On the other hand, I’d definitely nail the 40 something bimbo up there.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Well, Scuuuuuuusssssssseeeee me, blackbetta, it is still a form of abuse. There are more types of abuse than physical or sexual, Bonehead!
Read your Dickens.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Shows like this is what will make ‘Idiocracy’ a reality….
June 5th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Oh, and DOB, don’t kid yourself, you’d totally bone the Cougar.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
I only know about these shows from watching the Soup, which exists only to bash absurd shows like these. Its funny, but just knowing that people actually watch this kind of crap makes me sick to my stomach.
God I miss Arrested Development. WHY FOX?!?!??! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?
June 5th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Its a bit off to say that just because someone thinks reality TV is mindless mush they must be old, it is mindless mush, but its cheap, you dont have to pay actors, write scripts, film stuff in any kind of talented way, just find half a dozen wannabees and watch them implode in a shower of their own fake neurosis, sooner or later it will get boring for everybody, then maybe companies will make something entertaining, or even thought provoking, I have never heard of most of these reality tv shows, I have seen a few, got bored within 2.4 nanoseconds and watched re-runs of Top Gear instead, much better!
June 5th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
I am live in a cable free house. And i like it hat way.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
The only article I’ve read the whole way through for about 2 months…
June 5th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
toolahroolahroolah, you lying liar who tells lies. They’re not being investigated for child abuse, it’s for child labor law violations:
http://www.nypost.com/seven/05292009/news/nationalnews/jon__kate_investigated_by_pa__officials_171580.htm
June 5th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Please make it clear that Jon and Kate Plus 8 is different from the Brady Bunch, and from Eight is Enough, and from With Six You Get Eggroll. This one has eight kids, not six. Big difference!
June 5th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
The last part (starting with “Stacey’s kids, they…It… I’m sorry, I really need to get something off my chest.”) got me laughing till I got tears in my eyes.
Well done, sir. Very well done.
June 5th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
The only reason I have cable at all is for pretty much anything they show on the history channel and the discovery channel, John Stewart, And Stephen Colbert. Pretty much everything else is a waste of time and I feel dumber after watching every minute. The last sitcom I actually regularly followed was probably different stokes, and THAT’S BECAUSE I WAS LIKE 9! As far as reality TV goes, I watch it all the time on Discovery, the deadliest catch is my favorite show pretty much. THAT is reality TV, I even watch most of the ’spin offs’ if you call them that like Ax men, and Ice Road Truckers. It’s amazing to me that if you do it right, make it actually tv about actual real events and skip most of the scripted bullshit (while I’m sure there is certain amount of ‘time sculpting’ and maybe re-shooting of events that already occurred to get them on camera) , it actually comes out really well. All the better for me that most TV sucks, it’s a shame to spend your already short lives wasting away in front of the TV every night, and on the plus side of that, it keeps the idiots off the streets that actually get into that shit…
June 5th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Shows like those make me want to inflict pain on those weaker than me.
Good thing we still have shows like House, Fringe, and Heroes,
June 5th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
lol Says:
June 5th, 2009 at 11:44 am
These are all the reasons I got rid of cable and download what I want to watch.
was my amen
June 5th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Ha, looks like someone is getting old, and blaming society for not being the same.
June 5th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
<>
Amen.
I have no clue about any of these show except j k + 8 are semi local and are being investigated for kiddie abuse.
Anyone who allows their children to appear on tv for any reason should be arrested and have their children removed from their care.
June 5th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Heroes, House, Bones, Family Guy, Scrubs, Battlestar, Fringe… These are all real TV Shows, and most of them are popular.
June 5th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Hey there!
Welcome to growing up!
It’s happens to everyone sooner or later.
Please move to left line, and pick up your aluminum walker, and your box of Depends.
Please take our handy pamphlet, full of phrases like:
“I remember when…”
“Back in my day…”
and the ever popular:
“You kids get off my lawn!”
Please be sure to make your final interment arrangements with the reception.
Have a nice day, and enjoy the rest of your life… while you still can and before Alzheimer’s sets in, and you forget you ever had one.
June 5th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
popurls.com // popular today…
story has entered the popular today section on popurls.com…
June 5th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
“I don’t know if they’re just mannerless mouthbreathers or if they believe that the only way to understand what someone else is saying is by swallowing the sounds they are making”
Seriously CRIED laughing. Best post on Cracked - and that’s saying something.
June 5th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
How the hell am I supposed to watch some sexually indiscriminate lunatic ruin her children when visions of a cougar-hosted talk show dance in my imagination?
I would totally watch that. Especially if said cougar wore a snazzy suit.
June 5th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
You know why I don’t watch TV? Because the commercials are like 10 minutes long for every 30 minute show. Do you really want to sit through 1/3 crap just to get the good parts? That’s why hulu and DVD sets are so popular, because the people who own television stations are screwing themselves over commercials.
June 5th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
the “men” should have to fight a live cougar to hook-up with the old one
June 5th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
You spelled ‘leis’ wrong
June 5th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
But hey, have you checked out that piece of tail that’s the new Doctor Who companion? Juicy, junior, real juicy.
June 5th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Hilarious!! And yes… the cast from The Hills are complete moronic slobs that are less interesting then sandpaper. Spencer and Heidi are embarassing to humans in general. I couldn’t watch 10 minutes of this show without experiencing successive waves of nausea….
And The Cougar…. LOL… bring on the live cat! Let the maulings begin!!!!
June 5th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
“I don’t know if they’re just mannerless mouthbreathers or if they believe that the only way to understand what someone else is saying is by swallowing the sounds they are making”
Funniest God Damned Thing I have ever read! I laughed out loud. Such a perfect description for the idiot television entertainment we have invading our homes every day.
Funny
June 5th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
the cougar refers to the animal that they feed the losers to, they just dont show you that which i think is a the serious downside to that show.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Great article. The fact that people watch these shows makes me sad for humanity.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
@Andrew: Too bad that The Simpsons has blown ass since around season 15 when they fired all the great writers and hired what I’m guessing to be is a bunch of female comedians.
Seriously…how can you watch what is now The Simpsons?
June 5th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
“I would have gladly watched a show that was about a dozen 20-year-old dudes taking turns trying to fuck a live cougar. Who wouldn’t watch that show?!?! Week after week they would try and fail and I would love every second of it.”
All I can say is… Yes. It would be the best thing on TV since Battlestar Galactica.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Dear Penny,
Nobody gives a shit. I mean *nobody*. If there WAS a purpose to these tv-delivered-trepannations, it would be to prove that not even Spencer gives a shit about Spencer’s petty, overpriveledged personal life.
Regards,
Johndoughy
June 5th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
One of the best articles in a long time. Good job!
June 5th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
A female douchebag is an enimabag.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
At least we still have the simpsons
June 5th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
fucking awesome article! haven’t laughed this much since Diablo Cody quit the City Pages for Hollywood. keep it up DOB!
June 5th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
“Terrorists try to blow us up not because they hate freedom, but because we use our freedom to make The Hills.”
Nice little sendup to David Cross!
June 5th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Nooooo, you SHOULD watch the first two episodes of I’m a Celebrity, because Heidi and Spencer totally get owned on national tv as the remorseless douchebags they are, and quit after two days.
Oh and Spencer is clearly a badly closeted gay boy.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
The Cougar show about an actual cougar sounds amazing.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
“Pretty, interchangeable white people wearing clothes.” Maybe the problem with the show lies in those last two words? It sure as hell would make it a lot more interesting.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:55 am
[...] http://www.cracked.com/blog/columnist-watches-shitty-tv-regrets-it-immediately/ [...]
June 5th, 2009 at 11:50 am
Finally… Thank you, DOB!
I have been forced to watch the first two, and I finally know why I hated them so much.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:44 am
These are all the reasons I got rid of cable and download what I want to watch.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:44 am
Haha : )
I enjoy watching Jon and Kate grimace at each other from across the couch.
Kudos, DOB.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:44 am
I watched I’m a Celebrity, Get me out of here and my favorite competitors were Heidi and Spencer or Spidey. Spencer was just a huge douche bag to everyone, but I couldn’t take him seriously with that weird beard. So while he’s getting all mad, all I could think about was why he would want the beard. And then I realized: because it helps him look more like a douchebag, and he knows it! Heidi was hilarious because the other competitors stole all their stuff and took the labels off her beauty products, and she was sobbing. She’s all like “They stowle mah dry shanpoo and riwpped da wabels off!” Then they left and the highlight of the show became wondering how the Janice woman is so ugly, but a supermodel.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:38 am
“Pretty, interchangeable white people wearing clothes.” Win.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:29 am
@zuh?:
A portion of our generation is going to turn out that way.
I’ve already got those damn kids on my lawn…
June 5th, 2009 at 11:24 am
I’m in the same boat as DOB. I’m 23 and I’m already getting confused and angered about things the young people like. At this rate I’ll have the mentality of those bitter old men who resent everything before I hit 40.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:22 am
I think teh chibi got fucked by one too many cougars
June 5th, 2009 at 11:21 am
The term to describe the “girl version of a douchebag” would be “Douchebaguette”. As an added bonus, it can also be used to denote a particularly unlikeable French roll!
June 5th, 2009 at 11:21 am
“Terrorists try to blow us up not because they hate freedom, but because we use our freedom to make The Hills.”
God damn that was funny…
June 5th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Tomorrow is the anniversary of D-Day, which gets me thinking, “thank God they’re too old now to know what kind of crap on TV is allowed thanks to their sacrifice in defending our way of life”-love ya, Grandpa
June 5th, 2009 at 11:12 am
Shallow, cloned whores, kids-hating parents, and retarded fratboys (not that there are non-retarded fratboys)
Well, the fucking future looks great.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:11 am
@ThisGuy:
“Wangsting” wasn’t a typo.
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Wangst
June 5th, 2009 at 11:11 am
“It seems that while I was exploring the real world (watching Arrested Development on DVD)…”
Welcome to my life. I can’t stomach anything besides The Office and 30 Rock anymore. I long for the days of G.O.B. and Maeby.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:10 am
“… or if they believe that the only way to understand what someone else is saying is by swallowing the sounds they are making.”
Wow. Just wow.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Great article. I once watched the Hills to see what all the fuss is about and I think it cut 5 years off the end of my life.
Also I heard a rumor that The Cougar was actually going to be called Cougar Gang Bang, but the network wouldn’t allow it. Well actually, I don’t know if there really was a rumor, but if enough Cracked readers spread it, there could be.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:09 am
That was just unbelievably funny. I cannot begin to describe it.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:08 am
lol @ white knight teh chibi. what a fag.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:02 am
Where’s Sam Kinison when you need him??
He’d set those fucker straight-
OHH!! OHHHHH!!!!!!!!! BURN IN HELL!!!!!!!
June 5th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Okay, so now explain “According to Jim.” Go ahead.
See? You can’t! No one can! I gave it a couple of tries before the cigarettes and coffee “loosened things up,” if you catch my drift….
1. Hot chicks love having meatball-sub-breath blasted at them during intercourse. It’s a genetic imprint or something. (See also: “King of Queens”; “Still Standing”; “The Center of the Universe”)
2. The sudden, untimely loss of comedy talent allows audiences to forgive untalented siblings who cash in. All the jockstrap-holders have to do is NOT rupture their ventricles during a coke-heroin-mango smoothie.
3. Getting a fatter, fuglier sidekick allows the meatheadliner to suspend our disbelief. Until an actual real hottie jolts us back to reality by fucking a pro athlete or a rock star.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Oh, and Army Wives (in the US) is not a reality show, it’s a scripted drama on Lifetime.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:55 am
I’m ashamed to admit, I was flippin channels and what is on MTV but a bunch of those cornball whitebread blondhaired fucking model idiots trying to attempt what I would guess to be a traditional Polynesian war dance…like these morons have any kind of clue what they’re doing…suppose they’re into some kind of ‘competition’ for a ‘million dollars’- they’ ll do anything, i guess…HEY! Let’s throw the lot of them in a pit with some hungry….COUGARS
June 5th, 2009 at 10:52 am
My sister watches Jon & Kate which means I end up being eyeball-and-earhole raped by their ridiculousness. My guess is Kate took fertility drugs because they find each other so repulsive that continued boning was not an option. I feel sorry for the kids.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:52 am
Too short DOB!!! Otherwise, hilarious as usual.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:51 am
lick my anus everybody its great!
June 5th, 2009 at 10:48 am
LMAO! fuck a live cougar, now that would be a great tv show. Good Luck with that manuever. well done sir!
June 5th, 2009 at 10:47 am
I would like everyone to note that GalahadPc down there accidentally typed the word wangsting, and it made me laugh. It’s a dongtacular word. Also why is spelling correction on this website trying to tell me that dongtacular isn’t a word.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:46 am
I hate The Hills too, but what I hate even more are people who are all like “What is The Hills” or “Who are Jon and Kate”
Seriously, I don’t watch either show but I can’t remember the last time I bought groceries or toilet paper and didn’t see their stupid faces on the cover of at least 3 magazines at the checkout aisle while the stupid old man in front of me spent roughtly seventeen years counting out his change in nickles.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:40 am
How bout a live male cougar in heat that tries to fuck the contestants? The cougar won’t feel victimized and since the 20-year-olds were planning on wasting their lives anyways no one’s gonna care if they get mounted by a wildcat.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:40 am
case and point as to why I do not own a TV despite having cable included with my rent. I understand why you didn’t throw Gossip Girls into the mix, you’d have used the same comedy as you did for the Hills on that terrible piece of work they call a show. WTF TV is right. <3 DOB
June 5th, 2009 at 10:35 am
I laughed so hard at the part about “The Cougar” that the people at my job literally asked me what was wrong… Hilarious…
And the Hills sucks cock
June 5th, 2009 at 10:35 am
I think that they should add a cougar to all of those shows. I’ll admit that I watch crappy television from time to time, but I’m all for watching blond spoiled brats run around in heels worrying about getting mauled. And what’s more adorable than 8 kids trying to give a wild, hungry, and irrate cougar a hug?
June 5th, 2009 at 10:27 am
These are the sort of shows for “no one watches” daytime television to fill airtime. But when they make you want “Competitive Cougar Fucking” and start giving you sexual disorders (and lets face it there are a lot of us here) you start to see no future not only for these sort of shows, but also all shows, movies, documentaries (they even screw up discovery channel) and TV itself. It’s scary when you see no future for TV and your grandkids as people from Star terk asking “tee vee what?”
June 5th, 2009 at 10:27 am
They had a pretty good time (and if they didn’t… who gives a shit… there are plenty more where they came from).
June 5th, 2009 at 10:27 am
Grasshopper Vs. Cougar…hmmm, you may have something…
June 5th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Considering how they’re now speculating he died, why the hell didn’t somebody come up with the idea of doing a reality show about David Carradine?
June 5th, 2009 at 10:21 am
WAIT WAIT I’ve got it…A show with Tattoo, Isaac the bartender, Mr. T and to put a FRESH, NEW 2009-spin on things, a COUGAR trying to fuck Paris Hilton-That’s Hot!
June 5th, 2009 at 10:21 am
I am so fucking sick of unappealing people becoming famous celebrities for no real reason whatsoever.
On the other hand, this is why the terrorists will never win. Too many Americans just don’t give a shit.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:18 am
@chibi
Seriously man. I personally prefer copmetitive beastiality acts over real ones. And I don’t think the animals care anyways, seeing as they are nothing but sex-driven beasts that do only what feels good to them. Don’t be so maladjusted. A**hole
June 5th, 2009 at 10:16 am
No, I’m pretty sure it’s still funny.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:09 am
TehChibi is being discriminative
He’s racist to cougars, thinking they’re all prudes. They need some loving too, even if it is by 20 or so frat boys who are soon to be missing half their torso.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:08 am
This only confirms that there’s nothing worthwhile missing from my life, since I stopped watching TV a few years back (unless Futurama and Stargate DVDs count). Now, at every turn, the channels are full of unlikable characters vomiting inane dialogue or wangsting over problems that any mature adult should’ve learned to cope with, and I can only shake my head in wonder at when it all started going wrong.
Thank you for explaining the answer, in part.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:07 am
WOW…Just heard my bros told me some hot models are putting up their profile on a tall dating site http://Tallconnect.com ,are they just on fire or what??
June 5th, 2009 at 10:07 am
I would watch those retarded fratboys trying to fuck a live Cougar and getting horribly mauled in the process.
That would be a FUCKING AWESOME SHOW!
June 5th, 2009 at 10:05 am
Teh Chibi: Yeah, yeah I get it, you were “just joking”…
Do you, Teh Chibi? Do you really get it?
June 5th, 2009 at 10:03 am
Yes, how DARE you make light of the national epidemic of cougar-fucking…I hear if you do it with a pig you get swine flu XD
June 5th, 2009 at 10:03 am
TehChibi totally got arrested for trying to fuck a cow, I bet.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:02 am
There is a show called 16 and Pregnant premiering soon. The premisis is pretty retarded. Really retarded. Actually I think the director should be shot. I haven’t looked much into it, but I saw an ad for it, and I want it dead. There’s another show called Army Wives I saw an ad for. I can’t see how this can possibly be entertaining for anyone who has more than zero brain cells. Unless they’re British. For every person who believes Reality TV is ruining the world, please just post a message with the humble phrase: “FUCK YOU REALITY TELEVISION” thank you
June 5th, 2009 at 10:00 am
They need to have a retro 80’s-style show starring Tattoo from Fantasy Island, Isaac the bartender from The Love Boat and Mr. T
and all their CRAA-ZEE adventures…they could even have Mr. T trying to fuck a cougar while Tattoo is in the background screaming, “De Plane! De Plane!”
June 5th, 2009 at 9:58 am
i agree 101%
June 5th, 2009 at 9:56 am
Okay, I am getting really sick of people trying to put beastiality in a humorous of funny light. The article was funny until you made the reference about “competitive cougar fucking.” That is just plain not cool. Yeah, yeah I get it, you were “just joking” but some things just aren’t funny even if you were “just joking.” Not only is it an inhumane thing to do to an animal (or attempt to do to an animal) but it only encourages the stupidity and degeneration of humanity in general. Get some class dude.
June 5th, 2009 at 9:55 am
btw, I’m pulling for “Competitive Cougar Fucking”…talk about trying to wrangle some pussy!
June 5th, 2009 at 9:55 am
At least we still have intelligent, clever TV shows like Pushing Daisies, right?
Wait, what?
…
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
June 5th, 2009 at 9:49 am
Thank you for explaining who Jon and Kate are. They started showing up on the covers of tabloids in the supermarket checkout lane and I had no idea why anyone cared.
I still don’t know why anyone cares about them but at least I know they’re on TV.
June 5th, 2009 at 9:47 am
God Bless You, Mr. O’Brien, you’ve voiced my sentiments exactly.
Sadly, one can boil TV down into those 3 categories:
A)The mindless blubbering of high-school aged kids and their poor, miserable-I-have-to-drive-my-Audi-because-my-Porsche-is-in-the-shop shallow lives who really think the world is made up of 14 year-old girls that actually give a flying FUCK about their sorry rich-snob asses. They need to burn in hell. What, blonde clone number 3? Can’t hear you, now bend over and take it up the ass…oh, wait, are you a girl or a guy? …and I thought those chicks from 90210 were whores…
B)The “oh, pay attention to us, we have a TV show so that we can cover the costs of feeding, clothing, schooling, medicine for the 10,000 bratty kids we shamelessly bred!” I’ve seen ‘Jon and Kate’ ONE time, enuff to know the wife is the Typical American Bored Housewife Controlling Bee-Yotch who exploits her children and thinks everyone needs to listen to her problems and thus needs to burn in hell. I hear in the news they’re getting a divorce, so I do get a LITTLE revenge. There is apparently another show where they have like TWENTY freakin kids all born into what you could only describe as a religious cult…bible-thumping baby-making MEDIA WHORES that like to hang around the local Costco for their latest photo op…
C)The retarded “reality show” (reality has nothing to do with it) with your typical models and actors vying to win out over their ‘competition’-again, faceless clones who seem to say the EXACT SAME THING every freakin episode..(my wife is hooked on the crap, she’s a lost cause) hmm, how many ways can I say ‘take it to the next level’…’I'm in it to win it’…’I'm bringin my A game’…How about ‘SHUT UP YOU SILLY HOLLYWOOD FAGGOT, I’M WASTING BRAIN CELLS JUST LISTENING TO YOU’ They need to burn in hell.
-As a side note, I’ve seen what you could actually call a ‘reality show’ where these people try to survive for a month or more in Alaska, sleep in the snow, shoot their own food to survive and get no “million dollars” for making it through…sure beats watching Survivor (Oh, I just won ANOTHER car!!!)
Actually, I guess I should be grateful we have this crap on TV…makes me realize I should get off my ass and actually do something productive with my life…
June 5th, 2009 at 9:41 am
i have an idea for a john and kate spin off show. i call it “john swinging in the doorway from an extension cord”. its a bit long but it drives home the plot. 8 fucking kids? on the short list of things i’d rather be involved with other than 8 kids youll find a contract with satan, barbed wire anal, and working at walmart. death’s sweet embrace will free you from the poop, john,. let it in…and let me film it for a four part series.
June 5th, 2009 at 9:40 am
The last line on the John and Kate part really hit home.
June 5th, 2009 at 9:34 am
so true. this whole article. especially the part about the hills…they really do just stare at each other for like 5 minutes out of every episode.
June 5th, 2009 at 9:34 am
I loved this. And I think that reality t.v. has pretty much ruined t.v. now. That’s all there is anymore, that and game shows.
And dammit I loathe Jon and Kate, yet for some reason am obsessed with this cheating on each other bull crap. They make me want to tie my tubes.
June 5th, 2009 at 9:32 am
Trust me. Footage from Jon and Kate Plus 8 will be Exhibit A for the defense somewhere down the road. If they’d had reality TV back in the 80s, Erik and Lyle Menendez might be free men now.
June 5th, 2009 at 9:29 am
I just have to say that when I hit the part about the actual cougar, I pretty well lost it.
Fox executives: Please, please, please take DOB’s advice and create a competitive cougar f*cking show.
June 5th, 2009 at 9:18 am
I remember a few months back, I was looking at the “Film and TV” section on the Los Angeles Craigslist, and I actually saw ads asking for young guys to come audition for some new reality show called “The Cougar.” I read the ad and thought, “Well, that sounds really goddamned retarded.” Turns out I was right.
June 5th, 2009 at 9:17 am
… this guy (they’re dating) is out NOW?! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ HAWT!!!!
June 5th, 2009 at 9:17 am
And I REFUSE to watch Jon and Kate. They’re exploiting their children and their misery.
June 5th, 2009 at 9:16 am
Watch the show True Jackson VP. You will become more retarded for having done so.
June 5th, 2009 at 9:14 am
all of them shows are horrible and ruin the credit of tv…
June 5th, 2009 at 9:12 am
Good thing you didn’t watch any of those other celebrity reality TV shows, DOB… I had the displeasure of watching some of those shows on MTV, and words can’t even describe how terrible they are.
June 5th, 2009 at 9:12 am
Today, it doesn’t matter wh-
Wait, wait a fucking minute, what’s the appeal of The Hills? The idiots don’t understand basic human emotion, and the intelligent don’t understand the premise of this fucking show. It’s like taking the medical parts out of Grey’s Anatomy, a show that is already the result of giving a notepad and $30 million in funding to a retarded, drunken monkey, probably the one from Passions.
For that matter, what the fuck is up with Passions?
June 5th, 2009 at 9:11 am
THANK YOU.
I’ve heard about The Hills and Jon and Kate Plus Eight (haven’t heard of the other two) nonstop for years…and I never got it.
Why would someone want to watch a fake reality show about annoying rich people? Who cares? Who cares about people who have lots of kids?
I never got it, and now at least I know someone else in the world understands.
So thank you!
June 5th, 2009 at 9:10 am
Freaking awesome!
June 5th, 2009 at 9:08 am
I’m from Portugal and we are lucky enougth to not get those series here. But I loved your article.
I believe that the good days of TV are almost gone.
Heroes and Prison Break went from great to bullshit.
Only Lost maintains some level, but it’s got one season left.
But on the other hand we have good blogs to read (^_^)
June 5th, 2009 at 9:07 am
It is depressing to know despite all the dissent in this column and comments, you and I only represent 0.1% of the population. Someone made the point it’s not so much that there’s crap TV as that there’s millions of people watching it, well simple stuff appeals to simple minds, or at least the simple part of the brain that doesn’t want to digest anything more complex than self-consumed douchebags dialoguing in attempted humour or drama.
Thing is, all TV gets tedious after a while. Even the best shows like House got boring after a while, and the legends [my personal favourite being Frasier] are so few and far between it’s almost demanding a full-time job sorting the grain from the chaff, and it’s always been this way too. I’ll bet people from the 70s were having this exact same exchange about the state of their TV.
If there’s one thing this all teaches us, it’s that there’s a whole lot more goddamned stuff to do than just sit and stare at the idiot box. Fucking read a good book or take a walk every now and then. It had to be said. Something like that probably would never have naturally occurred to 99% of our current generation.
June 5th, 2009 at 9:06 am
Awesome article, although I’ve never even heard of “The Cougar,” and I don’t know of anyone who watches The Hills. Are these really three of the most popular shows in the US, or is Missouri just that far behind everyone else? (Don’t answer that, Cracked readers…)
One mistake I noticed: In the Jon and Kate Plus 8 Hawaiin photo caption, it should be “lei,” not “lay.”
June 5th, 2009 at 9:03 am
“Terrorists try to blow us up not because they hate freedom, but because we use our freedom to make The Hills.”
who would’ve thought the most insightful statement ever would come from a comedy sight?
June 5th, 2009 at 9:02 am
I think it says something that all of the shitty shows you picked are “reality” shows. They are the AIDS cancer of television. ALL OF THEM.
June 5th, 2009 at 9:00 am
“I thought this was going to be about an actual cougar.”
Priceless!!
June 5th, 2009 at 8:58 am
Actually, “I’m A Celebrity, Now Get Me Outta Here!” is not filmed on an island. It’s filmed in Costa Rica, which is not a fucking island as everyone thinks.
June 5th, 2009 at 8:58 am
*snorts*
Excellent article Mr. O’Brien, it definitely brightened my day!
June 5th, 2009 at 8:57 am
DOB, the man I’m in love with (no homo).
June 5th, 2009 at 8:57 am
You must have been watching The Soup because Joel McHale’s been ranting about the creepy flesh-colored beard for a loooong time.
Hilarious article, I agree ‘The Cougar’ was the best part.
June 5th, 2009 at 8:53 am
…I would’ve taken the time to write about American television’s mind-coagulating lowest common denominator catering, but I am already dead inside.
June 5th, 2009 at 8:49 am
“…I’ve never seen two parents more blatant about their total resentment for their children…”
Spend enough time with them, and you’ll find that nearly all parents let it slip from time to time.
June 5th, 2009 at 8:48 am
DOB that was all true you made me laugh soo hard tha my GF thought i was crazy
June 5th, 2009 at 8:48 am
How long until the Weather Channel has an “unscripted” reality show that isn’t “Storm Stories”?
June 5th, 2009 at 8:46 am
“So the USA is recycling a British show for once? “I’m A Celebrity” has been running for eight increasingly unimpressive series over here.”
We tend to do that a lot since Hollywood and television have been completely devoid of any original ideas of their own for many years now. The fact that “I’m A Celebrity” has made it over here isn’t really that surprising, but the fact that even British people consider the show to be horseshit, is.
June 5th, 2009 at 8:37 am
Dropped off cable three years ago and never looked back. Pretty sure my IQ has gone up about 20 points since then. All the good stuff ends up on Netflix anyway.
Just one warning: ‘No TV’ = ‘You’re a Freak’ to most people. They think you’re fucking Amish, or something.
June 5th, 2009 at 8:37 am
right, the first time I’m posting a comment (tho I’m a loyal reader of your columns);
just wanted to say I’ve decided to send a letter to Endemol-productions suggesting they make a tv-show with an actual cougar and the eight kids from jon and kate stuck on an island where they stare eachother down in order not to get eliminated…
Great article DoB.
June 5th, 2009 at 8:32 am
Damn Mr. DOB, you constantly get me in trouble at work for laughing too loud.
You still should have been Conan’s replacement and not Jimmy Falon.
June 5th, 2009 at 8:32 am
nice article; I would have put
Kimora Lee Life In the Fab Lane: seroiusly, wtf?
90210 - Just found out about this show RECENTLY
Californication - I just don’t get this one
June 5th, 2009 at 8:32 am
isn’t the hills on mtv? at least i saw it on that station sometime.
i thought it was some real life ppl being followed by a camera or shit o_o
isn’t that what mtv usually does?
June 5th, 2009 at 8:31 am
these are the words right out of my mouth (even though i haven’t seen *any* of these shows, and this article confirms that i don’t have to) and though i’d like to believe that i could have written a similar treatment equally as well, i’m humbled into admitting that i probably couldn’t. brilliant!
June 5th, 2009 at 8:30 am
Someone needs to fire-bomb every single one of these shows until they are no longer in existence.
Although I think an actual cougar mauling the shit out of a different person would be more entertaining than actually watching “The Cougar”.
June 5th, 2009 at 8:26 am
Hooray for Australia.
The Hills is the only show on your list that made it here and it’s on during the day on Saturdays - while I’m outside having a life…
The wife tried to watch it a couple of times but I basically called her a dickhead and we took our arguement off to the shops.
Mission accomplished.
June 5th, 2009 at 8:26 am
“lei”
June 5th, 2009 at 8:22 am
not only does the cougar sound like a horrible tv show, it is also one of the most degrading words you can use do describe a woman. Not only are you punishing a women for using her sexuality, you are dehumanizing by equating her with an animal. Everyone knows women over 30 aren’t attractive and shouldn’t bee having sex!
Suprisingly good article though, keep it up Dan
June 5th, 2009 at 8:22 am
Remember when TLC was somewhat like the discovery channel and would show documentaries and other interesting shows on a regular basis. They were actually deserving of the title The Learning Channel.
Then, if I remember correctly, they began showing programs like Junkyard Wars, the robot fighting show whatever it was called, etc. All cool shows and they still had documentaries from time to time.
Then Trading Spaces happened. After that, it all went to hell.
June 5th, 2009 at 8:20 am
this was only mildly entertaining until the part about the cougar. that was balls flatteningly hilarious
June 5th, 2009 at 8:17 am
Great as always, Dan! And I couldn’t have said it better myself. T.V. is at an all-time low (with the exception of Lost, Family Guy, and whatever runs on Adult Swim).
I don’t understand the appeal of so-called “reality” t.v. I mean, it’s like watching a game show, except there are no winners–only a bunch of pathetic losers. . . AND it drags on for a whole friggin’ season!
June 5th, 2009 at 8:15 am
You know, I love my Fridays because I get my precious DO’B article, but it kind of sets up the day for failure, because as hilarious a writer he is, the rest of the day sucks, and I know I have to wait a week for another article. And it’s not that the other columnists aren’t funny (compared to something that isn’t Dan O’Brien), but they just don’t equal his greatness.
Anyway, I have to work this weekend, but I totally plan on trying Litte Baby Tourette’s next weekend. That’s going to be such a bad night, and worse morning.
June 5th, 2009 at 8:10 am
WHOA-WHOA-WHOA-WHOA. Let’s just stop a moment to clear things up a little bit. We young guys chasing older women are not, “inexplicably want to settle down in their early 20s and raise her three children.” We want what every other 20-something male wants: carefree, promiscuous sex. We just have a particular type of woman we’re attracted to (and possible unresolved issues about our mothers, but that’s a whole other matter.)
June 5th, 2009 at 8:09 am
also, with the economy going the way it is, prepare for more and more poorly concieved reality tv shows. They’re cheap and they bring in viewers.
June 5th, 2009 at 8:06 am
The female equivalent of douchebag is douchebaquette.
June 5th, 2009 at 8:05 am
I don’t mind that these TV shows exist. Free Speech, Free expression, all that. Make crappy TV shows all you want, I don’t care.
I get pissed off that PEOPLE WATCH THESE SHOWS. BY THE MILLIONS. I know our educational system is not great, but I thought we were smart enough to know when something is not entertaining. It seems even that “this is stupid change the channel” instinct has been removed from the gene pool.
“The Hills” is the worst offender.
Its a show about priviledged kids played by priviledged people pretending they have difficult lives. PLEASE. Any difficulty in your life is solely of your own creation. Go cry in poppop’s money. Maybe do a show entitled “The ‘hood” and I’ll get interested. As long as BET, MTV, or VH1 doesn’t get to turn it into some ghetto fabulous excuse to sell more clothes, shoes, and horrible music.
June 5th, 2009 at 8:03 am
“…everyone on this show has their mouth wide open. All the time. I don’t know if they’re just mannerless mouthbreathers or if they believe that the only way to understand what someone else is saying is by swallowing the sounds they are making.”
Brilliant.
June 5th, 2009 at 8:02 am
I’ve never heard of any of these visual turds until this year, does that make me out of touch??? From what I’ve seen, TV now consists of reality crap ( Like its’ not staged ? ) and redo’s of older or British shows. I guess all the good ideas have evaporated and been replaced with this drivel. When did dropping a litter of kids become something that should be learned ( TLC - The Litter Channel ) and why are the lives of Real wives ( stupid bitches ) worth watching. Almost makes me want to drop my cable!!!
June 5th, 2009 at 7:59 am
I hate anything on MTV.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:57 am
I still have no fucking idea what “The Hills” is. It must be the “Twilight” of TV or something, ’cause I only hear bitchy girls talk about it.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:57 am
I have one thing to say regarding this article… well, actually, I have a lot to say, but I’ll keep it clear and concise.
THANK YOU, DOB.
You have said what I’ve been saying for years, and you’re saying it to people who will actually fucking listen.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:56 am
reality tv gives reality a bad name
June 5th, 2009 at 7:55 am
This article proves that all US TV should only air japanese game shows
June 5th, 2009 at 7:52 am
John and Kate would be better if instead of the 8 kids they were 8 midgets.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:51 am
Fantastic read, sir. Sand sports and movies I haven’t watched a TV series since X-files. Oh wait, I did watch that ‘Who want to be a Superhero show’. I don’t know why, really… was it kinda lame? I don’t know. I suppose so.
Anyway, the cougar thing hurt my pancreas from holding in the laughing at work. Thanks a lot, douchebagella.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:51 am
Yes! A show about a bunch of guys trying to fuck a live Cougar! That would be the best show ever! I would totally watch that show.
DOB you are a genius!
June 5th, 2009 at 7:46 am
You’ve got a good head on your shoulders, sir.
The title of the post alone summed it up.
Well done.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:45 am
He could of just wrote about 99% of the crap on MTV.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:43 am
Wow, competitive cougar fucking. Even if you win, you lose.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:41 am
Articles like this are called “Evolution”. Good work.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:38 am
WTF happened to cracked today? BORING!
June 5th, 2009 at 7:38 am
The only good show on TV is Top Gear. Oh and sometimes Dirty Jobs.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:37 am
The continuing existence of these shows is proof that America no longer deserves to be the most powerful nation on Earth….and I, for one, welcome our new Chinese overlords!
June 5th, 2009 at 7:36 am
Ok seriously, i just love DOB!!! I don’t care if he was writing about the swamp turkey i would still love DOB. (and he’s way hott)
June 5th, 2009 at 7:33 am
nothing i haven’t heard before…
June 5th, 2009 at 7:32 am
DOB, you help keep my faith in humanity.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:29 am
i got called into my bosses office i laughed so hard when i read the
” I would have gladly watched a show that was about a dozen 20-year-old dudes taking turns trying to fuck a live cougar. Who wouldn’t watch that show?!?! Week after week they would try and fail and I would love every second of it.”
June 5th, 2009 at 7:20 am
So the USA is recycling a British show for once? “I’m A Celebrity” has been running for eight increasingly unimpressive series over here.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:19 am
I believe the feminine form of “douchebag” should be “douchebaguette.”
June 5th, 2009 at 7:18 am
This is so funny I cried… I thought the same thing about Jon & Kate when I tried to watch it. And you hit the nail on the head with The Cougar… I love this site.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:16 am
This was a much funnier article than usual from Dan. The part about the cougar show made me lol.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:16 am
The feminine form of “douchebag” is “douchebag.” Gender neutral.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:14 am
Very funny and true!
June 5th, 2009 at 7:14 am
I admire your courage for sitting down and watching that garbage and I love your cougar idea. This is a really good article that totally exposes the downfall of good TV and “sell”ebritites that are famous for absolutley no reason.
Go Cougars!
June 5th, 2009 at 7:12 am
I’d watch a competitive cougar fucking show. That’s a great idea!
June 5th, 2009 at 7:10 am
I’ve never seen any of these shows, but my mom has seen Jon and Kate and just goes off about what a bitch Kate is. I agree, your version of the Cougar would be much better.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:08 am
Honestly, putting a real cougar on “The Cougar” has been the best idea I’ve heard all week. Take 20 pretty boys, tell them they’re competing for the attention of a “starved cougar”, let them primp and preen, and then unleash the cat. It’d be like “Whiplash”, but entertaining.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:05 am
zsasz, please be being sarcastic.
The less nostalgic stupid campy humour from the 70s the better.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:04 am
This is exactly why I don’t watch tv. There is such CRAP on. And these reality shows are the worst. Nothing but a bunch of attention and media whores grabbing their 15 minutes of fame.
You’re preaching to the choir, DOB.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:03 am
My TV watching consists of a couple hour-length shows with a sci-fi, fantasy, or comic book bend to them (I still miss Pushing Daisies). I stay away from Reality television because it is insufferably terrible. This means “music” channels are off limits to me, and some cable channels scare me with how many hours of crap they show.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:58 am
Loved the cougar rant. That was genius!
June 5th, 2009 at 6:57 am
Welcome to new Jimmy Fallon!
“Okay guests, we have a new segment here called Cougarrific!”
No clapping, Jimmy Fallon is shit
Cougar comes out, continuously attacking Jimmy. The cameras never leave his face as he is mauled by 2 cougars, then 3 until the entire room is filled with cougars.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:49 am
They should replace Jimmy Fallon with a cougar. I would love to see them have an animal segment where a zoo keeper brings endangered animals onset and the cougar eats them and then mauls the audience.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:49 am
I had a family guy style flash after you repeated I thought it would be about an actual couger of the women, obvously naked behind a pane of frosted glass saying seductivly “you ready for your cougar?” and the guy sitting on the bed saying “yes” and then all of the sudden the closet door opens and a 150 lb cat, obvously starved and beaten for several days, lunges out on him. Camera pans slowly to focus on the frosted glass were the silhouette of the naked women is now dancing seductivly with the sounds of the guy screaming and cougar screetching. Blood splatters on the frosted glass and the credits role.
Scene.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:49 am
feckin bring back steptoe and son, some mothers do av em, aint half hot mum..the classics.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:45 am
I really hate tv. This article shows why. Fantastic job. “I don’t know, who gives a shit?” pretty much covers every aspect of every show on tv for me.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:39 am
Good stuff, except for the part where you ripped of David Cross’s terrorists/freedom/the simple life bit. Maybe just rip off Mencia; then you can claim you’re doing it ironically.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:38 am
Good article but there were a few titles conspicuously missing - like everything made in America for the last 10 years.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:37 am
“Pretty, interchangeable white people wearing clothes.”
I knew from this line that I was reading comedy gold. DoB, you’ve done it again!
June 5th, 2009 at 6:37 am
You’re one step closer to being Spider Jerusalem.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:35 am
HATE FOR TV IS SHARED. ^ ^
Hate is the closest thing people get to love these days. XD
June 5th, 2009 at 6:34 am
LOVE you for saying this.
The TV-covering press were all up in arms because Joss Whedon’s “Dollhouse” was renewed, despite middling direct Nielsen ratings. That it’s insanely popular in Hulu and DVR viewing (because it’s on at 9E/8C) and it’s already got a respectable pre-order ranking in Amazon didn’t seem to make it through their heads.
They whined and bitched about how a show that developed a respectable cult following because of interesting writing and an unusual story line got renewed. But they can’t f***ing stand up and point out how these shows are completely un-compelling and idiotic?
June 5th, 2009 at 6:29 am
I laughed out loud quite a few times, you’ve done it again DOB.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:25 am
All my friends watched Laguna Beach and the Hills and all that crap. Why would I want to watch rich people running (or actually walking very very slowly) around and staring at each other. Ugh! Thanks DOB. It needed to be said. Even though, I will admit I watched Jon and Kate Plus 8 before all this divorce drama crap because those kids are just so flippin cute!
June 5th, 2009 at 6:15 am
Thank you!!! I was so glad to hear someone say what I’ve been thinking for the past few years. I would call this stuff garbage, but garbage has its place; the garbage can. This stuff doesn’t deserve any place in…anything, dammit!
June 5th, 2009 at 6:06 am
Everyone should not be naked.
Rosie O’Donnell and The Oprah are on TV.
Not a sight I want to see.
also. competitive cougar f**king.
June 5th, 2009 at 5:55 am
What is it with all these American TV shows about shiny rich young douchebags?
I hate to think that these characters (essentially over-privalleged, self obsessed morons) are the role models of an entire generation…
June 5th, 2009 at 5:52 am
TV can suck my ass!
Not only does the UK produce it’s own shit telly but we also get all the recycled shit telly from the states!
June 5th, 2009 at 5:49 am
There is no TV anymore. It’s all just ads for stuff, and vapid portrails of wannabe’s and hasbeens. I think it should all be naked, I mean really, everyone should be naked. That we could watch.
June 5th, 2009 at 5:35 am
Way to go DOB! Last sentence nailed it.
June 5th, 2009 at 5:29 am
Reality TV in general pretty much blows. The only reality show I can bear to watch is the Ultimate Fighter, and that’s because at the end of every episode, two guys knock the shit out of each other.
June 5th, 2009 at 5:14 am
That Kate chick is a real bitch apparently. They live back in my hometown and my sister runs into her all the time at Target & she’s got the world’s most god awful attitude. I don’t watch the show so I don’t know how she comes off on t.v., but IRL she’s pretty fucking mean.
June 5th, 2009 at 5:13 am
USA network has reruns of wings. Too early for me but you could TiVo.
http://www.usanetwork.com/schedules/sched.php?search=wings&sdate=06%2F01%2F2009-06%2F30%2F2009&x=40&y=3
June 5th, 2009 at 4:58 am
oh my god this line - Somebody greenlight competitive cougar fucking dammit! - made me laugh so hard.. keep up the awesome articles DOB.. and you’re right the show that are on tv are so incredibly lame, who cares about some poor bastards with 8 kids, jeez we’ve become a nation thats obsessed with stupid shows that we forgot how to make real, entertaining funny television.
June 5th, 2009 at 4:55 am
Funny. Very funny. But I think the flesh-colored beard jokes are kinda Joel McHale’s territory. Other than that, well done.
June 5th, 2009 at 4:46 am
fuck you Susan Boyle
June 5th, 2009 at 4:45 am
I sooo agree! I hate most “popular” tv shows these days and as a consequence am left out of most convos with loose acquaintances
tv is such a safe topic for convo with loose acquaintances
so now im just a ackward hanger onner who nods and smiles unspeakingly when they talk about the annoying Susan Boyle cow
June 5th, 2009 at 4:35 am
good to see american tv is going down the shitter just as much as british tv, then again, we just re-run old american shows.
thanks america
June 5th, 2009 at 4:32 am
I love this
June 5th, 2009 at 4:28 am
Reading this in the schoolibrary was a stupid idea.
I comfort myself with the fact that very every ” the hills” there is a Dexter waiting next season. For every Stacey + 8 there is a South Park.
I agree whole-heartedly though, greenlight live on-screen cougar fucking now!
June 5th, 2009 at 4:24 am
Competitive Cougar Fucking has got to be one of the best ideas since Swaim and Ross set out to de-fame and de-throne Hannnah Montana.
June 5th, 2009 at 4:20 am
Ha!. Very Funny Stuff. FIRST. HA! Keep it UP!.