My Failed Attempt to Return a Broken 'Comfort Wipe'

If you haven't seen the Comfort Wipe yet on your television or Internet machine, feel free to click on any of these words for more information. For the click-impaired, a quick synopsis: It's a little grabby-arm used for wiping your ass. The ads claim proudly that it's great for old people and "big guys" and is the first major advancement in wiping your ass since the 1880s (I'm not making that up).

I am honestly a little suspicious that it it's a real product. However, please don't let the fact that this may not be a real product negatively affect your enjoyment of the following tale of my attempts to return one, which I can assure you is not fictional in any way.

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CALL CENTER LOG: 06/14/09 11:34 CST

TELEBRANDS CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: TeleBrands, this is Marci speaking, how may I help you?

CALLER: Hi, uh, Marci. I need to return a product I ordered.

CSR: All right, sir. Do you have the order number with you? It should be on the invoice that was shipped with the product.

CALLER: Yup, just give me a second. OK, got it. It's A662-BN2453-02334.

CSR: OK, I'll just pull that up on the computer for you. This is Chris?

CALLER: Yes! That's me.

CSR: And I see you ordered a Comfort Wipe package. We actually don't allow returns for that particular product.

CALLER: Why not?

CSR: Well it doesn't say here, but I'm guessing for hygiene reasons? We really have no facilities for handling used Comfort Wipes.

CALLER: Oh, I get it. Yeah, I don't know what I'd do with a bunch of those either. You'd need like a hazmat team and a priest, huh? OK. Well this one is still in the original packaging if that helps.

CSR: Oh. OK. Yes, I think that does. OK, can I ask why you're returning it?

CALLER: It was a gift for someone who has requested to no longer receive gifts from me.

CSR: I see, all r...

CALLER: It was an anniversary present. Or, was going to be an anniversary present. Not any more. So on the plus side, no more anniversary presents!

CSR: Yes, I think I can see why.

CALLER: Also on the plus side, no more anniversaries!

CSR: Uhhh...

CALLER: I'm just having fun with you. Seriously, I've made a horrible mistake here. This is a real bad scene I've got myself into.

CSR: I'll bet.

CALLER: Look, OK? She thought

Snuggies were hilarious, and I was all like "It's a Snuggie for your butt," but that didn't really sway her. I grant you permission to use that for your ads, incidentally.

CSR: I don't really have anything to do with that sir.

CALLER: That's OK. I'm not concerned. It felt kind of stupid when I was saying it, but maybe if you got someone with a really dignified voice? Wilford Brimley, I'm thinking.

CSR: ... Do you want me to process this return for you, sir?

CALLER: Yes, please do.

CSR: Well, so long as the product is unused, I think we can work something out.

CALLER: Oh I used it. I thought I'd show her how to use it before she gave up on the whole idea, and well, that just made things worse.

CSR: I'm sorry sir? You said you used it? I thought it was in its original packaging.

CALLER: It is. I put it back in the original packaging afterward.

CSR: OK, but once it's out of the original packaging, we can no longer accept it.

CALLER: Ok, but I didn't "use it," use it. If you know what I mean. It was a dry run I guess. Is that a term? Do you use that term in the industry? That's what I'd like to call it. I can explain what I mean if you want.

CSR: Please don't. And it really makes no difference sir once it's out of the original packaging.

CALLER: And I washed it afterwards. Obviously.

CSR: Again, no amount of washing will be acceptable.

CALLER: Well this puts us in a bit of a pickle, doesn't it?

CSR: I'm sorry, sir. Is there anything else I can help you with?

CALLER: Yes there is. You work in a little call center there, right? How many people would you say work there with you on the Comfort Wipe product?

CSR: There's four of us sir, but we handle all sorts of different products...

CALLER: