3

Monkey Prostitution

I would say I am a supporter of sex work, insofar as I believe anyone should be free to choose that path if they want to, and I've argued that before. I also support monkeys in literally every form they take -- even the weird ones like the proboscis monkeys, which look like that have ballsacks for noses. So when I heard researchers introduced the concept of money and commerce to capuchin monkeys, and then monkey prostitution started up, I'm not telling tales out of school when I say I was tickled pink. Ballsack pink

In a joint study conducted by an economist and a psychologist, hilariously small monkeys were given metal coins with holes drilled in them, something no monkey should place any value on in a normal world. But they then taught those monkeys that if they kept the coins, they could trade them for things like Jell-O and grapes and fidget spinners or whatever the fuck monkeys want to buy these days. Once they understood the concept, the monkeys were perfect little capitalists, buying shit they didn't need and stealing coins when they saw the chance, doing what people do when they find out commerce is sitting right on their little monkey faces. And who can blame them. Jell-O, guys.

2

Turtle Vibrators

I used to have a turtle when I was a kid, because of course I did, so this is right in my wheelhouse. That and the fact that I've written articles about sex toys more often than I've signed my own name. Anyway, did you know that according to research, the U.S. market for vibrators is worth over $1 billion? And over 52 percent of women admit to using a vibrator in some fashion? And that's just the women, to say nothing of dudes who may be using them. Or turtles, apparently.

Let's go back a few steps before leaping full-on into turtles that use sex toys and ask a question I'm sure we've all wondered at one point in time: How do you tell a boy turtle from a girl turtle? If one refuses to wear pink jumpers and the other won't watch Vin Diesel movies, then you're in a bit of a bind, as turtles keep their junk close to the chest. How close? They keep that shit inside a shell. Some species allow for easy identification based on claw shape or shell patterns or color of their cool ninja masks. Others are a little sneaky, and that means that to study them, you may have to actually open them up surgically to determine what you're dealing with. Imagine someone trying to figure out what's in your pants, so they cut them off you. Well, I mean, you can go to clubs where you don't need to imagine that, but who has the time?

In order to make things easier on the turtles that don't want their pants coming off, one Australian researcher has made his country proud by devising a genius method of getting to the bottom of things: the humble vibrator. Like most men, a male turtle is utterly incapable of not getting a big flubbery one when presented with some serious vibrations below the equator. So if you get super friendly with the little fella and wait ten minutes, you're going to have your answer. Why ten minutes? Because if nothing pops free after that amount of time, it's not a man-turtle, it's a lady turtle. And she probably wants you to stop buzzing her damn shell.

1

Fisting As Compared To Animal Sex

I'm no scientist, by any means. I took chemistry in high school, and if you gave me a few minutes, I could use the word "molarity" in a semi-coherent sentence, but that's as far as my lab coat skills go. So I probably don't have the required tools to fully understand the deep meaning of a study called "Similar mechanisms of traumatic rectal injuries in patients who had anal sex with animals to those who were butt-fisted by a human sexual partner."

You go ahead and read that again. That poetry isn't mine, I can't take any credit. That's Damian Jacob Sendler from the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Lublin Medical School. He wrote a scholarly paper, in the medical field, that has "butt-fisted" in the title. My heart swells.

There's nothing particularly coy about the title of the paper, as it cuts to the meat of the issue, as it were, and leaves it all on the table. This guy compared the butts of people who had been fisted with the butts of people who'd had sex with animals -- or at least, the medical records of said butts. And hold on to your own butt, because you may be surprised to learn that the butts in question all had similar trauma. That's what happens when you go nutty in the butty. Heh.

So without making you endure the details of the full paper, which I did read and will now carry with me for the rest of my life because I don't know how to un-know things, I'll summarize the key points that make it a winner in the fields of science and butt. Four separate patients were evaluated after having animal sex. All kind of ruined their butts, to varying degree. The butt ruination was pretty similar to the butt ruination you may receive if someone were to put their hand in your butt, as indicated by someone else's study. Knowing this, we can conclude that there are some basic similarities between all butt injuries which result from having a thing in your butt that should not be in there. These are different than the injuries you may receive if this happened non-consensually.

And that, ostensibly, was the point. You can do all kinds of wacky shit to your backdoor, but it's going to be medically different from what happens when someone does it against your will, and that may help doctors more easily diagnose cases of abuse vs. cases of just really weird consensual sex. Yay, science! Yay, butts!

Follow Ian on Twitter, where he might be talking about butt-fisting. Right. Now.

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