Outside of dolphins, the occasional horny monkey, and us, Mother Nature's creations get their sex on because instinct tells them to. So you would think it's a simple matter of looking around until you find a mate (any will do) and then making the babies, right?
Yeah, no. Turns out animals resort to some mighty creative methods when getting their freak on. Methods that, in many cases, mimic our behavior to a T. No matter what kind of shit you've pulled in the name of gettin' it on, chances are something much lower on the food chain does the exact same thing. For instance ...
#6. Goats Are Turned on by Lesbian Porn
Homosexual behavior is nothing new in the animal world, and plenty of animals partake of it. But as far as we know, only two species will have a pair of females get it on so the males can watch and get aroused: us, and goats.
Appropriate, since "lesbian" and "goat" are two of porn's top five search terms.
Yes, male goats love to watch a female goat get it on with another female, even if her beard is manlier than his. In most cases, it can turn him on so much that he wants to jump in and mate for real -- that is, in fact, the point. Unless, of course, the females kick him out because they've grown to like each other too much.
Lesbian goat sex, however, is not so much a hobby as it is a last resort. Much like an open marriage where a second woman is brought in to spice up the bedroom, a female goat will hump another female only if the male shows no interest in mating otherwise. Then she'll approach another female, and after probably coyly talking about how she's totally never done this before, they start mounting each other. A male will come running soon after.
Instead of viewing that, look at some horny goat weed, which is approximately the same thing.
And that's when things start to get freaky: Goat sex involves a boatload of urolagnia, which is the fancy-schmancy term for getting turned on by pee. She will piss all over the place in the hopes that the male will stick his head under the hot yellow stream, open his mouth, and soak it all up like a kinky little sponge. At that point, it is on.
And no, it doesn't work the other way; if the female just wants to laze around and watch Baa or No Baa, the male goat won't fuck another male until she gets the point. Even if she requests it, he would probably just laugh and bleat about how he's totally not gay.
#5. Guppies Use Ugly Friends to Look More Attractive
It's a common, albeit shallow practice of ours to hang around with people fatter, uglier, smellier, or greasier than us. Not because we're good people and want to be friends with everybody, but because we look like supermodels when standing next to that anthropomorphic garbage heap we call our buddy.
Well, it seems that shallowness is duplicated in, of all places, the guppy world. Like many animals, female guppies are drawn to the brightest-colored males when searching for mates. It's simple evolution, really: The prettiest and flashiest are almost always deemed the strongest and most fertile, so they get all the sweet sweet loving. Meanwhile, the drab and dull are left to sit at home and gawk at porn, their ass-ugly genes successfully prevented from spreading like the virus they are.
Per Harald Olsen/Wikimedia
"Whatcha doin' tonight?"
But scientists noted that the duller-looking guppies were getting laid almost as often as their gorgeous peers. Were the females that desperate and simply settling for the first fish that didn't make them vomit up their algae? Did the males have that great a personality? Were their daddies rich?
Nope, it turns out they found a group of males who were even more dull, and started hanging around them. They looked like brightly colored studs in comparison, and the ladies suddenly came a-runnin'. So if you thought you were clever shit for conveniently arranging a "guy's night out" with some toothless hobo who hadn't showered in six months, just know a bunch of fish had the same idea, thousands of years before you were ever regretfully conceived.
Although you could both compensate for your dullness just by wiggling your magnificent tail.
The fact that guppies do this is actually doubly interesting, since it shows a sense of self-awareness that most of God's creatures simply don't have. An ugly guppy actually knows he's ugly, drawing that conclusion based on how little tail he gets compared to the other guys. Once this revelation of hideousness sets in, he sets out to find dudes that are even bigger dog-faced losers than he and wins over the ladies that way. So if you ever come across a dull, almost transparent guppy or two, salute them for their continued efforts in fucking natural selection up the ass.
#4. Female Tasmanian Devils Practice BDSM, Shamelessly Play the Field
Sure, animals are animals -- there are lots of species where the male kills the shit out of the female (or vice versa) in the process of mating. But when we say that Tasmanian devils are into 50 Shades of Grey-style BDSM, we're telling you they do the kind of rough painful play humans do. It's controlled, it's initiated by the victim, and if it isn't rough enough, they don't get off.
But when they do get off, they whirl around like a tornado.
The female won't even consider a mate unless he proves his physical worth to her. But instead of going out and hunting or fighting other males, this involves beating the actual shit out of her -- biting, scratching, punching, kicking, throwing her against the wall -- the more violent he gets, the more she's turned on. If he fails to whale on her to her satisfaction, she'll turn the tables and beat the living piss out of him, before leaving to find a real man that can adequately pound her face into dust.
Their actual sex is almost as violent as the foreplay, lasting over an hour at a time, involving lots of biting and scratching, and repeating itself over and over again for two days. And, as is befitting a species that actively tries to murder one another as an aphrodisiac, there's no cuddling afterward; the exhausted male quickly falls asleep in front of his newfound baby mama.
Kathy Atkinson/OSF/National Geographic
As with humans, the most innocent-looking animals are secretly the kinkiest.
And then comes the cheatin'. Tasmanian she-devils want to ensure that they mate with the best possible male; therefore, she will typically go back to the store right after bringing home a whole bunch of groceries. While the male is snoozing, she will escape and repeat the fight-then-fuck process with other male devils. She will do this again and again until she's satisfied, or until she ends up on whatever the Tasmanian devil version of Jerry Springer is.
She-devils can carry up to four pups at a time, and (in a slight departure from how humans do things) each one can come from a completely different father. Their family reunions must be the most awkward things on the planet.