Pitching Movies to Katherine Heigl: Harder Than It Looks
Without question, Katherine Heigl is the most inspired, revolutionary and brilliant leading actress in any film ever created about a morning show producer who is bad at love until she kisses Gerard Butler in a hot air balloon. I'm willing to fight anyone who says otherwise. She is more than a shimmering superstar, Katherine Heigl is a bright and constant planet, one of those distant ones we name after gods and which we'll probably never see up close because they're made of poison. For what feels like millions of years, she has floated through the seasonal skies of our cultural consciousness, shaping our understanding of relationships through too many romantic comedies to count, and at least six.And once again this winter, Katherine Heigl's orbit will carry her over the horizon and back into our lives. New Year's Eve and One For the Money are due for release in the next few months. Each of them, no doubt, will tell the story of a confident, self-reliant young woman realizing that, in fact, happiness can only be found in the strong arms of a man. It is her favorite story to tell, and our favorite story to hear. I cannot fucking wait. Please let it be a prequel. I never want her to stop making romantic comedies. I want her to continue producing and
From: email@example.comDate: Sept 20, 2011 2:28 pmTo: firstname.lastname@example.orgSubject: You Should Make ThisDear Katherine Heigl,Though we've never met, I feel as if I'm writing to an old friend or family member. In fact, we share so much in common,from high cheekbones to enchanting eyes,that you could easily be my sister separated at birth. The kind of sister I would feel OK about kissing if it came down to it. Obviously I'd make sure it was something you felt good about first, I wouldn't just force it on you, that's not my style. But if we both felt mutually inclined to kiss at, say, a fancy dinner or under some fireworks, then I wouldn't spoil that moment just because a couple nurses somewhere made a mistake once. How could that be our fault? In fact, I'd feel better about this whole mess if we just agreed right now that we're still going to kiss each other, whether we find out we're siblings or not. Cool? Good, I'm glad it's not a big deal for you either. You see, we even think alike. Now down to business. I am a big fan of your work both on television and film and I feel like I've developed a solid grasp on the types of characters you enjoy playing. I also know that you are producing your next movie,
From: email@example.comDate: Sept 21, 2011 3:03 pmTo: firstname.lastname@example.orgSubject: RE: You Should Make ThisYou've got the wrong Katherine. This happens a lot to me. But I did work in a library once.
From: email@example.comDate: Sept 21, 2011 4:56 pmTo: firstname.lastname@example.orgSubject: RE:You Should Make ThisDear Katherine Heigl,If you didn't like it, you can just say so. I'm not married to using Kendra for it if that's the problem. She could have any name and she could be really empowered instead of book-smart and shy. If it's the whole premise you don't like, that's fine too. I originally imagined it as Anna Faris anyway. I have several more that I think are perfect for you. For instance, I know you like animals, so if you will, picture this:Working Title:
From: email@example.comDate: Sept 24, 2011 12:11 pmTo: firstname.lastname@example.orgSubject: RE: You Should Make ThisDear Soren,You're not getting it. I'm not the Katherine Heigl you're looking for. There's more than one of us in the world. Shocker! I can't help you.
From: email@example.comDate: Sept 24, 2011 5:31 pmTo: firstname.lastname@example.orgSubject: RE:You Should Make ThisHi Katherine Heigl,How about a ski instructor that gets amnesia after crashing into a tree on Christmas and a handsome architect visiting for the holidays has to help her figure out who she is? Working title:
From: email@example.comDate: Sept 25, 2011 8:08 amTo: firstname.lastname@example.orgSubject: RE: You Should Make ThisSoren,You're joking right? You can't be serious. I already told you I'm not that Katherine. I don't even know where you got this email from.
From: email@example.comDate: Sept 25, 2011 10:22 amTo: firstname.lastname@example.orgSubject: RE:You Should Make ThisI was saving this one for our fourth or fifth movie together but here it is. I'll be honest, I really didn't anticipate you hating those other three. A happy-go-lucky Lucy works in a train station and sees the same handsome guy come through every day but never talks to him. One morning he falls on the tracks and she saves his life. Unfortunately, the fall puts him in a coma and she tells the hospital and his family that she is his girlfriend. The family believes it and everything is working out perfectly.Until one day, fate intervenes.She realizes his brother is a better person and she starts to fall in love with him instead. Together they start an affair that isn't really even an affair! In the end, everyone understands that they are supposed to be together.That's all yours now.Love,Soren P.S. I guessed this email address.
From: email@example.comDate: Oct 1, 2011 10:27 amTo: firstname.lastname@example.orgSubject: RE: You Should Make ThisThat's the plot of While You Were Sleeping. I think Katherine Heigl would know that. Pitching her a movie that already exists is stupid. Stop emailing me. Get a life.
From: email@example.comDate: Oct 2, 2011 7:38 pmTo: firstname.lastname@example.orgSubject: RE:You Should Make ThisDear Katherine,It's not the same. Mine would have aliens in it at one point. Also, it would take place in the summer. Do we have a deal?Your friend,Soren
From: email@example.comDate: Oct 3, 2011 8:13 amTo: firstname.lastname@example.orgSubject: RE: You Should Make ThisNo. There's no deal. You are a lunatic. Katherine Heigl would be crazy to make any of your stupid movies. She would probably have you arrested. STOP. EMAILING. ME. P.S. I googled you. You think you're some writer. Well you're not.
From: email@example.comDate: Oct 5, 2011 3:42 amTo: firstname.lastname@example.orgSubject: RE:You Should Make ThisIt's me again Katherine Heigl, I know you're mad but I really think you're going to like this one:Librarian Kathryn spends so much time with Byron and Joyce and Yeats that no man can hope to live up to her expectations of a boyfriend. She dates a little before giving it up completely and turning back to the romantics in the poetry stacks, accepting the idea that she will never find true love in the world.Until one day, fate intervenes. Notes start appearing in the margins of her favorite books. Notes to her! Or, at the very least, notes to a person with her exact same name. At first she erases them, furious that anyone would defile the works of masters, but soon she starts reading them and discovering that this person is a phenomenal author (despite what she first thought of him), writing his own stanzas between the poems she already loves. With some detective work, she catches the man when he returns to the library to write more and to see her. She confronts him about defiling books and instead of running he pushes her against the stacks then kisses her passionately. Finally, he whispers something in her ear something so beautiful and perfect that it makes her fall in love forever: it his true identity!From,Soren
From: email@example.comDate: Oct 5, 2011 8:06 amTo: firstname.lastname@example.orgSubject: RE: You Should Make ThisLet me guess. YOU?
From: email@example.comDate: Oct 5, 2011 2:01 pmTo: firstname.lastname@example.orgSubject: RE:You Should Make ThisNo. It's her brother.
From: email@example.comDate: Oct 5, 2011 5:13 pmTo: firstname.lastname@example.orgSubject: RE: You Should Make ThisWho is it? YOU?That's stupid.
You can follow Soren Bowie on twitter. Or, you can write him miserable emails at the address he didn't bother removing from this article.