Ledger Wins! Jackman Ruins 'X-Men': An Oscar Recap
Brilliant directors, creative screenwriters, actors, actresses and various crew members work diligently, honing their crafts and perfecting their art all year for one reason and one reason only: So the Cracked Columnists can make fun of their movies...
5:00 PM PST-Alright, let's get things started with some sexy red carpet coverage. Finally. We've been waiting all year for an excuse to watch pretty people standing around and looking at things. If I'm not mistaken, last year, Gary Busey fondled Jenifer Garner, (possibly to settle some kind of "Which of us have a more comically giant mouth" contest), so we need some predictions on who is going to bring the crazy this year. I'm putting my money on Tim Gunn headbutting Nathan Lane, who may or may not actually attend.
5:05 PM PST-I'm laying money on Mickey Rourke to bring the most crazy. He already looks like he raped Don Johnson's suit. He's like the old-school version of Busey. There's just no way this night is ending without him biting somebody on the neck and howling atop the Kodak Theater, his silhouette contrasting dramatically with the full moon behind him as Joey Fatone's blood stains the pristine whiteness of his blazer.
5:10 PM PST-I know we're on the red carpet part of the show now, but I don't know if any of you caught Hugh Jackman giving Barbara Walters a lap dance at the end of her special. No joke. I don't know what was more disturbing: that or what's happening right now -- Tim Gunn gushing about Valentino's Oscar dresses.
5:15 PM PST-I've discovered that the ABC Oscar feed, labelled "LIVE NOW!" and advertised as a live feed of the Oscars, is in fact not. I have no idea if I'm watching anything pertinent.
5:23 PM PST-I know she's a terrific actress, and I think she's wonderful. But I'm so god damned sick of the whole Meryl Streep "thing." She's so gracious and elegant and sweet, I want to kick her in the throat. Also, she's the one person nominated for best actress with whom I don't want to have filthy motel room sex. I've been such a Richard Jenkins fan for such a long time. It's a shame he'll probably never be nominated for anything again.
5:28 PM PST-Look at all these amazing dresses. They are certainly made of fabric and colors. What the hell am I supposed to say about red carpet coverage that the baneful stare of Tim Gunn cannot communicate better? Wait was that the dad from Six Feet Under? What did he do this year? Is anybody else even seeing him, or is this just a hallucination to metaphorically illustrate my inner monologue regarding grief?
5:30 PM PST-BTW, I forgot to mention that I am drinking Jameson Irish Whiskey tonight and I continue to do so until Brockway gets funny. In other news, Tim Gunn told Marisa Tomei that while Mickey Rourke said he loves to see her with her clothes off, Tim Gunn loves to see her with her clothes on. For the life of me I just can't imagine what might account for that. And now the Oscars are about to start for realz .
5:35 PM PST-Okay, so ABC officially stands for "Astounding Bag of Cocks," because unless Sean Penn has been looping his movements for the last ten minutes, all I'm seeing are red carpet clips. So I've decided to rave blindly about the Oscars, pick fights with commenters, and harangue the other bloggers while I get increasingly drunk. This is not a drill. I will also provide status updates on my level of drunkenness and what is going on around me as I sit in a room alone without a working TV. For my first such post, I'd like to publicly thank Gladstone for introducing me to Kate Bush the other day with his post. I bought
5:40 PM PST-Okay, so Hugh Jackman was great hosting the Tony's, but this opening number is one of the worst things that's ever happened to the Oscars. I mean, granted, I still can't handle how much I want to have sex with Anne Hathaway right now, but otherwise this is retarded. Also, Jackman's making a joke about how he hasn't seen the Reader, a joke I made several weeks ago in a phoned in blog post.
5:45 PM PST-Wow, Jackman sang and acted like a douche. Who could've seen that one coming - the narcissist flailing about on stage first thing in the award ceremony. Was Andy Dick unavailable to host? What's he going to do next - start a breakdancing number when they memorialize Heath Ledger? I would still get sexually weird with you, because you are an excellent Wolverine, but god damn your handsome bastard face, regardless.
5:52 PM PST-I know Hugh Jackman is really talented and good looking, but do you think that was enough to keep him from being called "Huge Jackoff" all through high school? I was going to say yes, but after seeing that opening number, I'm just not sure. Oh, and Penelope Cruz just won best supporting actress. Personally, I didn't see that movie. I know she's supposed to be super hot and everything, but I can't help but notice how her face comes to a point much like a mouse's. And now she just said something in Spanish I don't understand, but which I assume was "G-Stone, please bring back HBN."
5:55 PM PST-In my fantasy mind-Oscars, they've sent a nice man out to assure everyone that the nominations of
6:00 PM PST-It's weird to me that they showed movie clips during the nominations for the scripts, but NO CLIPS during nominations for the acting. Wait, not weird. Stupid. I love the Oscars, but this is already one of the worst ceremonies I've ever seen. Meanwhile, I'm hoping Frost/Nixon wins adapted screenplay. Doubt was a carbon copy of the play, Benjamin Button raped the Fitzgerald story, and the reader was totally unseen by me.
6:05 PM PST-I know Steve Martin hasn't made a funny movie in decades, but I still found him utterly charming and Tina Fey, as always, looked like she needed to be taught a lesson
6:10 PM PST-First off, I have a headache so I've traded in my Jameson Irish Whiskey for Yeungling Lager, which I'm pleased to report you can get a case of 24 of for just 15 bucks at Costco. And, oh,
6:15 PM PST-I've gathered that Steve Martin is onstage nowabouts, and in my Oscars, this means he's playing the banjo at an amazing pace while reciting the screenplay of The Jerk. Drunk Status: My heart is relaxed and healthy, like steamed celery. Non-Oscar related activity of the moment: Watching a tape of last year's Oscars and flipping through a
6:22 PM PST-DARK KNIGHT!! DARK KNIGHT SHOULD WIN THIS AWARD! DARK KNIGHT SHOULD- Son of a bitch, Benjamin Button. I don't technically know what Art direction is, but I know that The Dark Knight did it louder and faster and better than Benjamin Button. WHy the fuck should they get this award? It's a movie set in New Orleans that they filmed in New Orleans. Gotham is a place that only exists in the comics and several personal disturbing sexual fantasies I'd rather not describe right now. This I'm sure will begin a trend of Benjamin Button winning awards it shouldn't win.
6:25 PM PST-They had Daniel Craig presenting with Sarah Jessica Parker? That's a little bit of a lopsided duo. You have James Bond up there looking like he's made out of tuxedos and tans, and then there's Parker who looks like somebody microwaved Barbara Streisand. I hope she has a beautiful personality, because right now, she has a muffin top on her breasts. Man, look at that! See how snarky and horrible I am? I should totally be on gay fashion TV, so my vitriol could be considered charming instead of misanthropic.
6:30 PM PST-So, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm getting a little buzzed. And now that Twilight guy is presenting. Man, he bugs me. OK, that's it -- they just showed a clip of
6:35 PM PST-Dear Lord. When they first pulled out the guns, I thought it was all some sort of joke or terrible "bit." I expected Jack Black to run out in a sumo diaper and take em out. But what they did to John Lasseter my -my God. The blood sprayed everywhere, and then there was just screaming, and running. Tears drip onto my keyboard as I struggle to type. It's really true; TERRORISTS HAVE TAKEN OVER THE MIND-OSCARS.
6:40 PM PST-Okay, with all the awards it isn't winning, it's looking less and less likely that Dark Knight is going to surprise everyone and win Best Picture despite not being formally nominated, (though I'm still pretty confident it'll happen somehow). Jessica Biel is talking, despite the fact that she's not wearing a dress so much as a pile of cloth. She also just credited Thomas Edison with something, and even though I wasn't paying attention to what she said, I want to make it clear that, whatever it was,
6:47 PM PST-My update time is just awesome this round: Long commercial break, segment about technical acknowledgments from Jessica Biel dressed like a birthday present for the Pillsbury Dough Boy, and another long commercial break. I'd like to take this opportunity to say: Swaim, I may be a piece of hateful crap, but I'm more like the piece of crap sitting right out there in the open. Dead center of sidewalk crap - that's me. You, sir? You cloak your shittiness in the guise of moral superiority. You are the crap beneath a leaf, that covers your shoe without you knowing it. Then you walk into your in-laws house and they're like, "what smells like crap?" And then you have to spend the rest of the night in your socks as your shitty shoes get stolen from the stoop by underprivileged youths.
6:52 PM PST-Nothing happened during my slot. I mean, I like that James Franco, Seth Rogan thing, but nothing to exciting to report on. OH! Now some German dude won an Oscar for best short film. He's dressed in a black tuxedo with a black shirt and a black bow-tie. He also has a shaved a head. Quick tip, German guy, but the rest of the world doesn't need any help visualizing a German as evil. Seriously, the accent does plenty already. It's overkill. Drunk status: I had a headache before I started drinking and now it's worse, but it's harder to type.
6:55 PM PST-Who would have thought Ben Stiller would have so much fight in him? The way he deboned that Al Qaeda lich-king right in the middle of his gibbering tirade. And then to just go on with the mind-Oscars like he
7:05 PM PST-It's like Hollywood thought they were running out of money, so they needed to re-do the ceremony but why, seriously, WHY would they try to make the ceremony more like the Tony awards? Broadway is losing money MUCH faster than Hollywood, Jesus, what are they gonna do next year? Handle the ceremony like it's an XFL game? This is miserable. Beyonce is singing "At Last," one of my all time favroite songs, and ruining it. I hate her.
7:05 PM PST-Seriously, I'm not even going to put any modifiers in here about how handsome he is, or what an awesome Wolverine Hugh Jackman was; he's a bigger desperate attention whore than Robin Williams. Was he entered in Beauty Pagaents as a child or something? What else could explain this holy shit look at me' clusterfuck? Speaking of Robin Williams, I would just like to say that if Heath Ledger doesn't win for Best Supporting Actor tonight, I am going to burn down Mr. Williams. That is not a typo. I am going to burn the man himself down to the fucking ground, because there is no way he gets to be "The Academy Award Winning Actor Robin Williams," while doing shit like Bicentennial Man, but Ledger goes unrecognized for the greatest portrayal of a villain in cinema. It is not a just and kind world if a guy that goes "*BEEP BOP BORP* What is this hu-mon love?" gets an Oscar while the guy that managedto school Jack Nicholson in the category of Scary Motherfuckers' gets nothing.
7:10 PM PST-Well, Heath Ledger won best supporting actor. I guess this wasn't a surprise. And not just because he's dead, but because he really was as great as the hype said he was. But also because he's dead. My favorite moment in his performance was when he one of the mafia thugs says "this guy's crazy" and Health just says, "I'm not." Gave me chills. My least favorite thing he did was crapping out on sleeping pills months later. DRUNK STATUS: During a commercial break I saw an ad for a Maytag washer where the voice over said "it can take on huge loads." And I giggled. That's how drunk.
7:15 PM PST-If you guys keep stealing all my posting ideas, you're going on the Brockway List. I'm the only one here qualified to report on the status of self-innebriation. I didn't spend a weekend at Beer School for nothing, assholes. Speaking of which,
7:20 PM PST-Hugh Jackman is seen stretching on the stage for no reason. If I wasn't so looking forward to getting arrested for masturbating during X Men Origins: Wolverine, then I'd admit how much I hated Hugh Jackman right now. This seems to be an Oscar montage about cars, which combines two things the Cracked Aduience doesn't care about, so I'm just gonna talk about my wiener. Wiener Status: It is awesome
7:25 PM PST-Hey! Holy shit, Ledger won! You hear that sound? That's the sound of a continent's worth of nerds taking their fingers off the trigger. So, what? Is there justice in the world now? Is that a thing that's happening? Hold on, I need to call my childhood nemesis Micah Giovanni and see if he's a bald, impotent wreck of a human being that works at a zoo masturbating tigers for their seed - then we'll know for sure. Also, Swaim: You know I only pretend to hate you to mask the deep, abiding love that permeates my every waking hour - wracking me with desperation and jealousy every moment we must be apart. And I only pretend toward that love in order to mask the even deeper, darker, soul-crushing spite I have for every breath you're allowed to take in this world. And beneath that hate? Some ambivalence, a little horniness, and I think some gassiness.
7:30 PM PST-Oh yay, here's Will Smith. He's just so nice. Look at that goatee. On another man, it might be intimidating. Hell, on a little girl it might be intimidating, but on Will, it's just one more thing to find adorable. So, Benjamin Button just won some technical award (yawn) except it sounded like "Ansom Williams" was thanked which was the name of the actor who played Potzie on Happy Days. Yeah, I never thought that would happen.
7:35 PM PST-My feed literally started just in time for me to hear the word "Heath Ledger is dead." It might have a bit of a delay. Although amidst the dropped frames, I'm pretty sure I saw a clip of a movie where people hefted a banner reading "Stop Killing the Black People." I didn't know causes could be that generic. I'm going to start the "Let's Do Good Things For A Change, Hey?" Foundation. Another funny side note is that this feed is British, so while you're watching slickly-produced commercials, I'm watching a bunch of gap-toothed AbFab crumpet-munchers go on about their
7:40 PM PST-Well, after a shit-ton of technical awards, I think I can speak for everyone when I say "The Dark Knight hasn't been mentioned enough and is Christian Bale even here?" They're doing some kind of tribute to Jerry Lewis now. I guess that's nice. Jerry Lewis was a bit before my time. I've seen some of his TV shows, but they never really resonated with me. For an alleged "comic legend," he relies to heavily on the visual gag of children with muscular dystrophy. Having very little else to say about Jerry Lewis, I'll move on to updates:
7:45 PM PST-I am neither French, nor a senior citizen, and therefore I do not give a flying fuck about Jerry Lewis. I know that he takes care of children, which is honorable, and that he calls people "fags" on TV, which is slightly less so. So onto unrelated things: Swaim: I want to fuck you like an animal. Like a cat, specifically. They have spiked penises, I am told, and only the act of making the sweetest of love to you with a blade-cock could accurately reflect the dichotomy of emotions I currently hold for you. Also, I really hope Micah Giovanni Google searches his own name at some point and comes here, hoping to find an ex-girlfriend wants him back in her life or something, only to realize that he's become comedy fodder for his particularly memorable childhood dickishness. If so, I would just like to say: Micah, you may have won the chicken-fight on the monkey-bars that day, but I bet everybody totally thought you were a pussy when you cried after I split blood all over your Pumas.
7:50 PM PST-I think Jerry Lewis just won the Jerry Lewis award for best portrayal of Jerry Lewis in a Jerry Lewis. Am I the only who thinks Jerry sucked down a whole bunch of X before receiving the Oscar? I haven't seen that much excessive chewing of invisible gum since Jack O'Brien showed up with glow sticks and pacifiers on "Fly your Freak Flag Day" at the Cracked offices. Drunk Status: Sobering up. Getting more
7:55 PM PST-I thought Jerry Lewis was dead. Which brings up an even more pertinent point: I thought Eddie Murphy was dead. Wasn't that giant stone head thing a funeral monument? > And jesus, enough with the Viva La Vida music. They've used Coldplay tracks for montages twice, and I've only been watching since I beat Iggy Koopa. I liked that album, but they already won the biggest Grammy. Let's give
8:00 PM PST-Okay, they're doing a montage of songs nominated. A lot of people are pissed that Springsteen's "Three Legged Dog" song hasn't been nominated, but I'm more shocked that the Dark Knight's "Creepy Violins Played by Razor Blades" theme isn't on this list. This entire night, really, has been a series of "Dark Knight wasn't nominated" moments for me. I guess it'll all be taken care of once Dark Knight wins Best Picture.
8:05 PM PST-So, was that a musical montage dedicated to ethnic diversity, or did the guy that looks like Neo from the Indian Matrix just old school rap-battle John Legend for the fate of the world? If so, I think Indian Neo won, so let's all get prepared to ride forty to a car in bullet-time! Also, one of the winners was named Ghoul Tsar. I'm sure he prefers to spell it differently, but come on, dude. You're not fooling anybody. You can't be an ordinary guy when your name is Ghoul Tsar. You're a supervillain who probably controls undead communists. Don't front.
8:10 PM PST-Best Foreign Language Film!!! YAY! I have seen 0 of these films, but I promise, whichever one wins I won't see that one either. Oh dear, the Japanese film,
8:15 PM PST-It just occurred to me that "Tally Ho" is a beautiful example of how Britain's brutal empire-building has impacted and guided the history, culture, and language of India. Right after I realized that, it cut back to the British hosts and I shook my fist at them. Then they said that song was actually called "Jai Ho" and I realized it's the touching story of a Bombay prostitute named Jai Jai Binks (for money). And I wept, my friends. Liam Neeson was so badass in
8:20 PM PST-Reese Witherspoon is wearing a stupid dress and honoring the Best Director. I haven't checked the nominations, but I think Christopher Nolan is a lock for this category. He did an amazing job with the humble story of a costumed vigilante and really spoke to the larger issues plaguing Darfur, (probably).
8:25 PM PST-I don't think Slumdog deserves to win, necessarily, but Boyle is a damn fine director. Working as a waiter in Nantucket one summer, I went to see a special screening of 28 Days Later in the only theater on the island. There were like 300 people there - all dickheads in pink popped collar Polos - and only later did I realize Boyle himself was attending. He gave a little speech before the movie about filmmaking, took some questions, and seemed like a nice guy overall. At the time, I was like "who the fuck is this guy? Get to the zombies, bitch." But man, after
8:30 PM PST-Well, it seems my posting time is gonna come due before they announce Best Actress, but I'm going to go out on a limb that the winner is the whichever actress saw Slumdog Millionaire the most times. I didn't see Kate in The Reader Revolutionary Road suck. Oh and look Halle Barry managed to find a dress that completely made her breasts disappear. Oh wait! They haven't disappeared. She apparently just loaned them to Sofia Loren. Good lord. She will be starring in my wetmares tonight.
8:35 PM PST-I'd like to first speak to my British friends from the comments section. Sirs, Ma'ams, Gov'ners, I beg your forgiveness. In my drunken rage I lashed out at your vapid television hosts, neglecting to realize that ours are equally vapid, and have less of an accent to cover it up. What horrendous monstrosity from your national cuisine should I eat as punishment? Fish and Vegemite? Bloody Dick? Crispy Puddlings? Just say the word and it's done. Jesus, the Best Actress nominee intros are so lavish: "Kate Winslet, I avert my putrid gaze from your brilliance, hoping that by saying I would rip my own heart out in order to watch a film of you acting for three seconds, I have not sullied your ears with my mortal words. I would be honored if you'd kick me in the ribs. Godspeed, my love. Here's a fifty." Man, Sophia Loren used to be so classy and beautiful that even now, with her face trussed up by steel cables, I'm mildly attracted to her.
8:40 PM PST-Okay, the Best Actor award is next. Mickey Rourke will probably win but, if he doesn't, Sean Penn will. Personally, I want Frank Langella to win, but he almost certainly will not. If you're wondering why I have so much time to riff on the idea of Best Actor, it's because the current ceremony is FUCKING RETARDED and has way too many clip shows.
8:45 PM PST-So Best Actor's up now, but Winslet just won for Best Actress and things need to be commented on: First and foremost, props to you for telling Streep to "suck it up." Next year, if she is nominated again as she doubtlessly will be, let's escalate this trend and gently inform her that she should "eat a dick." Second: You dad was rocking literally the sweetest top hat I've seen outside of Abraham Lincoln. Seriously, are you the daughter of turn-of-the-century Slash? Third: Richard Jenkins does not look pleased about Adrien Brody telling the audience to "Google him." Either he's confused about internet terminology and thinks he may have just been insulted by an uppity young fellow using that teenage slang, or else he's got some dark shit Google might turn up. Personally I think it's the latter. I am going to go Google Richard Jenkins now and will be severely disappointed if I do not find hours of bizarrely subtitled amateur pornography. Fourth: Ben Kingsley? Better in Gandhi. Finally: Jesus, Academy, Rourke's dog died and still nothing? I know Sean Penn fucked Madonna, and he's still got some pity coming toward him for that, but come on! Pour some of your 40 out for Loki, you heartless bastards.
8:50 PM PST-Wow, Mickey Rourke lost. Didn't see that one coming. But then again. If he had won, the world would have been deprived of Sean Penn's "commie, homo-loving sons of guns" joke. And it would have been a HUGE loss, because he told it twice. Y'know we're coming towards the end here and I would just like to commend Hugh Jackman for finally coming out. And he did it in a classy way too. Not by making an announcement revealing his true sexuality, but by purveying a truly gay awards show for four hours. And mind you, I don't mean "gay" as in lame, although yes, it was that too.
8:55 PM PST-The cowboy music for the Best Actor montage was kind of confusing, considering that as far as I know none of these five presenters was ever in a western. Is it a subtle hint that a De Niro/Douglas/Kingsley/Brody/Hopkins posse flick is upcoming? If so, I hope it's called "We're Too Old For This Shit, and There's a Fucking Cannibal Trying to Kill Us." The twist is,
FINAL THOUGHTSWell, it's the end of the ceremony. A whole lot of things that I wanted to win lost, I had more mystery wine and shoebox whiskey than is reasonable for a Sunday night, and I like Hugh Jackman a little bit less. I thought it was weird that they said "Slumdog Millionaire" when they really meant "Dark Knight." I mean, I liked Slumdog, but it was cruel to bring them up at the end, despite the fact that TDK won. Dev Patel's face is going to be
Represents number of wins for each film, and how much we gave a shit.
FINAL THOUGHTSGood god, it's over! That might've been a little rough to get through, but you know what? I think we've all learned a little something this year. We've learned that Indians win at drama, we've learned that comic books just got a little closer to legitimacy and all it took was sacrificing the life of a promising young man on the blood altar of Oscar the Golden One and, above all, we've learned that Hugh Jackman is an unbelievable narcissist who just loves to dance, and
FINAL THOUGHTSWell, things seem to winding down, because the other bloggers are spewing inane bullshit at a higher frequency, Kate Bush is singing "The Morning Fog," and I've broken out the opium pipe. All that's left is to point out that I was the funniest tonight, put on my soiling linens in case I get so high that I soil myself (they're brown, so they don't show), and meet Hugh Jackman in Dreamland. Everyone be sure to read my newest article, right here on the Cracked Humor Website, tomorrow morning. If you do, I promise your favorite movie will win next year.