I guess so. Huh.
Could you at least pretend to give one single leaping goddamn?
It's funny, because I'd have thought they'd have quite a bit of fear and respect for you. You're their creator, after all, their feeder, their master. They should recognize your scent and defer to you.
You're right! They've never attacked me before.
OK. Here's what you're going to do. You're going to re-establish yourself as the dominant male.
I want you to slowly lower your pants.
You'd better hurry up.
Now pee on the ground. Beat your chest while you do so. Show them your scent.
This had better work.
According to pee scientists, the most territorial of scientists, it will.
At the very least you won't piss yourself when you get the Executive Grope. What's happening?
Teddy Roosevelt seems wary. So do the other male presidents.
And the presidentresses?
What is it?
The lady presidents seem ... excited.
I knew you were bringing huge milkshake.
I think I'm just going to run.
Leave your pants! There's no time!
I think there's time!
Not now! Not after we've spent all this time arguing!
Dammit! They're still chasing me!
Still? Are you still peeing?
Run faster than your pee!
Now it's getting on me!
Run backward then!
This is going much much slower.
Run faster backward!
Are you nearly there yet?
Yes, finally. The helicopter pilot waited for me!
Pee on him! No! Don't!
I didn't, thanks. But he still doesn't look impressed.
Is it cold out?
What? Fuck you. Oh no!
What is it?
Lady Martin Van Buren has jumped into the helicopter with me! He/She is speaking!
I didn't know they could do that. What's he/she saying?
She loves me and wants to come back to America with me.
So what should I do?
Congratulations on completing this guide. You're no longer trapped in a theme park out of control. Should you require any further assistance, please consult our guide So Your Sin Against Nature Has Proposed to You.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and your best friend. Join him on Facebook or Twitter and tell him what a spectacular idiot he is.
Recommended For Your Pleasure
It's entirely possible that we're all just a few life decisions away from being truly terrible.
S Peter Davis
April 06, 2019
Businesses still have no idea how to market themselves to women.
April 11, 2019
April 17, 2019
We're moving toward an entirely delivery-based economy ... but there may be some people you WON'T want knowing your address.
April 10, 2019
How exactly do you get gigs like these?
The world is full of competition and insane people.
April 12, 2019