My Failed Attempt to Return a Broken 'Comfort Wipe'
CSR: ... Do you want me to process this return for you, sir?CALLER: Yes, please do.CSR: Well, so long as the product is unused, I think we can work something out.CALLER: Oh I used it. I thought I'd show her how to use it before she gave up on the whole idea, and well, that just made things worse.CSR: I'm sorry sir? You said you used it? I thought it was in its original packaging.CALLER: It is. I put it back in the original packaging afterward.CSR: OK, but once it's out of the original packaging, we can no longer accept it.CALLER: Ok, but I didn't "use it," use it. If you know what I mean. It was a dry run I guess. Is that a term? Do you use that term in the industry? That's what I'd like to call it. I can explain what I mean if you want.CSR: Please don't. And it really makes no difference sir once it's out of the original packaging.CALLER: And I washed it afterwards. Obviously.CSR: Again, no amount of washing will be acceptable.CALLER: Well this puts us in a bit of a pickle, doesn't it?CSR: I'm sorry, sir. Is there anything else I can help you with?CALLER: Yes there is. You work in a little call center there, right? How many people would you say work there with you on the Comfort Wipe product?CSR: There's four of us sir, but we handle all sorts of different products...CALLER:
CALLER: I'm trying to explain. I have to take the bus everywhere now because my girlfriend owns the car, and while "we're rethinking things" I'm stuck without a ride. Anyways, the bus is just full of people, right, but not good people like you or me. Nasty people. And I was waving around my Comfort Wand on the bus so people would give me a little more personal space. So no ass-play at all! Honest! Steven would I lie to you?CSR: Sir...CALLER: After all we've been through Steven, would I lie to you about ass-play?CSR: ...How did it get broken sir?CALLER: The bus driver told me to get off the bus. So I bent over and was rubbing it on my ass, over my pants though, so we're still good, and I'm all like "ooh, what you gonna do?" And then he kicked me right in the ass, and it got in the way and broke.CSR: Sir, that's not a valid reason for a refund. It's not a manufacturing fault, that's deliberate misuse.CALLER: But none of it got on my ass! None at all Steven! After I fell down, one guy put one of the pieces in my mouth, but that's it!CSR: Jesus Christ sir.
CSR: You're going to stick a never-ending stream of things up your ass because you want your 20 bucks refunded? Are you insane?CALLER: I WRITE COMEDY ON THE INTERNET. YOUR MIND WOULD SHATTER IF YOU SAW ONE THOUSANDTH OF THE THINGS I HAVE SEEN.CSR: -Five second pause- Let me get my manager.TELEBRANDS MANAGER: Hello sir? This is Michael, the manager here. I understand you have something up your ass?CALLER: Michael, I am an honest man who has gotten caught up in the high stakes world of telecommerce, and now I'm in too deep. The only way I know how to get out is by sticking things in my ass, but it would seem that is no longer enough. I need your help.TELEBRANDS MANAGER: Sir, I'm going to authorize my staff to give you a full refund.CALLER: Michael, you're a gentleman and a scholar.TELEBRANDS MANAGER: I'm doing this on one condition however, Mr. Bucholz: that you stop harassing my staff. If you ever call this number, or make any conduct with TeleBrands again, I will alert the authorities.CALLER: I promise that you will hear nary a peep from any of my orifices again sir.TELEBRANDS MANAGER: -unintelligible- That's great. Have a nice day, Mr. Bucholz.____