4 Direct-to-DVD Van Damme Films That Will Explode Your Balls
Jean-Claude Van Damme is arguably our country's greatest president. He has a fight record of 4078-0 with 831 no contests due to Doing the Splits and Punching Balls. He gets a boner on international television every 46 hours, at precisely the same mathematical rate that humans are attacked by sharks, but science calls this "coincidence." He has crushed enough testicles to fill 14 oatmeal museums. Yet despite these impressive figures, our love affair with him has gone cold. For many years, America's only interaction with Van Damme has been when fat people collapse at exactly the right spot of Blockbuster video. The film
JCVD, his first theatrical release in many years, was like a heartfelt apology letter to us. He knows he's no angel. There was that movie with Dennis Rodman, some rough legal battles, drugs, a movie about exploding pants starring Rob Schneider... and just when he thought he had his shit together and was ready to patch things up, he saw us with Scary Movie 1, 2, 3 and 4. The point is, Jean-Claude can't take all the blame in this relationship. We've both made a lot of mistakes.
I've decided to go back to Jean-Claude, determined to make it work. But can his latest straight-to-DVD movies and I rekindle the spark we had back when he first dipped his fists in broken glass and it made me grow a beard? Or when he used the Dim Mak to explode a brick he wasn't even fucking touching and Dr. Karate appeared on my shoulder as a special friend only I could see? Or when every second of Hard Target made my girlfriend pregnant.
Before we start, the film secrets of Jean-Claude Van Damme are extremely dangerous in the wrong hands. Because of this, analysis of his film has to be carefully encoded. Please cut out these official JCVD data decoding funglasses out and apply them to your head. In fact, take out the word "please." If you don't do it, your eyes will only see a series of shapes that will tell your brain to die, so quit screwing around.
Now that you can gaze upon it without going mad, I will be using the standard Van Dammeter for each DVD. It's the standardized system I developed to measure the Van Dammajesty of any movie, except ones without Jean-Claude Van Damme in them. It's a scale from one to 10 that takes into consideration all of the important qualities of a picture. Naked, muscly ass with or without an excuse? Is the romantic lead a sassy female reporter? Is there a muddy fight in the rain, with everything on the line? And of course, splits. Other criteria are also taken into consideration but you'd have to wear five sets of goggles to even read a description of how complicated they are. I'm risking a lot with even how much I've said already.