So you can see why I'm so ...
Annoyed? Frustrated? Blue?
Hmm. Well, let's see if I can ... lend you a hand, I guess. So you've already pulled the cover off the DVR. What else have you tried?
I've tried blowing on it.
Your ... little Gary Busey?
No, the DVR. Like a Nintendo. I thought it might be dusty.
Dust never was actually the problem with those things. It was just taking the cartridge out and reseating it that did the trick. No, it sounds like you have a problem with the time shifter.
The device in the DVR that shifts the flow of time.
Wait. What? Doesn't a DVR just record things and then play those back?
No. That's dumb. Every DVR contains a time shifter. It's a small piece of a dying star, which, by spinning very rapidly, allows the DVR to distort the flow of time.
That doesn't seem very likely.
Yeah, let's ask the guy with his pants around his ankles for advice on DVR maintenance.
I'm just going to pull these up now if that's OK with you.
Oh, were you waiting for my permission? Yes, please pull up your pants and any other wang-covering garments, thank you.
You're welcome. So how do I fix the DVR?
If you could somehow reverse the polarity of the time shifter ...
No, I was just f*****g with you. I don't know. Try poking at it with that screwdriver.
Isn't that dangerous?
Plastic handle, right? You should be fine. What's the alternative? You sitting there not masturbating?
You're right! f**k Comcast! f**k electricity!
-He starts stabbing the DVR with a screwdriver.-
It's glowing! The time shifter! It's spinning out of control!
Stop stabbing it!
I can't! The screwdriver is stuck!
-The screwdriver is snagged by the time shifter, sending it dangerously out of balance.-
Get out of there!
-He doesn't. The universe is destroyed.-
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