4 Direct-to-DVD Van Damme Films That Will Explode Your Balls
Jean-Claude Van Damme is arguably our country's greatest president. He has a fight record of 4078-0 with 831 no contests due to Doing the Splits and Punching Balls. He gets a boner on international television every 46 hours, at precisely the same mathematical rate that humans are attacked by sharks, but science calls this "coincidence." He has crushed enough testicles to fill 14 oatmeal museums. Yet despite these impressive figures, our love affair with him has gone cold. For many years, America's only interaction with Van Damme has been when fat people collapse at exactly the right spot of Blockbuster video. The film JCVD, his first theatrical release in many years, was like a heartfelt apology letter to us. He knows he's no angel. There was that movie with Dennis Rodman, some rough legal battles, drugs, a movie about exploding pants starring Rob Schneider... and just when he thought he had his shit together and was ready to patch things up, he saw us with Scary Movie 1, 2, 3 and 4. The point is, Jean-Claude can't take all the blame in this relationship. We've both made a lot of mistakes. I've decided to go back to Jean-Claude, determined to make it work. But can his latest straight-to-DVD movies and I rekindle the spark we had back when he first dipped his fists in broken glass and it made me grow a beard? Or when he used the Dim Mak to explode a brick he wasn't even fucking touching and Dr. Karate appeared on my shoulder as a special friend only I could see? Or when every second of
Hard Target made my girlfriend pregnant.
Before we start, the film secrets of Jean-Claude Van Damme are extremely dangerous in the wrong hands. Because of this, analysis of his film has to be carefully encoded. Please cut out these official JCVD data decoding funglasses out and apply them to your head. In fact, take out the word "please." If you don't do it, your eyes will only see a series of shapes that will tell your brain to die, so quit screwing around.
Now that you can gaze upon it without going mad, I will be using the standard Van Dammeter for each DVD. It's the standardized system I developed to measure the Van Dammajesty of any movie, except ones without Jean-Claude Van Damme in them. It's a scale from one to 10 that takes into consideration all of the important qualities of a picture. Naked, muscly ass with or without an excuse? Is the romantic lead a sassy female reporter? Is there a muddy fight in the rain, with everything on the line? And of course, splits. Other criteria are also taken into consideration but you'd have to wear five sets of goggles to even read a description of how complicated they are. I'm risking a lot with even how much I've said already.
Imagine this: Nothing survives the apocalypse except for Jean-Claude Van Damme DVD boxes. All future communication and society would be based on the plotlines of his movies. That's the only, but valid, reason I invented this system to quickly categorize a JCVD plotline. All his plots fall into one of five funegories.
A: Revenge over a lost loved one drives Jean-Claude Van Damme into karate-filled circumstances.
B: On the run from the law, military or mafia, Van Damme flees to karate-filled circumstances.
C: Jean-Claude Van Damme is unwillingly involved in karate-filled circumstances by a second Jean-Claude Van Damme.
D: This movie is a rehashing of a different movie, only now it stars Jean-Claude Van Damme.
E: If the film’s plot is described by E, this simply indicates that it is profoundly insane.
Jean-Claude Van Damme as... Ben Archer, a bouncer who kicks ass first and talks never.
The Villain: Ben Archer's wife works for INS, and after finding a container filled with Chinese immigrants, she brings one home with her. Now, what she doesn't know is that this is the daughter of international criminal Sun Quan, played by Simon Yam (Naked Killer 2). You might not recognize that movie because it was also distributed with the title Legal Rape, and then again as Raped by an Angel. Then finally as just Super Rape. In the film industry, starring in a movie called three different kinds of rape is what's called "a triple threat."
Plot: Sometimes people in movies can do crazy things like train oil drillers to be astronauts or decide child custody cases through arm wrestling contests, and it's okay because movies are stupid. But in Wake of Death, the Super Rape of American cinema, there are realistic consequences to things as stupid as an immigration officer stealing an alien from her office. Within 30 minutes, Sun Quan kills Jean-Claude's wife. You know what that means, Sun Quan. Killing Jean-Claude's wife was your first mistake; not wearing a cup was your LAST mistake.