If 'Twilight' Was About Dragons (And Contained More Fisting)
Well folks, it finally happened. I sold a book to Harlequin Book Publishers' brand new imprint, Harlequin Teens. Without giving too much away, it's really a perfect fit for the Teens branch of Harlequin which, according to Harlequin, is designed solely to print books "specifically developed for readers of Twilight." Yes. An imprint was created strictly to write more books like Twilight, as sales of adult books are down and sales of teen romance novels infused with supernatural elements are way, way up because adults are all switching over to these teen books. I know what you're thinking, and I know that nothing about my entire body would suggest that I'm even vaguely interested in Teen Fiction, but the fact is I've been wanting to write one of these Magical-Softcore-Pseudoporn books for a long time, for reasons completely unrelated to the fact that the book industry as a whole is dying and books like
Bonnie accepts Theo for who he is and Theo appreciates how unobtrusive and malleable Bonnie is. Together, and against the wishes of Bonnie's parents, they get into some pretty graphic dragon-fucking, and it's a little bit weird, but beautiful if you just open your mind. Eventually Theo has to leave the town (I forget why) and Bonnie goes along with him and abandons her family (because if there's anything Twilight tell us, it's that chicks love sitting passively on the sidelines while violent, mysterious men make absolutely every important decision for them). There's maybe a hunt at some point but otherwise most of the tail end of the book is more
Theo walked slowly, yet purposefully down the halls of the school. In many ways, Theo was somewhat of a paradox, a contained contradiction; he stalked the halls with an ambivalent carelessness, seemingly ignoring the whole of the world around him, and yet he carried himself, somehow with a total natural awareness of his surroundings. When you saw him, you felt as if he couldn't be reached, as if he was so enveloped in his own world that he couldn't possibly notice you, but still, he knew somehow precisely where you were and what you were doing and, in Bonita's case, what she was doing was staring directly at him.
"Keep dreaming, Bonnie," Bonita's friend said. Bonita had never had a nickname before. She reacted with indifference. "Theo doesn't date anybody. He's out of everyone's league. See you in class." She's not in the book anymore. While Bonita's friend walked off in a direction, Bonita continued to watch the mysterious and mysterious Theo. She still couldn't quite put her finger on what exactly it was that separated Theo from the other boys, even as she sat watching him blast fire from his gaping mouth. She sat there emotionlessly, drool trickling down her chin, watching Theo for a little while longer. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, but probably wasn't, Theo approached her, his horns pointing out like dongs atop his head, and his dong, confident and powerful, protruding from his dong-region like a massive horn. "You must be Bonita," Theo said, his voice low and warm, and with just a hint of mischief. He sounded the way that drives girls crazy, like an American Idol or an iPod or whatever. His eyes, the color of coals (black), seemed to be staring directly into Bonita's soul. A warming chill sent sweaty shivers up Bonita's spine. "I am," Bonita said, registering neither shock nor joy at the realization that Theo knew her name. "I was about to go to lunch," Theo whispered, his pointed dragon teeth looking like a bunch of finely sharpened dongs. "Are you hungry?" "No."
Chapters: Prologue: I'm Making Up My Own Rules About Dragons So Go To Hell 1. The Road to Colorado 2. The First Day of School 3. Meeting Theo 4. Theo Has a Secret! 5. He's a Dragon, Is the Secret 6. Inside Theo's Tower 7. Seeing An Angel 8. Getting All Up In That Angel 9. Young Hearts 10. Wise Beyond Her Age 11. No One is Too Young For Love 12. Dragon Years (Are Like Accelerated Human Years, So It's OK) 13. The Age-Related Laws When it Comes to Sex Are Completely Arbitrary, When You Think About It 14. What Does "Consent" Even Mean? Consent From Whom? The Law Is Not Clear 15. The Second Day of School 16. Thug Life 17. Trouble (In Paradise) 18. A Restless Passion 19. Fisting (In Paradise) 20. The Cullens - 21. The Chapter With the Fighting 22. Theo's Swollen, Throbbing Boathouse- 23. Epilogue: The Lessons Dragons Teach Us
I'll be at Comic-Con all weekend alternately reporting on the events and trolling for nerd ass. Follow my adventures on Twitter and, if you're in San Diego, bail me out of prison.