Monkey Prostitution: 5 Insane, REAL Animal Sex Studies

Orbach fond a way to harvest parts from dolphins that had died from natural causes -- whole penises and vaginas, specifically. Then, as God shrieked in the background, she would blow that stuff up like NSFW meat balloons and start playing Squish 'n' Smash. A few CT scans later, and she had a fairly accurate model of dolphin sex and the hypothesis that females have the ability to actually redirect a dong internally so as to effectively choose paternity after the fact. Regret sleeping with a guy mid-coitus, you adorable porpoise? No problem! Just send his wang down a dead end street.

So who cares, right? Well, that depends on your opinions and basic humanity. Dolphins and other cetacean life are very much at risk pretty much all the time. Numerous whale species are endangered, and pollution, changing ocean temperatures, and Aquaman are all factors that need to be considered in how we can conserve these species in the wild. And of course, understanding the way they breed is paramount in helping keep any species alive. So is the research important? Not if you're some soulless monster who doesn't care about ocean life. You're not one of those, are you?

Sand fleas are all over beaches in South America, Africa, and various tropical islands. The little shits wait for you to roll up with your beach gear, and then they hop on your foot and just dig right in like a grave robber looking for Grandma's brooch. They'll suck your blood over several weeks as they bloat to a few times their normal size, all in preparation for the eggs that they're laying right in the buffet that is your foot. Gross. Slightly erotic, but gross.

The problem with sand fleas, aside from the obvious, is that they spread disease. They can cause something called tungiasis, which can lead to painful, deformed feet. And since the only way to get rid of the fleas is to dig them out, you risk some kind of secondary infection, like tetanus or foot holes (which isn't a disease as much as it's just holes in your damn foot). You don't want that shit.

Lucky for sand flea victims, a PhD med student happened to be studying the fleas in Madagascar when she got infected herself. Rather than treat it or just cry a lot and drink herself to sleep like I would, she decided to foster the little monsters. Up to that point, the life cycle of the flea was pretty unclear. Were they pregnant before they latched on, or did they get pregnant by using a person's foot as a brothel and boning deep inside? Just so deep inside that foot of yours. Oooooh.

This particular flea in this particular foot managed to outlast a typical infection and never laid any eggs, leading the researcher to believe it had never been fertilized. This means that they normally do have that dirty foot sex, and this one missed the boat because it was being so closely monitored. Knowing when and how sand fleas get their hump on means knowing more about the disease you're trying to prevent in places where infection rates reach as high as 50 percent, meaning literally half of everyone who may go near sand in some of these countries is getting infected. All because sand fleas like doin' it on us more than anything. That's fucked.

Does monkey prostitution benefit mankind in any way? Shame on you for asking. But this study did shed some light on the nature of loss aversion, showing that it extends beyond human psychology and is innate to our understanding of the value of things like Jell-O and a refreshing afternoon hump. All that from grapes and sweet, sweet monkey ass. And by that, I mean sweet to other monkeys, of course. I mean, obviously. Obviously, guys. Don't go there.

In order to make things easier on the turtles that don't want their pants coming off, one Australian researcher has made his country proud by devising a genius method of getting to the bottom of things: the humble vibrator. Like most men, a male turtle is utterly incapable of not getting a big flubbery one when presented with some serious vibrations below the equator. So if you get super friendly with the little fella and wait ten minutes, you're going to have your answer. Why ten minutes? Because if nothing pops free after that amount of time, it's not a man-turtle, it's a lady turtle. And she probably wants you to stop buzzing her damn shell.

Aside from showing a turtle a good time, this method greatly speeds up the process of identifying turtles, which is of great assistance if you're interested in breeding programs to help preserve critically endangered species. Knowing who's a boy and who's a girl is pretty much step one in the majestic, subtle dance of turtle lovemaking.

You go ahead and read that again. That poetry isn't mine, I can't take any credit. That's Damian Jacob Sendler from the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Lublin Medical School. He wrote a scholarly paper, in the medical field, that has "butt-fisted" in the title. My heart swells.

There's nothing particularly coy about the title of the paper, as it cuts to the meat of the issue, as it were, and leaves it all on the table. This guy compared the butts of people who had been fisted with the butts of people who'd had sex with animals -- or at least, the medical records of said butts. And hold on to your own butt, because you may be surprised to learn that the butts in question all had similar trauma. That's what happens when you go nutty in the butty. Heh.

So without making you endure the details of the full paper, which I did read and will now carry with me for the rest of my life because I don't know how to un-know things, I'll summarize the key points that make it a winner in the fields of science and butt. Four separate patients were evaluated after having animal sex. All kind of ruined their butts, to varying degree. The butt ruination was pretty similar to the butt ruination you may receive if someone were to put their hand in your butt, as indicated by someone else's study. Knowing this, we can conclude that there are some basic similarities between all butt injuries which result from having a thing in your butt that should not be in there. These are different than the injuries you may receive if this happened non-consensually.

And that, ostensibly, was the point. You can do all kinds of wacky shit to your backdoor, but it's going to be medically different from what happens when someone does it against your will, and that may help doctors more easily diagnose cases of abuse vs. cases of just really weird consensual sex. Yay, science! Yay, butts!

Follow Ian on Twitter, where he might be talking about butt-fisting. Right. Now.

For real, protect yourself from horrible sand flea demons!!

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