A 10th Grader Explains The Civil War To Donald Trump
Trump has just raised an incredibly important question that has somehow been overlooked by historians: "People don't realize, you know, the Civil War, if you think about it, why?" Honestly, we didn't have an answer, so we asked Maddison Klampenverb from the 10th grade for her take on the issue.
Hi. My name is Maddison, and I'm a sophomore at Laguna Creek High. (Goooo Spoonbills!) I'm vice-treasurer of the Lacrosse team and I'm, like, here to explain the Civil War to you? Yeah.
So the Civil War. Like, why? Right?? It's crazy. I mean, like, Americans fighting other Americans instead of Mexicans or English people. I feel like nobody's ever really just asked why, you know? The world would be so much better if there was less wars and stuff? Like, why couldn't Lincoln have been like, "Guys, seriously, chill." I feel like Lincoln was bad at his job. Couldn't he have just, like, given the South a Pepsi?
Anyways, apparently the North started war against the South because they owned people and that's bad and stuff, but why didn't they just, like, explain that to the South? Be like, "It's super uncool of you to be owning human beings and stuff, could you maybe like, not? Thaaanks."
There was, like, literally no reason to do a Civil War. Come on, people. Remember Andrew Jackson? He's on money. He's so cool and kind of hot in that, like, old dude who probs has syphilis way. He was super mad at the whole Civil War thing. He was, like, so friggin mad that he died 20 years before the Civil War because his brain, like, time-warp exploded from anger and it's like woah, chill dude, but yeah he totally died.
Anyways, Jackson was super pissed and stuff. Like, I mean, he owned a lot of slaves and I think killed some Native American people, but that was OK to do back then, because old-times people were stupid and murdery or something. But I feel like if Jackson was around during Lincoln times, he could of stopped the war. He'd be like, "Hey I'm Andrew Jackson!" and everyone would be like "Aaah a zombie!" Lol. But for serious, he could be all diplomatic, like that time I talked to Stephanie and told her to stop fighting with Tiffany (even though Tiffany is kind of a bitch lol). Andrew Jackson could have been all, "Hey South, I know you like owning slaves. I have a few hundred myself. But, you know, is it really worth fighting and stuff? War is super gross."
So there you go, that's what I would have done about the Civil War times. I hope you vote for me as vice-treasurer again this semester, because I'm good at it and if you vote for Tiffany she'll probably steal. Lol.
Maddison Klampenverb is a really cool teen and has so many followers on Twitter.