Today the eternal flame of the Olympic Torch, having traveled hundreds of miles to reach our glorious land, found its home atop the Beijing National Stadium. Though the actions of several insane radicals threatened the route, the torch was nevertheless carried to its final destination unlit and by bus
, as the Chinese People had always planned in the first place. The final runner, failing to ignite the Olympic flame by rubbing it with the damp nub of the torch, was summarily executed. Hail, the People’s Republic of China! The Games are begun!
The first day of games held in our great nation have proven our worth and superiority as sportsmen and citizens of the world stage. Our men and women performed notably in the archery and shooting competitions, hitting many targets and several vicious Tibetan separatists who rushed the field. A number of criminals in attendance also displayed a sign accusing our perfect nation of brutality for its righteous actions in Darfur, but after the police publicly whipped them, they willingly retracted their statements. Truth rings out, and the Games wear on!
There was only one fatality at the Games today, and it was gymnastics-related. All hail our glorious Communism, and its life-giving power!
As was to be expected, the Chinese team crushed their opponents during the table tennis event and won the gold medal. One member of the team, a rural farmer from the Beijing rice fields who was singled out for his extraordinary backhand, broke his wrist and yet played on, in the true spirit of the people. Also in the spirit of the people, he was denied access to any restrooms on the premises, as he is of a low or “dirty” class and is unfit to use them. His time spent competing in the games will be worked off in the mines over the course of the coming weeks. Our discipline gives us strength!
Many of China’s weak and undisciplined opponents complained of poor air quality and a contaminated water supply during the track and field and swimming events. Meanwhile, our athletes, hardened by a life of luxurious, well-compensated service in our plentiful coal mines, performed admirably. This reporter suggests that other nations would do well to provide their doughy populations with some hard (yet equitable and humane) labor. Coughing is the People’s disease!
As of today’s announcement by Micronesia, all other nations have boycotted the Olympic Games. Though their propaganda claims to be concerned over “human rights violations” and “an oppressive, jingoistic regime,” it is more than clear that China’s prowess on the field of competition drove them away in fear and cowardice. The President Himself will be visiting the stadium this evening to collect all gold medals, melt them into ore, and oversee the erection of a statue of His blemishless likeness in honor of the People’s victory.