It’s been pointed out to me that a great deal of my anecdotes here at Cracked end with me under arrest, and this got me thinking: Why do I even bother writing these things, when I have assistants that could be writing all of my pieces for me? And by “assistants,” I mean the police, and by “pieces,” of course I mean incident reports. But hey, it’s not like this is a trait unique to me. Most Cracked employees get paid entirely in bail money, after all, so I figured the best way to give you all a sense of our typical day is just to post all the relevant police reports filed for that day. But mostly because I have court today, and let’s be honest, I’m probably guilty as hell.
VIOLATION: Intimidation and Harassment
NARRATIVE:
Police were called to investigate a man reportedly blocking the exit doors to a local Starbucks. Reports from witnesses state that the suspect was standing in the doorway, refusing to let any customers leave until they had “answered me these riddles three.” Onlookers report that some even attempted to oblige the suspect’s requests, but that all so-called “riddles” were entirely personal questions. Examples given were: “Why do I feel so alone?” and “Does this look like a rash to you?” The scene devolved into violence shortly before we arrived, when the suspect’s riddles apparently began to revolve entirely around the sexual activities of several customers’ mothers. When we arrived, the suspect refused to let us into the establishment, unless we correctly answered “Why your mother sucks so much dick all the time?” Upon detainment, suspect failed a breathalyzer test with a Blood Alcohol Content of .29. Suspect requested a “do-over,” insisting that he could “do better.” Upon immediate re-administration of the test, the suspect blew a .40, informed a nearby mailbox that “that is how you fucking do it,” and then lapsed into unconsciousness.
I feel compelled to note that we found no further alcoholic beverages upon his person at this time, and are at a complete loss as to how he managed to up his BAC so quickly without imbibing more alcohol. I also would like to go on recored as saying: “Touché.”
“20 meters, 10 meters, five meters - that’s inside the room! Wait…what?”
VIOLATION: Kidnapping
NARRATIVE:
Received request for assistance from one Chris Bucholz, who stated over the phone that he was being held against his will in an office in the Cracked, Inc. Building. Upon arrival, the suspect could not be found. When we asked the employees if they knew where we could find Mr. Bucholz, every single person in the room stood up, one after another and declared that “I am Chris Bucholz.” Afterwards, one person began to clap slowly, with others gradually joining in and increasing the enthusiasm of said clap, until the entire office was quickly cheering and parading about. Officers could find no valid trace of the real Mr. Bucholz.
“I AM CHRIS BUCHOLZ!”
VIOLATION: Kidnapping
NARRATIVE:
Received another request for assistance from one Chris Bucholz, clarifying that he was hiding in a closet during our visit, and was too fearful to emerge. We arrived on scene promptly, but Mr. Bucholz refused to press charges, insisting that “it would be rude,” but that he felt “duty bound” to continuously report all crimes to the proper authorities.
VIOLATION: Kidnapping
NARRATIVE:
Received same call from Mr. Bucholz, with same refusal to press charges or exit premises in the company of officers. I suggest that Mr. Bucholz may be mentally ill, in light of his extreme sense of civic duty coupled with inhuman levels of politeness.
CORRECTION:
Please strike suggestion of mental illness from Record. Mr. Bucholz is simply Canadian.
“Just doing my job as a good citizen, officers!”
VIOLATION: Sexual Assault
NARRATIVE:
Responding to call regarding sexual molestation on behalf of one Daniel O’Brien. Upon arrival, we found Mr. O’Brien crying in the bathroom where it was revealed that his superior, one Jack O’Brien, had “touched him in his private place.” Upon questioning Jack O’Brien, officers eventually understood that by “private place,” Daniel had merely meant that same bathroom, and the “touch” he was referring to was a high-five actually initiated by Daniel himself. The tears from Daniel quickly stopped, and he began conversing earnestly with Officer Stephanie Sullivan.
VIOLATION: Sexual Harassment Against a Female Officer of the Law
NARRATIVE:
Mr. Daniel O’Brien had falsified charges of sexual molestation in order to sexually harass Officer Sullivan, whom he had met while he was being detained for prior (unrelated) sexual harassment charges. Subject repeatedly asked inappropriate questions of officer Sullivan, at one point even inquiring if she routinely used her Taser for sexual purposes. Mr. O’Brien noted that “the way it makes you clench up could be pretty handy… down there. For me. And my dick. In you. During Sex. Get it?” Officer Sullivan, in a display of astounding patience, responded that she did, indeed, get it. To which Mr. O’Brien responded that she “will get it.” It should be noted that is the only time I have ever had to physically restrain Officer Sullivan.
The Official Uniform of the LAPD. As seen by DOB.
SUSPECT: Sean ‘Seanbaby’ Riley
VIOLATION: Sexual Harassment Against a Female Officer of the Law
NARRATIVE:
As we were detaining one Daniel O’Brien, noted earlier, Mr. Riley entered the bathroom and began to use the urinal. We began to notice suspicious activity when subject was still “using the urinal” 15 minutes later. He had not broken eye contact with Officer Sullivan during this entire time.
VIOLATION: Sexual Harassment Against a Female Officer of the Law, 3rd Degree Assault
NARRATIVE:
Suspect entered the restroom where we were detaining Misters O’Brien and Riley, strode purposefully up to our position and urinated on Officer Sullivan. When pressed for an explanation he explained it as symptomatic of being “really like… drunk or something.” Suspect blew a 0.0 when breathalyzer was applied.
VIOLATION: Contempt of Court
NARRATIVE:
Mr. Brockway was to be held in contempt of court for distracting and disrespectful remarks. Mr. Brockway did willfully and repeatedly disrupt courtroom proceedings by frequently and loudly objecting to his own testimony, stealing the judge’s gavel which he claimed as “the hammer of Thor” and refused to relinquish, and finally sexually propositioning Judge Meyer by “filing an appeal,” which he clarified as “a-peeling those panties off your crotch, your sexual highness.” Mr. Brockway was released without charges, on the provision that he agreed not to pursue assault charges against Judge Meyer who, in her 56 years of service to our judicial system, has never once “drop-kicked” a plaintiff before today.
INCIDENT DATE: 04/06/09
INCIDENT TIME: 12:45PM
INCIDENT LOCATION: 17th and Grand, Cracked, Inc. Offices
SUSPECT: Robert Brockway
VIOLATION: Sexual Harassment Against a Male Officer of the Law
NARRATIVE:
Mr. Brockway, who was apparently freshly released from an earlier encounter, did make intensely inappropriate and graphic sexual remarks toward a male officer of the law in my presence. The suspect thought that his remarks “should not count” because he “took it back” once he realized the officer’s in question’s gender. Mr. Brockway clarified that he thought his remarks should be rendered invalid, because “everybody knows these Asian dudes all look like hot chicks anyway.” It should be noted that this is the only time I have ever had to physically restrain Officer Rodriguez.
Left Side: What Robert sees. Right Side: What “reality” insists is there.
VIOLATION: Harassment
NARRATIVE:
Responded to a confusing call either from Wayne Gladstone or in regards to Wayne Gladstone. Apparently Mr. Gladstone had phoned the police when he spotted a former “stalker” of his within the premises of the Cracked, Inc. Building. Eventually it became clear that Mr. Gladstone only refers to himself in the third person, and was hoping to file charges against himself, stating that he was “too sexy and just couldn’t leave himself alone.” When we explained that 911 is not a joke, Mr. Gladstone broke down in tears and began to desperately plead with us, insisting that he was not joking and that he feared for his physical safety. Mr. Gladstone removed his pants and revealed to us a chafed and raw penis, stating that it was clear evidence of an assault on Mr. Gladstone by Mr. Gladstone. He was arrested for Indecent Exposure.
VIOLATION: Attempted Suicide
NARRATIVE:
Police were called in regards to a potential suicide, and found one Jack O’Brien standing on the ledge of the 16th floor of the Cracked, Inc. building, threatening to jump to his death. He repeatedly shouted that he “could not take it anymore” and began throwing empty pints of scotch to the street below. Before negotiators could be called in, Mr. O’Brien suddenly ducked back into his office window and made no further appearance on the ledge. Upon further investigation we found Mr. O’Brien calmly working at his desk in complete denial of any suicidal impulses or actions. We were informed that Mr. O’Brien does this every day just before office hours end, and were further told that we should not respond to further similar calls in the future by virtue of a “pact” engaged in by Mr. O’Brien and an unknown entity with some influence in City Hall.
Pictured: Unknown Entity.
VIOLATION: Unknown
NARRATIVE:
Received another call from Chris Bucholz, potential kidnap victim. Upon our arrival on scene, we were informed that Mr. Bucholz just wanted to thank us in person for our previous assistance. When we informed Mr. Bucholz that 911 is for emergency calls only, Mr. Bucholz responded that “courtesy is an emergency.”
REQUEST FOR TRANSFER:
OFFICER NAME: Rodriguez, John
REASON FOR REQUEST:
Unsafe working conditions resulting in undue mental stress, anxiety and depression.
APPLICATION STATUS:
Denied. Officer cannot file for transfer on his first day.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 13th, 2009 at 4:34 am and is filed under Cracked, cops. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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September 4th, 2009 at 6:26 am
you guys are gonna get me fired people dont really like it when you burst out laughing in the middle of a cubicle farm
August 28th, 2009 at 9:21 am
Absolutely brilliant! One of the funniest I have ever seen on this site!
August 10th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
I can’t begin to believe how funny this is, and how much fun you guys must have at work. It took me three attempts to finish this article for the tears of hysterical laughter
August 7th, 2009 at 3:11 am
“Please strike suggestion of mental illness from Record. Mr. Bucholz is simply Canadian.”
That made me laugh so hard.
August 6th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Can’t believe I’ve never seen this before, good thing I was bored and looking through the old articles here.
I have to admit I laughed out loud at least 4 times while reading this. Mainly at the sudden increase in Brockway’s BAL, Swaim’s lack of any alcohol in his system, Brockway’s blatant sexual harassment… well, there wasn’t a single one of these reports I didn’t find funny.
July 29th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
So hilarious!!
I’d love to work for cracked… but I think I’d get sexually harrassed
July 9th, 2009 at 4:27 am
“What movie is everyone standing up declaring themselves to be chris bucholz from?”
Spartacus or Fight Club. Take your pick.
July 6th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
You really captured each writer’s style. DOB’s very clearly stated sexual harassment, Swaim’s very smooooth uh….sexual harassment.
Actually what you really did was capture each writer’s own personal style of sexual harassment.
June 29th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
What movie is everyone standing up declaring themselves to be chris bucholz from?
June 24th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
oh god i lol’d
June 16th, 2009 at 11:31 am
Best Article Ever written on cracked ever
June 9th, 2009 at 11:29 am
very nice.
May 31st, 2009 at 12:28 am
One of the funniest things ever put on Cracked…no joke….
May 30th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
I wish I was funny/mentally ill enough to write for cracked
May 24th, 2009 at 8:21 am
Hey Robert I read your story about that Nazi Fighting Bear named Voytek. That’s pretty fucking badass motherfucker!
May 22nd, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Holy freaking hamburgers that is hilarious!
May 22nd, 2009 at 11:58 am
I want to work there now D:
May 21st, 2009 at 6:22 pm
The first and largest mingle site for Cougars and men.
== http://SugarMommyMatch.Com/ ==
Thousands of single members with real pictures are here waiting for you. Search for what you want, find more than you dreamed! Whether romantic or flirtation.
May 20th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Three thumbs up for sure.
May 20th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
AHAHAHA That was so good.
I love it how Swaim just appears once, urinates on them and claims to be drunk.
‘Asian chicks’ comments and restraining officer Rodriguez, was brilliant.
“courtesy is an emergency” thats great stuff.
May 20th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
:’D
May 19th, 2009 at 9:37 am
Corey is winning a blowjob!
May 18th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
my god.. i can only dream of being able to come up with shit this funny. I admire you good sir!
May 15th, 2009 at 1:46 am
I wanna get dirty with you Mr Brockway!
May 15th, 2009 at 1:17 am
[...] At: Sandy Scott Is A Hottie (SickPigs) Christian The Lion (Urlesque) A Cops Day At The Office (Cracked) All Girls Are Dumb (BlogOfHilarity) Indian Man Eats Bricks (IHeartChaos) 5 Robots That [...]
May 14th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
Your anecdotes are the best thing about you, Brockway. I love them. I love them so much. I was considering describing what sexual acts I would let your articles do to me but I decided that’d be inappropriate. Just trust me when I say that your articles would emerge in tears but as, at long last, proud manticles.
May 14th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
Wow, another gem from Cracked, one of my favorite articles
May 14th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
Wow that was fantastic! I didn’t want it to end.
May 14th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Please leave me out of this.
May 14th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
[...] Sandy Scott Is A Hottie (SickPigs) Christian The Lion (Urlesque) A Cops Day At The Office (Cracked) All Girls Are Dumb (BlogOfHilarity) Indian Man Eats Bricks (IHeartChaos) 5 Robots That [...]
May 14th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
That was amazing, I so wish I worked there. I could use some havoc in my life…
May 14th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
LMAO!
Its especially funny because you guys are probably square (in the good way, of course)
May 14th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
That was awesome! haha…
May 14th, 2009 at 11:58 am
Lmfao. I wanna party with you guys.
May 14th, 2009 at 10:13 am
Totally awesome! I love your articles
May 14th, 2009 at 9:47 am
Awesome. Nothing short of awesome.
May 14th, 2009 at 9:43 am
aha ha! XD
this was the best article ever chris you rock
May 14th, 2009 at 9:32 am
God I love these, lol.
May 14th, 2009 at 9:25 am
Cady you get your ass back in the kitchen NOW!!!
May 14th, 2009 at 7:02 am
This one was great.
May 14th, 2009 at 4:46 am
== http://www.SugarMommyMatch.Com/ == The first and largest mingle site for Mature women and men.Thousands of single members with real pictures are here waiting for you. Search for what you want, find more than you dreamed! Whether romantic or flirtation.
May 14th, 2009 at 4:29 am
Good one. Funny and somehow totally believable
May 14th, 2009 at 3:56 am
[...] sense of our typical day is just to post all the relevant police reports filed for that day.Source:http://www.cracked.com/blog/a-typical-day-at-the-office-as-told-through-police-reports/ Posted by Andy B at [...]
May 14th, 2009 at 1:59 am
I still remember the episode of Due South when they sent him back to Canada. He arrives in the middle of the Northern Territories, completely white with snow and nothing but a few mountains in the distance, when he says, “I’m home.”
That’s a real man Kiefer Sutherland, you can beat up as many limp-wristed fashion designers as you want, but you don’t have the stones to call the bare, freezing wilderness home.
May 14th, 2009 at 1:20 am
*applause*
May 14th, 2009 at 1:20 am
Wow, looks like a LOT of fun!
RT
http://www.privacy-resources.us.tc
May 14th, 2009 at 1:09 am
LOL Due South was always such an interesting show.
Worth the read just for that.
May 14th, 2009 at 1:02 am
Oooh I’d like a golden shower from Swaimy while I suck your cock Robbie. I hope you’re into hermaphrodites with both sexual organs! tee hee! I like a man who can drink a mail box under the table!
May 14th, 2009 at 12:38 am
I never realized that “Seanbaby” was a criminal alias.
May 13th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
this article was remarkably average. good topics but the voice and narrative put me to sleep. figure it out.
May 13th, 2009 at 10:46 pm
Oh yeah. I almost forgot. It may not be as funny as his usual stuff, but I give an A+++ for Creativity and Originality. Definitely not the usual perspective on office life. Sounds like a hell of a lot more fun place to work that where I am now.
May 13th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
Heh. Wow. Someone made up an identity just to mock me with obscure references to my mom’s career, card games and. . . something. Cool!
And all because I didn’t find this one quite as funny as the last. I was just being sarcastic about it being boring, BTW. Just sayin how much it reminded me of my jobs with Uncle Sam and the Temp Agencies. And, if you thought I was saying that Cracked.com was boring. . . Um. . . No. Just the office life here. This is indeed one of my favourite websites; I come here several times daily. So chill.
Oh, and one more thing. I’m the oldest in my family, an uncle, one of the oldest of cousins in a very large family, and a frequent babysitter. So I damn well better be watching the kids play, lest I be negligent in my duties as such.
Trolls. Crunchy on the outside, Chewy in the middle and so much fun to poke.
I’d poke some more, but it’s time for bed.
May 13th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
Brilliant.
May 13th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
this article is so great… i wish i could makeout with it…
May 13th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
Thank-you cracked.
Thank-you…
May 13th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
Robert Brockway - I think I am in love with you.
May 13th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
== SugarMommyMatch.C om == Search mature women and have fun Whether romantic or flirtation. Thousands of single members with real photos are here waiting for you.
May 13th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
I AM CHRIS BUCHOLZ!
May 13th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
I just want say, this is my favorite site on tje web, I read every article, watch every video, and read every comic, and pretty much grin or straight laugh out loud at everything you guys do/endorse, but I have never laughed as hard as consistently as I did for this piece. What a masterpiece, you captured each writers style, participarly DOB so well. Fantastic!
May 13th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
. . . ?O.o? Umm. . . Why, pray tell, why would anyone give a fuck what you think?! Your Mom walking the streets tonight, thus you have no one to lick so you thought you’d come onto Cracked.com and be a cunt?!
May 13th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
one of the best articles in quite a while!
May 13th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
. . . ?O.o? Umm. . . Why, pray tell, does anyone find this funny? I’ve had five jobs that were like this; including two government jobs. It must be because it all happened in one day instead of the two it took us in the National Parks office I worked at.
He didn’t mention the “fingerpainting” on the bathroom stall, the 60 year old naked biker-chick - complete with windsock-boobs flapping in the wind - the gasoline thief who siphoned the wrong tank on an RV, the sooper-high sooper-hippies or the twice-daily bomb threats, so it’s obvious he doesn’t work for the government. Cracked.com sounds kinda boring in the light of two government jobs and three temp agencies. This is pretty typical stuff there.
Here’s a tip: Don’t let a National Parks Ranger babysit - especially if he’s the kid’s grand-parent. He’ll warp their little minds with stories that will keep you up at night - even if you hadn’t heard them yourself. :-}
May 13th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
Ha, wow. Great. Best word punching ever. LOL IRL!!!
May 13th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
I have bits of half chewed pide on my desk thanks to te breathalyzer bit…
Thanks for that!
I really have to stop reading these at lunch time…
May 13th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
“claps” That was incredible, I cracked up (quite loudly) at every single one. Great post.
May 13th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
grrr, too*
May 13th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
“Mr. Gladstone removed his pants and revealed to us a chafed and raw penis, stating that it was clear evidence of an assault on Mr. Gladstone by Mr. Gladstone.”
Laughed to hard
May 13th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
lol “he is simply Canadian”
May 13th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
Simple solution: The guy was friends with both Officer Rodriguez and officer Sullivan but only recently joined the police force.
May 13th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
Nice!!!
May 13th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
“I notice, however, that not having to restrain Officer Rodriguez prior to that day means nothing if, at the end, you say it was his first day.”
Even Cracked is not safe from continuity-Nazis. Nice catch, That Guy.
May 13th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
This is why Brockway is becoming my favorite blogger (currently tied with DOB). I notice, however, that not having to restrain Officer Rodriguez prior to that day means nothing if, at the end, you say it was his first day.
May 13th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Hysterical!
May 13th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Due South plug FTW. Canadians kick ass
May 13th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
These “Day at The Office” stories are always the best ones, no matter who’s writing them. I wann see a lot more of these.
I AM CHRIS BUCHOLZ
May 13th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
fucking awesome article, all the rest of your submissions should be in this format.
May 13th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
awesome
May 13th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
SCORE!
May 13th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Yes.
FUCK yes.
<3 you man
May 13th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
All joking aside, I’m sure DOB gave it to Officer Sullivan after work.
May 13th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
I AM CHRIS BUCHOLZ!!
May 13th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
hilarious article, but i think the first five comments i’ve read will scar me forever.
May 13th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
DOB please have sex with me. Cuz that was fucking hilarious
May 13th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
I’m an LAPD officer and I can tell you that this is NOT funny in the least. These guys disrupt our daily routine and cost the taxpayers lots of money with their felonyus… feloonious… felatious FUCK! BAD behavior… ahh who am I kidding, these guys are great, we love ‘em. Also, I have to admit I do love me some fat dicks on occasion.
May 13th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
oh Mr Brockway–this was the best! I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time. I just worry that you bad boys are pushing Jack over the edge, try not to torture him so.
Again, thanks for the great article.
May 13th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
I’d Digg this if I wasn’t too lazy to sign up for Digg.
May 13th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Absolutely awesome.
May 13th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
That was unreasonably hilarious.
May 13th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Shit! I’m found out. I AM obsessed with fat dicks and sucking. but not necessarily in that order. you said you would never tell. now I’m depressed and will have to suck some fat dicks or I’ll start cutting myself. are you available right now?
May 13th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Pretty sweet! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=18&sku=ENGL-CD00429
May 13th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Because he’s sucked mine! That’s a good homo! XOXO!
May 13th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
haha this is so funny. love the DOB ones. brockaway rocks!
May 13th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
that picture of the canadian was from one of my favorite TV shows, due south starring paul gross. i love the wolf. his name is diefenbacker.
May 13th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
The bit about DOB and the tazer reminds me of a short story that my friend wrote where a character wanted a girlfriend with epilepsy so that he could “turn a strobe light on and hang on”
May 13th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
The thing is, courtesy really is an emergency. Immediacy is directly proportional to courtesy effectiveness.
May 13th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
hahaa wow! that was definately a bright point in my day! thank you, brockway!
May 13th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
this was funny
I am not surprised to find out that cracked employees have police records
but I think they need mental evaluations, urgently
May 13th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Oh how i love this article:D This is by far one of the better blog postings in the last few weeks.
May 13th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
“Suspect entered the restroom where we were detaining Misters O’Brien and Riley, strode purposefully up to our position and urinated on Officer Sullivan”
I spent half an hour laughing at my monitor for this. Just thought you should know.
May 13th, 2009 at 11:53 am
CASE NUMBER: 24X4007f
INCIDENT DATE: 04/10/09
INCIDENT TIME: 1:35PM
INCIDENT LOCATION: LAPD Headquarters
SUSPECTS: LAPD Officers
VIOLATION: Unlawfull discharge of weapons
Narrative: After a number of complaint calls officers were dispatched to Los Angeles Police Headquarters. Upon arriving at the scene the officers witnessed the LAPD violently discharging their weapons at their computers, and case files. They were quickly disarmed and placed into custody. Every phone in the building was utterly destroyed and when questioned one officer Rodriguez claimed it was ’self defense and the only way to escape from the lunatics at the Cracked Office’.
It should be noted that officer Sullivan refused to be visited by: Daniel O’Brien, Sean ‘Seanbaby’ Riley, and Michael Swaim.
Mental evaluations are underway to see if the officers are competent enough to stand trial.
May 13th, 2009 at 11:46 am
This fucking article sucks a fat dick
May 13th, 2009 at 11:37 am
hilarioussss….i love everyone in this article.
May 13th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Seriously the funniest thing I’ve read on here for a while.
You’re like DOB but like, WAY hotter and kinda gay.
May 13th, 2009 at 11:24 am
LOL!! HEHEHEHEHE
May 13th, 2009 at 11:15 am
That was great!! I laughed so hard I coughed at the first entry.
Do this again in the future!!
May 13th, 2009 at 11:14 am
I attempted to initiate one of those standing ovations that begins as one guy clapping and grows into a chorus of applause, but I was apparently the only person in the library to finish reading your article at that particular moment.
well done, mister.
May 13th, 2009 at 11:04 am
Well it’s official Brockway is my new favorite Cracked writer (sorry Gladstone). Everytime I think he cant possibly top his last entry he one ups it so I say Huzzah and Bully for you Mr. Brockway.
May 13th, 2009 at 11:01 am
this article is one of the best I have read! =) Good job Mr. Brockway
May 13th, 2009 at 10:53 am
quite possibly, the funniest piece of writing to appear on this site ever… i was split in laughter reading this… glad to knw cracked offices are populated by such earnest citizens. lol article.. really great wrk!
May 13th, 2009 at 10:50 am
Probably your best article, Mr. Brockway. So many laughs in every report. Good show!
May 13th, 2009 at 10:49 am
Bucholz kidnaped? Who kidnaps a robot?
May 13th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Hurray for a random Due South reference!
May 13th, 2009 at 10:32 am
Man, how did sequence databases, sequence alignmemts and primers not come up on that test? Bullshit, that’s what that was. I feel my opportunity to do what I want with the rest if my life slipping away. I can’t take a regular job, I’d likely kill myself first rather then spend most of my hours hating myself and my job. And as unlucky as I’ve been with some of the tests so far, I really can’t blame anyone but myself at the end of the day.
May 13th, 2009 at 10:22 am
I have been reading cracked for about a year now, and this is the first time I have followed through with a comment. This article was fantastic. Well done sir, well done. I am at work and laughed several times out loud, at which point I was reprimanded, it was clearly worth it
May 13th, 2009 at 9:44 am
that electric shock treatments sounds like a wail of a time, gonna have to try me some of that; any takers ladies?
May 13th, 2009 at 9:33 am
i love the first bit… “answer me these riddles three”
May 13th, 2009 at 9:01 am
This is one of the best Cracked articles I have ever read…Hahaha, best 5 minutes at work yet…
May 13th, 2009 at 9:01 am
I want a job at the Cracked office! Maybe I could be the Chief Bail Bond Coordinator?
May 13th, 2009 at 9:00 am
I can honestly say that no matter what else I ever saw on this site, no matter how strange, for some reason I never expected a picture of the character from Due South. It added a whole extra bit of nuance to the piece. I now see the Cracked offices patroled by an uglier version of Benton Frasier.
May 13th, 2009 at 8:59 am
She sucks to high heaven too!
May 13th, 2009 at 8:57 am
” which he clarified as “a-peeling those panties off your crotch, your sexual highness.”
Easily the best line!
Also, Daniel you are such a little skamp, thats a little too clear! Keep up the awesome shenanagins.
May 13th, 2009 at 8:50 am
‘# Wow Says:
May 13th, 2009 at 8:30 am
This article sucked to high heaven. Holy Toledo this was awful. It’s so bad profanity can’t defame it any worse than it did itself.’
Then why exactly did you read it to the end? Is the guy holding the shotgun to your head a fan of Cracked?
Did you happen to be browsing the net when he held you up?
May 13th, 2009 at 8:50 am
Haha, good stuff, I always enjoy reading stuff from police!
May 13th, 2009 at 8:44 am
Buahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Sequel, sequel! Fan-damn-tastic! Bravissima!
May 13th, 2009 at 8:30 am
This article sucked to high heaven. Holy Toledo this was awful. It’s so bad profanity can’t defame it any worse than it did itself.
May 13th, 2009 at 8:24 am
“the way it makes you clench up could be pretty handy… down there. For me. And my dick. In you. During Sex. Get it?”
Looking back, the police report might not be totally clear, (I had a lot of diagrams to illustrate my point on the actual day of the incident), and I’m worried that it might get misconstrued.
I was talking about having sex with Office Lady and tazing her, which could either make her clench up or poop herself. (Neither scenario concerns me.)
Was that clear?
May 13th, 2009 at 8:17 am
great article brockway.
May 13th, 2009 at 8:15 am
Superb. I miss articles like this.
May 13th, 2009 at 8:14 am
That was brilliant.
“Please strike suggestion of mental illness from Record. Mr. Bucholz is simply Canadian.”
That is the funniest sentence in the entire article…because it’s true.
May 13th, 2009 at 8:01 am
mr. brockway, you BROCK my world!!!!11
lulz
May 13th, 2009 at 7:42 am
Really ?lol………Just heard that he is ho-oking up with a nice gi-rl on the inter-esting cl-ub called: http://Tallconnect.com , really ? Sounds it is a famoaus on-line service.
May 13th, 2009 at 7:38 am
this is perhaps the greatest article i have EVER read on cracked in terms of humor. i was dying of laughter on every single entry. all of them were very well written.
ive been reading cracked for well over a year and i rarely leave comments, but i felt compelled to this time.
good job brockway, keep it up.
May 13th, 2009 at 7:27 am
Brilliant. One of the best so far.
May 13th, 2009 at 7:25 am
These were perfect, every single one. Well done, dude.
May 13th, 2009 at 7:18 am
Hilarious, as always
May 13th, 2009 at 7:07 am
Recently I found a hot club
– Seekingtall.com –
Just for hot tall gals and guys to find their cupid. Come on, tall singles. Don’t miss your lover.
May 13th, 2009 at 7:06 am
“When we asked the employees if they knew where we could find Mr. Bucholz, every single person in the room stood up, one after another and declared that “I am Chris Bucholz.” Afterwards, one person began to clap slowly, with others gradually joining in and increasing the enthusiasm of said clap, until the entire office was quickly cheering and parading about.”
Oh my god yes. Marvellous.
May 13th, 2009 at 6:56 am
clap, clap, clap, clap, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP
May 13th, 2009 at 6:43 am
My favorite article XD
I love the line “courtesy is an emergency.”
May 13th, 2009 at 6:25 am
Well done. Laughed my ass off. Once I found it, re-attached it and then sat back down for another 44 hours of Cracked.com.
May 13th, 2009 at 6:08 am
Oh my God… that was fucking incredible.
May 13th, 2009 at 5:58 am
Due South was a great show.
This article was passable.
May 13th, 2009 at 5:58 am
WHAHAHAHAHA!
It might be the 2 cans of coke I drank or this was too freakin’ hilarious!You’re awesome Rob!
May 13th, 2009 at 5:58 am
“Denied. Officer cannot file for transfer on his first day.”
LOL that rounds up the whole thing perfectly
Great article
May 13th, 2009 at 5:56 am
Police reports are actualy supposed to be written in the 3rd person. but it was atleast mildly entertaining….
May 13th, 2009 at 5:46 am
Tee hee, yeah I think a missing persons for Ross would have been a nice touch. But man, this was a great article. Thanks, Brockway!
May 13th, 2009 at 5:27 am
*buwahaha!*
This is brilliant - great work
May 13th, 2009 at 5:21 am
“Mr. Brockway was released without charges, on the provision that he agreed not to pursue assault charges against Judge Meyer who, in her 56 years of service to our judicial system, has never once “drop-kicked” a plaintiff before today.”
Easily the best part of the story. Otherwise…well…kind of ‘meh’ I suppose.
May 13th, 2009 at 4:56 am
I can’t believe nobody filed a Missing Persons report on Ross. Don’t you bastards care anymore?
May 13th, 2009 at 4:54 am
Heh. That’s a goodun.
May 13th, 2009 at 4:49 am
Also, very funny Brockway. I look forward to next wednesday.
May 13th, 2009 at 4:47 am
I LOVE YOU TINA!
May 13th, 2009 at 4:44 am
Brilliance. Bring more of this demeaning characterisation of Cracked staff.
May 13th, 2009 at 4:43 am
i like it