Using the Toilet at the U.S. Capitol Building: A True Story


I was in Washington, D.C. back in early July, celebrating President Obama's birthday. I got him cash and a card (again), and I had the displeasure of walking around Capitol Hill. I found the nation's capitol not only hotter than Satan's bean bag, but also devoid of any available public restrooms. Asking around, I found that the one place I could use a bathroom was the Capitol Building.I walked farther than I would have liked and arrived at what was hopefully going to be a really fantastic pee. The problem was that the security at the US Capitol Building is comprised of the biggest assholes I have ever encountered.I had a bottle of water in my pocket because of the insane heat and was waiting in a line of four people to go through the security check. I looked around and saw no sign indicating water bottles were not allowed, although I kind of assumed they weren't. So I walked over to the nearest totally not busy security person and asked, "Excuse me, we can't bring bottled water in here, can we?""No, you can't, sir," she said. But her scowl told me she didn't actually mean "sir." She meant, "Go to hell, you question-asker.""Ok, cool, thanks," I replied, taking the underlying insult in stride. I figured I'd finish the bottle outside, so I headed towards the exit and pulled out the bottle.As I opened the door clearly marked "EXIT," I heard another voice say, "Sir, she just said you couldn't drink that in here."I glanced down at my foot, which was resting nicely in the open doorway and looking pretty committed to leaving the building. "Yeah," I said. "I know.""You can't bring water in here, sir.""But, I was- I'm leaving."At this point, everyone was staring at me. Mind you, there were only about ten people in the lobby at the time, five of whom worked security. So not only was I in no way making the kind of scene they seemed to think I was making, but I can't imagine they were stressed out much by this horribly polite water bottle-haver who was holding up the line that didn't actually exist. I walked outside.It should be noted that I didn't even want to go to the Capitol Building. I just desperately had to pee. The second to last thing I wanted to do was down an entire bottle of water and the absolute last thing I wanted to do was go back inside and deal with those awful ghouls again. I downed the water and looked around for a trash can, which I could not find. I smiled at the security guard manning the velvet rope outside and of course received nasty ambivalence in return. I walked back inside and was welcomed by a sea of scowls."Sir, you can't have water in here.""It's empty." I held up the empty water bottle. "Is there a trash can in here?"Two previously silent members of security both pointed behind me."It's outside, sir," said the angrier of the two pointing authority figures. "It's the bin that says 'trash,' 'recycle,' and 'trash.'"I further ignored the fact that each time they called me "sir" they were actually calling me "child," and I looked in the direction their unnecessarily dickish fingers were pointing. Past the door, past the velvet ropes, past another security guard, past a sea of people, about 150 feet away, was indeed a bin in which I could put my stupid trash."Oh," I said. "Sorry. I didn't see that.""It's outside, sir.""Yeah, you just sai- I know."I went outside and walked up to the other security guard, who was blocking off new entries with her velvet rope."Excuse me," I offered, "I just need to throw this away. Can I go do that and still come back in?""Sir," she said, "Is this your second time coming outside?""Yes.""What do you want?""I- I came outside to drink my water because I can't take it inside. I went inside to throw it away. There's no trash can in there. Can I- Can I go throw this away and still come back in?"She rolled her eyes at me and said, "Fine, sir."So I threw my fucking water bottle away and made it back to the security check. I finally went through security successfully and that was also an unpleasant experience. Seriously, you horrible people, stop calling me "sir." You don't mean it. Call me "sir" and talk to me like I'm a fucking adult or call me "hey you, you stupid little puke" and talk to me like I'm a sticky five-year-old who can't stop shitting himself. Either one of those is fine, but when you combine them, you are doing me and your country a disservice. You (and literally all of your coworkers) disrespect the Capitol Building by acting like a prick for no reason. The Capitol Building I didn't even give a shit about seeing.In summary: Today I went to the Capitol Building, had the angriest pee of my life, and then left.The Air and Space Museum was way cooler. I got to see the Spirit of St. Louis, I got to drink water inside, and no one talked to me like I had my dick hanging out of my pants, even though I did.

Scroll down for the next article


Forgot Password?