The Vatican updated their list of the Seven Deadly Sins yesterday, adding seven new sins of the modern age. These include polluting, genetic engineering, possessing obscene riches, taking drugs, abortion, pedophilia and causing social injustice. I guess this is the Vatican's way of trying to stay relevant in a changing world, although I can't help but note that they remain some distance back from the bleeding edge of sin, given their refusal to condemn Sharking.
Any time the Catholic Church expands upon one of their cornerstones like it was a game of Pokemon, there's comedic potential. That this publicity stunt already took the form of a list is blissful serendipity for someone who regularly writes for Cracked. It was for these reasons, and also because no-one asked for it, that I now happily provide my thoughts on this revised list of sins:
Polluting: I like this one. This is probably the most relevant thing the Catholic Church has done in the last few years. Whether it makes any difference in the world or not is another thing entirely - Catholics don't wield as much political power as they did back in the good old days. Still, this is a sight more impressive than the Zoroastrians coming out against pollution.
Genetic Engineering: This feels unusually specific. I guess it's the Pope's way of playing divide and conquer, and only trying to attack "bad science." The old theological discussion about whether science is a blessing or curse keeps stumbling on the fact that science has provided the world with many beneficial things, like refrigeration, or the lever. By declaring genetic engineering to be a sin, the Pope is trying to lump it in a category with all the bad science, like nuclear weapons, or the inclined plane.
Possessing Obscene Riches: This is a nice broad way of acknowledging that people with a lot of money are probably fuckers, but avoids naming a specific number, which would necessitate time-consuming audits that todays clergy are ill-equipped to handle.
Taking Drugs: Oh Pope. You used to be cool man.
Abortion: Oh Pope. You used to be cool man.
Pedophilia: Wasn't this covered by like a half dozen other deadly sins? Was there seriously any Catholics out there who thought it was ok before this?
Causing social injustice: This feels unnecessarily broad. It covers everything from genocide to racial cleansing to farting on the bus. Won't it be confusing sorting out why people go to hell, and who they have to share rooms with? Is Pol Pot there because of that whole killing fields thing, or because of his famous love of Tex-Mex cuisine?
Chris Bucholz is a writer and a robot. His personal blog, robotmantheblog.com contains a great deal of other humor articles, all of dubious quality and taste.