Rock of Love
house to the ground, looking at the ashes would give you AIDS. More to Love More to Love
is the Bachelor
, only everyone is obese. Which means it's the saddest show on TV. They didn't cast this show for sassy, fun-loving big girls. They cast for tragic insecurity. They found girls who knew going in that no one would ever love them, and they just needed someone to film them crying between snacks. I always wonder when they're producing a show like this, who stays back to watch over the inner sanctum of Hell? New Rose Ceremony: Putting Your Mouth on a Pressurized Gravy Cannon
If the nozzle in your mouth blasts gravy down your throat at 200 psi, you are free to stay. If instead your mouth is misted with low-calorie cooking spray, you will be pan-fried and eaten. I'm not saying this to mock these people's struggle against the doughnut, I'm trying to fatten up the girls and help the guy. Because if a 240-pound woman is sexy, just think how good a 560-pound one will look. Man, you could soak that girl up with toast!
Daisy of Love
After not dying from sex with Bret Michaels on Rock of Love
, Daisy was given her own show and the Congressional Medal of Impossible. Her show is exactly the same, only in reverse. On her old show, women emulated Poison groupies to hook up with Bret Michaels; on her new one, men emulate Bret Michaels to hook up with a Poison groupie. Here's where it gets weird, though: They all seem to prefer the early era of Poison when the guys in the band were hotter chicks than their groupies. Every episode is a bizarre activity sandwiched between a montage of the guys putting on makeup. Like, actual women's makeup. Maybe they read on Daisy's Facebook that she's impressed when a dude's lip liner matches the tape he uses to tuck his penis.
New Rose Ceremony: Daisy Gives You Your Penis Back
This concept is very simple, and completely feasible using simple office supplies. As a contestant, you go up to Daisy and ask for your penis back. If she says yes, she takes it out of the cooler and the two of you leave. The remaining contestants then do situps and giggle about how no one makes a truly waterproof mascara.