A Practical Guide To Sexting (For Men Over 30)
JOB INTERVIEWSIn today’s economy, job applicants need every advantage they can get to secure a job. That means learning everything you can about your interviewer: his experiences with the company, his accomplishments and, of course, his cell phone number. An applicant serious about securing a job through my Sexting Technique™ will do whatever necessary--including going through the interviewer’s old discarded billing statements--to get this vital information. Only then can you have experiences such as these:
INTERVIEWER So I see you’ve freelanced at Cracked.com for almost three years. Tell me, what part of that qualifies you to work here at Union Carbide?
GLADSTONE Well, hmm… I wrote an article about Jessica Simpson being fat that got a lot of Diggs.
INTERVIEWER Yeah, that’s not really what we’re looking for in an industrial chemist. I’m sorry, I just-
Interviewer’s cell phone vibrates
INTERVIEWER Excuse me, I’m expecting a call from the EPA. Hello? Oh, it’s not a phone call. It’s just a text. That’s odd.
GLADSTONE What is?
INTERVIEWER Oh nothing. Just a weird emoticon type thing from some unknown caller.
GLADSTONE Is it breasts?
INTERVIEWER Excuse me?
GLADSTONE The text. Is it breasts? I bet it’s breasts, isn’t it?
Interviewer looks at cell phone.
INTERVIEWER Well, it’s an open paren, period, closed paren, and then the series of symbols is repeated again. Oh hey! I guess that does look like breasts. Neat… But how did you know that?
GLADSTONE Perhaps, I could answer you best in this way….
Gladstone pushes a few buttons on his cell phone. Interviewer’s cell phone vibrates.
INTERVIEWER Why did you just forward me a picture of a dude in a shower? Wait. Is that you? And if so, you might want to consider waxing….
GLADSTONE (coyly) I don’t know. Is it me? It could be….
INTERVIEWER You realize I’m not gay, right? And even if I were, what you’re doing is wildly inappropriate.
GLADSTONE Sir, I assure you. I’m not gay either. But that’s how serious I am about working here at Union Carbide.
INTERVIEWER So serious that you’d pretend to be gay to straight man in a way that is unacceptable regardless of sexual orientation?
GLADSTONE That’s one way to say it. Here’s another.
Gladstone sexts furiously on his cell. Interviewer’s phone vibrates again.
INTERVIEWER (reading) U R Hawt? What does that even mean?
GLADSTONE It’s text-speak or sext-speak. All the kids are doing it, old timer! So do I get the job?
INTERVIEWER Mr. Gladstone, I want you to listen closely. I’m going to do two things: First I’m going to drop my phone into the vat of hydrochloric acid we keep in Sector C. And then, I’m going to call security.
GLADSTONE Security? I would think my job orientation would start with Human Resources?
INTERVIEWER I didn’t offer you the job.
GLADSTONE OK. Not yet. But call me. I know you have the number. . .
Gladstone texts. Interviewer’s phone buzzes.
INTERVIEWER (reading text) A semi colon followed by a closed parenthetical? You’re standing right there. Why didn’t you just wink at me for real?!
GLADSTONE Would you like me to wink at you, sir? Is that what you’re saying? Sssh. Don’t answer. I’ll go. I’ll wait for your offer… by text message.
ORDERING AT McDONALD'SEver notice how hard it is to get good service at a McDonald's drive-thru? To the minimum wage employee inside, you’re just another faceless customer, soliciting the fast food conglomerate’s pre-molded culinary wares. A cold impersonal experience. But it doesn’t have to be. After all, a drive-thru menu is actually a lot like a cell phone! I mean, it has a camera, a microphone for talking and a speaker for listening. And when Apple unrolls its Big Mac application in 2010, there will hardly be any difference between the devices at all. So why not apply my Sexting Technique™ to your advantage?
EMPLOYEE Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?
GLADSTONE Can you see me?
GLADSTONE Can you see me?
GLADSTONE Good then let me open my car door and ask you a question: What kind of pants am I wearing?
EMPLOYEE What kind of pants? I don’t- oh, dear God! You’re not wearing pants.
GLADSTONE That’s right, baby. Why don’t you take off that headset and come supersize me?
EMPLOYEE Please sir, I’ll be forced to get my manager.
GLADSTONE Oh, no can do, baby. I want you all to myself… unless--how sexist of me--is your manager… a lady?
EMPLOYEE Please just order something, sir. You must see something you want.
GLADSTONE Oh, I do. What’s your cell phone number?
EMPLOYEE Look, if I just give you a Big Mac, will you please go away?
GLADSTONE I think you’ve already given me a Big Mac, if you know what I mean.
EMPLOYEE Ugh. Gross.
GLADSTONE I mean my penis.
EMPLOYEE I know what you mean. Please, just drive up, take your free food and get out of here.
AT CONFESSIONIf you’re anything like me, you’re surely going to Hell. Yes, fire and brimstone await you for a lifetime of sins all of which have only increased exponentially in this technological age. That’s why the need for Catholicism and its “get out of eternal damnation free” cards are more important than ever. But as about half the congregants in those confessionals are likely owning up to sins they committed online--from illegal downloads, to eBay scams, to harassing old flames on Facebook even after being defriended--it occurred to me that the confessional could use a 21st century update. That’s right, you’re way ahead of me: sexting!
GLADSTONE Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It’s been forever since my last confession.
PRIEST Why is that my son?
GLADSTONE I’m not a Catholic.
PRIEST I see. Well, would you like a personal relationship with Jesus?
GLADSTONE I would, but I don’t have his cell.
Priest’s cell vibrates.
PRIEST I’m sorry, son. I forgot to shut off my phone
GLADSTONE No, that’s OK, Father. Please. Answer it.
PRIEST No, now is not the time.
GLADSTONE It’s from me. I’m shy. Please read it.
PRIEST Oh very well. (reading) “I’ve been a naughty boy?”
PRIEST How, my son?
Priest’s cell vibrates.
PRIEST Again with the text? Very well. (looks at cell) Why did you just send me a picture of a man in a shower? Wait. Is that you? And if so, you might want to consider waxing….
GLADSTONE I think I’m addicted to sexting, Father. Ya see, sexting is…
PRIEST I know what sexting is, my son. And no good can come from it.
GLADSTONE Well, I did just get a free Big Mac on the way over here so…
PRIEST What do you say in your sexts?
GLADSTONE Well sometimes, I do sexts like this:
Priest’s phone buzzes
PRIEST The boobs graphic? That’s not really a sext. That’s… well that’s just a retarded emoticon. Are you sure you really know what you’re doing?
GLADSTONE Hey, how do you know so much about sexting? Aren’t you supposed to be a priest?
PRIEST Um, they had a course... at seminary.
GLADSTONE You sext, don’t you!
PRIEST I do not. Stop this nonsense or-
GLADSTONE Or what? You’ll take me to the rectory?
PRIEST That’s kind of a long way to go for a joke, don’t you think?
GLADSTONE Yeah, I know. I’m sorry, Father. I’m kind of lost here.
PRIEST How so?
GLADSTONE This whole sext column seemed like a good idea, at first, and now well, I don’t really have an ending.
PRIEST Yeah, most Internet columns are like that. Many skits too.
PRIEST Wanna make a joke about me being a pedophile?
GLADSTONE Nah. Too easy. Besides, you seem like a nice enough priest. I mean, for a fictional character.
PRIEST Thanks. I try.
GLADSTONE I should probably just do some penance or something.
PRIEST For the sexting?
GLADSTONE No. For starting a column I couldn’t finish.
PRIEST OK, tell you what. For penance, why don’t you send me the other half of that shower pic and we’ll call it a day?
GLADSTONE I thought we agreed that joke’s too easy.
PRIEST It is, but you’re in a bind, and being compassionate is part of my job.
GLADSTONE Gee thanks, Father!
PRIEST Besides, you didn’t make the joke. I did.
GLADSTONE Well, yeah, sorta, but…
PRIEST Don’t sweat it, Gladstone. It’s just the Internet.
Learn more about Gladstone at Kafka Lives in Maine or stalk him on Facebook.