Today the eternal flame of the Olympic Torch, having traveled hundreds of miles to reach our glorious land, found its home atop the Beijing National Stadium. Though the actions of several insane radicals threatened the route, the torch was nevertheless carried to its final destination unlit and by bus
, as the Chinese People had always planned in the first place. The final runner, failing to ignite the Olympic flame by rubbing it with the damp nub of the torch, was summarily executed. Hail, the People’s Republic of China! The Games are begun!
The first day of games held in our great nation have proven our worth and superiority as sportsmen and citizens of the world stage. Our men and women performed notably in the archery and shooting competitions, hitting many targets and several vicious Tibetan separatists who rushed the field. A number of criminals in attendance also displayed a sign accusing our perfect nation of brutality for its righteous actions in Darfur, but after the police publicly whipped them, they willingly retracted their statements. Truth rings out, and the Games wear on!
There was only one fatality at the Games today, and it was gymnastics-related. All hail our glorious Communism, and its life-giving power!