Pirates XXX II: Pirates LX?
Any regular reader of my posts, or indeed even someone who just started reading them Monday (when I made a classic Maria Bello/Isabella Rossellini blunder that, I can guarantee you, will haunt my dreams), will be well aware of my predilection for the adult entertainment feature extravaganza, Pirates XXX.
Friends—and I call you friends because very soon we will be sharing erections and/or moist labia together—I bear incredible news. NOT ONLY is Pirates XXX to receive a sequel, but a trailer has been released on-line.
But wait! Hold that orgasm! O’Briens, put your weirdly shaped dicks back in your unfashionable pants. This is a teaser trailer, without a scrap of porno in it. No, not even a single pirate booby.
Which is exactly why Pirates XXX is the greatest adult film franchise ever made. And it is a franchise; they’ve got the movie, a soundtrack CD, a novelization in progress (written by yours truly), and the opening of Pirates XXX-World in Orlando is sure to crush Disneyworld come July.
The secret to their success is simple: they know that we’re bored with traditional pornography, where a thin, snake-related plotline leads to immediate fucking. We discerning, jaded, viewers want production value and story!
Sure, there’s some filthy strumpet-pumping and bilge-jamming in there, but it’s all to serve the greater arc about the search for a magical staff or somesuch (to be honest, I’ve never gotten all the way through the film).
Okay, without further gushing (pun unintended, but





When not blogging for Cracked, Michael desperately hopes that someone gets the joke in the post title as Head Writer and Co-Founder of Those Aren't Muskets!