All the windows in the SUV are breaking.
That's your chance to escape! Go now!
-sound of breaking glass and frantic scuffling-
OK. I escaped into the jungle.
Is there a way off this island?
There's a helicopter! But I have to get back to the control center first.
Get back to the control center!
OK! I ... uh ... I probably didn't need your advice for that.
Get back to the control center and get on the helicopter!
Are you doing it?
Yes. Oh shit!
What is it?
I hear someone.
Is it Teddy?
No, I think it's another of his mares.
Can we pick another name for that? 'Honorable Lady-Presidents' or something?
Oh thank goodness. It's just Millard Fillmore.
Foxy Millard Fillmore?
Is he ... dammit all to hell. Is she dangerous?
I don't think so.
OK. Just be careful. It's not the lady presidents you see that concern me.
It's the ones you don't ...
OH HOLY SHIT LADY MARTIN VAN BUREN IS SNEAKING UP ON ME FROM BEHIND!
OH GOD HELP ME HELP ME ADVICE GOD.
OK. Let's just slow down here and think.
NO WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT.
You're going to have to seduce your way past the lady presidents.
How's your ... milkshake? Are you, you know, bringing it?
I AM NOT SEDUCING THE LADY PRESIDENTS.
Easy with the "nots." Don't talk yourself down. You're going to need self-confidence to pull this off.
Hey! They're backing up! They're leaving me alone.
This sounds like good news, but I wonder if it's the kind of good news that immediately precedes bad news.
OH GOD NO. TEDDY ROOSEVELT IS BACK.
There it is.
All the presidents are here now! They're going to watch Teddy Roosevelt kill me.
I guess so. Huh.
Could you at least pretend to give one single leaping goddamn?
It's funny, because I'd have thought they'd have quite a bit of fear and respect for you. You're their creator, after all, their feeder, their master. They should recognize your scent and defer to you.
You're right! They've never attacked me before.
OK. Here's what you're going to do. You're going to re-establish yourself as the dominant male.
I want you to slowly lower your pants.
You'd better hurry up.
Now pee on the ground. Beat your chest while you do so. Show them your scent.
This had better work.
According to pee scientists, the most territorial of scientists, it will.
At the very least you won't piss yourself when you get the Executive Grope. What's happening?
Teddy Roosevelt seems wary. So do the other male presidents.
And the presidentresses?
What is it?
The lady presidents seem ... excited.
I knew you were bringing huge milkshake.
I think I'm just going to run.
Leave your pants! There's no time!
I think there's time!
Not now! Not after we've spent all this time arguing!
Dammit! They're still chasing me!
Still? Are you still peeing?
Run faster than your pee!
Now it's getting on me!
Run backward then!
This is going much much slower.
Run faster backward!
Are you nearly there yet?
Yes, finally. The helicopter pilot waited for me!
Pee on him! No! Don't!
I didn't, thanks. But he still doesn't look impressed.
Is it cold out?
What? Fuck you. Oh no!
What is it?
Lady Martin Van Buren has jumped into the helicopter with me! He/She is speaking!
I didn't know they could do that. What's he/she saying?
She loves me and wants to come back to America with me.
So what should I do?
Congratulations on completing this guide. You're no longer trapped in a theme park out of control. Should you require any further assistance, please consult our guide So Your Sin Against Nature Has Proposed to You.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and your best friend. Join him on Facebook or Twitter and tell him what a spectacular idiot he is.
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