Plea for Donations to My 'Life Kicked Me In the Balls' Fund
For the last four weeks, I have watched nearly every aspect of my life get savagely attacked, go rabid, then turn on and maul every other aspect of my life until my entire existence was naught but a mewling orgy of blood and foam. I am a portrait of a man in mid-implosion, and there is no sign of change on the horizon. I won't bore anybody with a complete retelling of all the things that have gone wrong, but the short version goes like this: OW OW WHY OW MY BALLS STOP FUCK FUCK AAHAGLL*What I need the most right now is either a lot of money, or to step in front of a bus and secure a nice, cozy, semi-permanent coma. And since being a contractor in this society means you're a subhuman with no rights or credit, and these goddamn LA bus drivers have reflexes like the motherfucking flash, I can't seem to get either. Somebody heard my tale of woe and jokingly said I should hold a fundraiser, the implication being that I had too much dignity to actually do it.Joke's on them!Welcome to ...
Donation of $1 or More:One word and its dictionary definition, which, if dropped in casual conversation, will make you look extremely smart (in front of idiots) and also like a total asshole (in front of everybody).Example:
Donation of $3 or More:Your own exclusive portmanteau of swears.Example: Shicocks!
Donation of $5 or More:I will meditate with you for one full minute on the complete destruction of an enemy of your choosing.Example: Focusing on Melissa Withers, that bitch from Payroll who ate your salad right out of the fridge last Friday.
Donation of $10 or More:I will write your enemy's name on a notepad and leave it by my bedstand when I go to sleep that night. I promise to slip into slumber with hate in my heart, so that we might metaphysically join forces in the dreamworld, then team up on your foe and end them in the space between spaces.**Results are not guaranteed, but methodology has been proven feasibly sound by Dreamscape.Example: None (... yet?)
Donation of $20 or More:I will write a unique and personalized haiku about your penis (or the penis of your choosing).**No vaginas (that would be weird. Don't make this weird.)Example: Standing proud and tallBend like a reed in the windSamuel Pressley's Dong
Donation of $50 or More:I will draw a crude sketch of you sucker-punching the historical figure of your choice. Example: Eric Mattingly giving Sultan Abdulmecid wot's comin' to 'im.
Donation of $100 or More:I will write a short story (1000 words or less) about the time everybody laughed at you, then immediately paid for it with their lives.Example: "Oh Tina Jeffries," said Melissa Withers, her mouth full of stolen salad, "maybe you should have put your name on it.""I did put my name on it," Tina Jeffries replied, pointing to the black letters clearly visible on the top of the container."That's your handwriting?" Melissa Whithers laughed. "I thought somebody tripped an illiterate Parkinson's patient with a magic marker in their teeth and they fell into the fridge."The room erupted in laughter.Seconds later, it erupted in fire.
Donation of $250 or More:I will continue the aforementioned story, but it will now end with an excruciatingly graphic romantic interlude between the two of us.Example:
Donation of $500 or More:I will mail you a headshot of Richard Dean Anderson, in his crowning role as TV's MacGyver. On the reverse side, there will be a triangle drawn in my own blood, followed by a vaguely threatening biblical verse.**
Donation of $1,000 or More:You can claim every single one of my jokes as your own.* If their veracity is ever questioned, a phone call will be provided wherein I sheepishly admit that I have stolen everything from you, because you "are so funny and witty and look really good on a motorcycle."*In a non-professional context only.Example: None. I can provide no genuine instance of this behavior, because I do not actually appreciate the humor and wit of others, and only respond to clever observations and quality writing with rage, seething jealousy and chair shots.
Donation of $5,000 or More:I will rename this column Robert Brockway: Word Puncher ... Presented by the Generous Donations and Quality Sexin' of .**I do not have the authority to do this, but I will email my superiors about it to the point of infuriation. Transcripts will be provided.Example:
Donation of $10,000 or More:I will do whatever. Literally whatever you want. Turns out this is exactly how much my self-respect costs, and not a dollar more. You want to do the Santa Fe Sausage-roll? I'll do it, and I won't even cry. I'll look you right in the eye, the entire time.**A Santa Fe Sausage-roll, as far as I know it, is not an actual deviant act. But if you donate now, I'll invent something pretty fucked up for it to be, and then we'll do that a bunch of times until you're either bored of it, or the paramedics physically pry us apart.For the love of God and my life-smashed balls (mostly my life-smashed balls), donate now!
You can buy Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, or follow him on Twitter and Facebook. Or you could do him a favor and put him in touch with a morally lax bus driver with poor hand/eye coordination.
Be sure to check out more from Brockway in The 5 Current Genetic Experiments Most Likely to Destroy Humanity and A Typical Day at the Office, As Told Through Police Reports.