The Brutally Honest Version of Ant-Man Moviegoers Deserved
INT. S.H.I.E.L.D. HEADQUARTERS - 1989
MICHAEL DOUGLAS storms in to confront JOHN SLATTERY, HAYLEY ATWELL, and MARTIN DONOVAN.
Hello you fucking assholes. You S.H.I.E.L.D.-tards have been abusing my
magical shrinking potion, somehow. Or maybe you will in the future,
I don't really know. The point is, you can't anymore. I'm taking it.
And I'm magically deleting all the records of it so no one can ever use it again.
Slow the hell down there, Gordon Gecko. Heh, heh.
Gecko? Ants? Huh?
(because, crickets? Ants? Get it?)
Anyway, look, you can't just hide this from the world! You can
shrink organic matter! That's a game-changer!
Pfft, what possible applications could shrinking powers have?
Shipping and storage, for one. We could keep enough food to feed
Los Angeles in a manila envelope if we had your red shrinky juice. That's just
off the top of my head, and I'm going to develop Alzheimer's any minute now.
Screw you and the spinoff TV series you rode in on. I didn't invent this
shrinking formula just so it could fall into the wrong hands. Or any hands
for that matter. Science must never advance and everything should stay the same!
"Except for de-aging CG; no way I'm looking like Franken-Bridges from Tron: Legacy."
(does fuck-all for rest of movie)
MARVEL'S PATENTED HANDSOME FUNNY WHITE GUY GENERATOR spits out PAUL RUDD, GOOFY EX-CON with a CHECKERED PAST and a HEART OF GOLD. The soundtrack tries really hard to NOT play "Hooked On A Feeling" as he walks out of PRISON.
Hey, amigo! Nice to see you! You haven't changed a bit!
Yeah, even maximum-security prison couldn't take away these charms. How you doing?
That's hilarious. We should joke about that constantly.
So how's things with your daughter and your ex-wife and your ex-wife's new husband?
They love me, are friendly towards me, and are slightly suspicious of me,
respectively. Honestly, they're wayyy nicer to deadbeat, ex-con, hanger-on old
me than I have any right to expect. It feels more like I spent two weeks on
a business trip than three years of hard time.
So what now? You wanna commit some crimes together?
No. I'm straight edge now.
(works 10 seconds at Baskin-Robbins)
Fuck this, let's make crime happen.
PENA assembles his CRACK TEAM of HARDENED THUGS, T.I. and DAVID DASTMALCHIAN.
OK. Personalities. Go.
I'm black, homie.
Am Russian, comrade.
"Are your abilities movie stereotypes based off your ethnicities?"
Cool. Done. So whaddaya got for me?
Well, my cousin's ex-wife's personal trainer's cat's original owner's state
senator's second-favorite masseuse has assured me that there's some old guy
named Michael Douglas living in a decent-sized mansion on the other side of town.
He's gonna be on vacation for a week. We should hit the joint.
Do we know what's inside?
Do we know what security he has?
Fuck it. It's either this or Anchorman 3.
INT. DOUGLAS RESIDENCE
PAUL scoots on down to CASA DE DOUGLAS and breaks in SUPER EASILY.
Almost suspiciously easy. A hardened burglar such as myself might worry about
that, but more importantly, no he wouldn't. Now I'll just start stealing
these paintings off the walls, maybe snag some of that expensive china or
a flatscreen TV, and see if there is any jewelry in the OOH A SAFE!
I don't know, man. That safe's a century old and made from solid steel.
Wait a second ... steel. Steel is a metal ... and the Titanic was made of metal!
And the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg! And icebergs are made of ice!
PAUL drills into the safe and pours LIQUID NITROGEN inside, which then EXPANDS and EXPLODES the entire door, a trick which will sure come in handy when he gets his ICE POWERS. Inside he finds-
Aww, man. It's just a shitty knockoff Star Lord cosplay suit. It's even got
the same color scheme, the same goofy red-eyed helmet, the same leather motif.
I should really grab the microwave upstairs; I mean, it'll probably
pawn for more than this thing.
"Did we break into the Machine from 8mm's house?"
But PAUL takes the SUIT because he is an IDIOT. He goes home and TRIES IT ON in the SHOWER.
Nope, nothing weird about trying on an old man's leathery gimp suit that he
kept hidden in a safe. Oh look, buttons. I should push them. There's no chance
this thing still has any battery life left after years in stora- HOLY SHIT!
My God! I am become the tiny! This has incredible implications for
man's understanding of physics, spatial reality, biology, and
OH DEAR GOD NO MICHAEL PENA IS GETTING NAKED!
PAUL falls through the FLOORBOARDS and lands in a RAVE CLUB and gets KICKED AROUND LIKE A PINBALL until he FALLS INTO A DRAIN and gets WASHED ACROSS TOWN, and then he lands in NARNIA for a bit and gets chased by MICE before getting LAUNCHED into ORBIT and SMACKED AROUND by MARTIANS who punch him into a TUMBLE DRYER full of SEWING NEEDLES, which he BARELY ESCAPES before everyone realizes this MULTI-MILLION-DOLLAR BLOCKBUSTER ACTION FILM has essentially become a TOM AND JERRY CARTOON, so PAUL grows BIG AGAIN and is FINE.
Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope. Nope. This suit gets a big nope out
of nope. I should
sell it to HYDRA for a billion dollars return it to
the old guy I stole it from, who's probably realized it's missing by now.
He DOES and is CAUGHT instantly!
Who could have foreseen this?!
INT. DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Meanwhile, MICHAEL has taken a trip to his old BUSINESS that he hasn't been involved with in DECADES.
Ah, the old stomping grounds. I remember the good old days, back when we used
to develop amazing new technologies that I would never share with anyone
ever. Hello, daughter of mine.
Greetings, Mr. Douglas. You have exactly 34 seconds to espouse
fatherly love to me before my next meeting.
Jesus, you're distant. But that's just an act to cover that
we're secretly working together, right?
Just then, MARVEL'S PATENTED EVIL BALD WHITE GUY GENERATOR spits out COREY STOLL, villainous CEO with DADDY ISSUES toward MICHAEL.
"Please, hold your applause for developed villains like Loki ... and ... uh ..."
Douglas Co. has been taken over by me, Michael. Totally. You should probably
have Googled your own company sometime; these kinds of nasty surprises
can't be good for your heart.
COREY unveils his LATEST INVENTION to a group of GENERIC INVESTORS.
Now, I know what you're all thinking. We live in an age of wonders, where
Iron Men, Viking Gods, and whatever the fuck Vision is can swoop in out
of the aether and kick your ass on six different dimensions before you
have a chance to boost so much as one car radio. Well, worry no more,
potential supervillains! This "Yellowjacket" shrinking suit will allow you to be
small while doing general villainy, which should render you completely invisible
to anyone who doesn't have very good eyes! It also has tiny little lasers, which
are far more useful than big lasers somehow. It comes in generic CGI yellow.
GENERIC EVIL INVESTOR
Yeah, I'm just not seeing a percentage in shrinky powers. I mean, what's that
fight scene going to look like? It would just be one bad guy fighting
thin air while the tiny good guy zips around him exactly one pixel
wide. Not exactly a thrilling prospect.
I'm sorry you feel that way, Generic Evil Investor. Allow me to just follow you
into the restroom like a creeper and fucking murder you by shrinking you into a
little blob of organic jizz and flushing you down the toilet.
GENERIC EVIL INVESTOR
On second thought, I think I'd love a dumb Yellowjacket suit-
I am so smart.
PAUL sits around doing nothing in JAIL, when a bunch of ANTS come into his cell and give him the SHRINKY SUIT.
Ewww. Also, Yaaaay!
PAUL escapes by shrinking down and FLYING ACROSS TOWN on the back of a WINGED ANT that can apparently travel at SUPERSONIC SPEEDS. He gets to MICHAEL'S HOUSE.
"Hey, do we have time to stop by my childhood bullies, NeverEnding Story-style?"
I suppose you're wondering why I've called you into my Exposition Parlor
this evening. I've been watching you, Paul. You have exactly the right amounts
of charisma, charm, joie de vivre, laid-backness, cheekbones, and ability
to make stupid lines sound funny that a Marvel protagonist requires.
I want you to be the Ant-Man.
Awesome! My very own action franchise!
Not quite. This is a heist movie. Well, inasmuch as it features slightly more
explainy scenes than usual before the traditional third act rooty-tooty-shooty
CGI fuckfest kicks in. Now, allow me to present you with your love interest,
that Mary Sue elf from The Hobbit who also happens to be my daughter.
(kicks Paul in the nuts)
(flips off Michael)
I think she hates me.
Thank god! There's no surer sign that you'll be banging by the time the credits roll!
Yeah, but why does she hate her own father so much? Did you get drunk
and beat up her mom or something?
No, we left that part out of this version of Hank Pym, for some reason.
Even though we then made a running joke of me hitting people.
MICHAEL gazes wistfully at his collection of meticulously framed photos of his WIFE looking away or behind a wall or wearing a huge floppy hat or engulfed in whipped cream.
You see, back before I yanked Evangeline out of Marvel's Patented Humorless
Bitchy Love Interest Generator, I was the Ant-Man myself, doing the generic superhero
thing way back in the '60s with my wife, the Wasp. On one mission, we had to
stop a Soviet nuclear missile from reaching the mainland United States. She had
to shrink down into the subatomic realm in order to pass through the missile's
exterior and disable it, becoming lost in the cracks in reality in the process.
Afterward, I made a solemn vow to do right by my only remaining
family member by becoming cranky, bitter, and distant.
"I and FUTURE SEQUEL/PREQUEL ORIGINAL WASP ACTRESS loved you too much to tell you the truth."
Subatomic? How did THAT happen?!
That's what happens if you shut off the regulator on the suit. Everything else
on Earth apparently has its own built-in regulator, since nothing ELSE goes
subatomic when you throw Pym Particles at it, but-
That's not what I meant. You said earlier that Pym Particles REDUCE the space
BETWEEN atoms. So how the living fuck does it make anything SMALLER than atoms?!?
Because, er, the fifth element is love? I dunno.
All right, well, this movie ain't gonna montage itself!
INT. TRAINING MONTAGE
So, we need to steal that Yellowjacket prototype suit before Corey can show it
to more investors in a few days, because the last investors didn't count
for some reason. Paul, I shall now leave you in the care of my daughter for
your training. She is the perfect teacher, as she is extremely skilled
in the shrinking suit's methodology.
Which raises the question: Why don't you just have her wear the damn suit instead of me?
(points at Paul, nodding)
Fuck that. We're competing with the goddam Minions movie, and have you
SEEN that marketing campaign? I'm brushing Minions out of my teeth in the morning;
this is NOT the time to take the "Female-Led Superhero Movie" plunge. Evangeline,
start learning respect for this lovable deadbeat divorcee. Paul, please absorb
Evangeline's years of experience in a few short days.
(punches Paul in the face for no reason)
"Note, this is also how I do foreplay."
We're going to get along great, I see.
Silence, Ant-Maggot. You are now in the crosshairs of my 30 years of
pent-up daddy issues. Now give me 20 shrink-ups and a lap around the lawn.
And I don't want to hear one "I feel something growing in my pants" crack
or I'll fry your balls off with a magnifying glass. MOVE!
PAUL learns how to SHRINK and GROW some more. This takes about 10 SECONDS, but the movie makes it look like an ACCOMPLISHMENT, because it's his ONLY POWER.
Now remember, Paul. When you're tiny, you have the same mass, which
means you can punch with much more force. Like a bullet.
A bullet that somehow doesn't kill anyone.
Bear in mind that this "same mass" rule applies only to punching. Not to
sitting on ants, not to getting swatted out of the air, not to running
sloooowwwly across the length of a gun barrel while the evil henchman
checks his Twitter account three times. ONLY punching.
Wow. I really hope Neil DeGrasse Tyson isn't planning on tweeting about
this film. He's gonna need a long weekend and a bottle of Scotch
to get through the first 10 minutes.
Well, in addition to the worse-than-usual butchering of physics, you've
also got an ant-controller in your helmet. This will prove incredibly
useful in areas that have tons of ants in them, such as picnic areas,
public parks, and top secret facilities with poor pest control.
Aww, they're cute. I'm going to name this winged one ... ANTony!
And this one will be Bryan CrANTSton.
And I'll call this one MerchANT Ivory Product-
ENOUGH ALREADY. I think you're ready to sneak into my old office building.
But before we do that, let's have you break into the goddam Avengers
headquarters to steal some science bullshit we suddenly need. You know, for practice.
EXT. NEW CRAPPY AVENGERS BUILDING THAT ISN'T THE TOWER
PAUL descends from the SKY on his SUPERSONIC FLYING ANT EPIC MOUNT and INSTANTLY GETS DETECTED by the SECURITY SYSTEM. He is confronted by-
That's right, the high-flying Falcon! I'm long overdue to prove
my usefulness to this team. Have at you, Shrinky-Dick!
They FIGHT! Or, rather, ANTHONY flies around in circles swinging his arms at NOTHING because we CAN'T SEE PAUL most of the time when he's TINY! Somehow PAUL wins and escapes with the BULLSHIT!
"So we're cool with my big fight scene just looking like me doing a Tae Bo beginner's tape?"
Beaten by Mr. "Honey, I Shrunk The Kids." I better get to kick
some serious ass in Civil War.
INT. DOUGLAS CORPORATION
PAUL sneaks into the DOUGLAS BUILDING by FLOATING through the WATER MAIN on a RAFT made of ANTS and then CLIMBING UP a LADDER made of ANTS and then FLYING through VENTS on some WINGED ANTS and then INCAPACITATING a GUARD with ANT BITES and then BLOWING UP some COMPUTERS with ANTS, and then he gets some ANTS to do his TAXES and build him a ROLLS-ROYCE and manage his STOCK PORTFOLIO, because ANTS can do FUCKING ANYTHING in this movie.
Meanwhile outside, PAUL's ex-wife's current husband, OFFICER BOBBY CANNAVALE, and his partner, WOOD HARRIS, show up to arrest MICHAEL DOUGLAS for helping PAUL escape JAIL.
All right, Douglas, come with- wait a second, that van there! It's full of
Paul's partners in crime! Ignore Douglas and chase them! Chase them at all costs!
But then his POLICE CAR gets stolen by T.I.!
Abort! Abort! Chase after our car! Ignore those criminals and chase our car!
But then MICHAEL PENA throws a TENNIS BALL!
Chase that ball! Chase it! Nothing matters more than that ball!
And then DAVID jiggles some SHINY KEYS in BOBBY'S FACE!
Sensory overload! Retreat! Retreat!
Man, police can't do shit. No wonder it took y'all three seasons to lock my ass up.
Meanwhile, PAUL gets into the super hi-tech FISH TANK that COREY has been keeping the YELLOWJACKET suit in! He drops inside and instantly gets CAPTURED!
(does not even TRY bullet-punching the glass)
I suspected something like this would happen, somehow. Come on in,
Douglas family. See just how fucked you all are.
Man, I am worse at planning an infiltration than a Quentin Tarantino character.
Yeah. Maybe this would've worked out better if you had someone
actually competent in charge. Like, I don't know ... ME?!
Oh come on, if you'd planned this heist it would end with everyone getting
stuck on a magical island for six years. Now witness my glory! For I have
invented the exact same suit Michael invented, except with a jet pack and lasers!
Yeah, weapons of any kind would be pretty useful on this suit right now,
Michael. Hell, your wife probably wouldn't be trapped for eternity in a
Higgs boson's anus if she had a decent laser cutter on her suit.
But hey, I did give you those crazy discs that somehow grow and shrink shit
when they touch things. But not dust particles and microbes in the air, of course ...
PAUL uses the DISCS to bust out and a FIGHT happens! WHAM BIFF SOCK! COREY shoots MICHAEL right in the CHEST but luckily misses all of MICHAEL'S major arteries, veins, organs, muscles, bones, tendons, ligaments, skin, and clothes.
"Thank God. He can't die without knowing if his daughter and I bone."
Goddamn Marvel movies!
The ANT CREW fight their way out of the BUILDING via liberal use of SHRINKING and GROWING. It also turns out MICHAEL kept a SHERMAN TANK in his POCKET, which luckily crushes no INNOCENT PEOPLE once it EXPLODES through the WALL.
OK, Corey's escaping in his helicopter so he can go sell the Yellowjacket suit
to HYDRA. Antony, use fly!
Curses! A cloud of winged ants is moving slowly toward my helicopter!
Shoot bullets at them, henchmen! Shoot bullets at those millimeter-long insects!
COREY kills ANTONY!
NOOOOOO!!! ANTONY!! MY COMPANION WITH THE 60-DAY LIFESPAN
HAS BEEN SLAIN! I SHALL AVENGE YOUUU!!!
PAUL zips his way into the HELICOPTER because sometimes he can sort of FLY.
Fight, my cronies! Flail your arms in random directions!
Fill this tiny cockpit with bullets!
They completely FUCK UP the HELICOPTER. COREY then puts on the YELLOWJACKET suit, and thus begins the CGI CLUSTERFUCKFEST that ends EVERY GODDAMN MARVEL MOVIE. They fight in the CHOPPER and in the SKY and in a HANDBAG and in the STREET, and after all the RANDOM DISTRACTING ACTION worthy of a FAMILY GUY CUTAWAY GAG, PAUL defeats COREY by hitting him with a PING PONG PADDLE into a BUG ZAPPER! Seriously!
Corey's super-soldier suit got taken out by 120 fucking volts?! The awesome
tech that's supposed to make the world shit its pants with fear? Why are we
so goddamn determined to undercut ANY stakes this movie tries to build up?
EAT SIDEWALK, SHITBIRD!
No, wait, Bobby! You can't! Corey's waking up! He's going to go
kill my daughter! You have to let me save her!
Fuck no. You're a criminal through and through; there's no chance in hell
I would ever let you SQUIRREL!
PAUL sneaks away while BOBBY begins BARKING. He goes to the home of his EX-WIFE, JUDY GREER, and his DAUGHTER, ABBY RYDER FORTSON, just in time to stop COREY!
We have to fight more, Corey! The trailer doesn't have enough explosions in it yet!
They SHRINK and GROW and SHRINK and FIGHT and cause a THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE to grow to ENORMOUS SIZE and TOTALLY CRUSH A CAR because it created 50 TONS OF MASS out of FUCK-ALL. However, since THOMAS is not EDIBLE, nobody notices the SOLUTION TO WORLD HUNGER that is literally staring them right in the face.
"Screw hunger! We need to try this on boobs and dicks! Ant-Man, away!"
And now to exact my revenge!
(begins walking toward Abby at the pace of an exhausted glacier)
No! Corey's going to kill Abby! Eventually! At some point! There's only
one option! I must shrink into the sub-atomic realm in order to pierce
Corey's armor! One Patented Marvel Brand Self-Sacrifice coming up! We are Grooooot!!
PAUL shrink-fucks COREY'S SUIT, causing him to REVERSE EXPLODE. PAUL then travels further and further into the MINDFUCK DIMENSION, transcending MATTER, SPACE, and TIME. He may or may not achieve sufficient matter density to become a BLACK HOLE and thus DESTROY EARTH, but since DR. TYSON is now utterly blotto shitfaced, we'll have to check with him later.
My God! It's full of Adobe After Effects! I can see all of reality! The future!
The past! The really awesome, mind-blowing, genre-transcending movie this
could have been if Edgar Wright had gotten his shit together long enough to
actually make the damn thing instead of waiting a decade and letting Marvel
build the largest media franchise in the world right underneath him!
I could be trapped here for eternity!
But he hears his DAUGHTER whining, which allows him to RE-EMBIGGEN himself!
ABBY RYDER FORTSON
Daddy! You're back! But how?
Paternal love, baby. Not time, nor space, nor reality itself can stop
the Marvel franchise machine a-chuggin'.
I have also learned respect for you, Paul. Here. Let me just go delete your
criminal record from every computer, wipe all the recordings of you escaping prison,
and murder every other police officer who responded to your APB. You're a free man!
I am also totally cool with you. Want to have weird sex? I smell a threesome coming on.
Sorry, babe. I got an elf lady waiting for me back home.
Also, my cousin's parole officer's dogsitter's third-favorite Tarot psychic's
husband's Stan Lee cameo told me they totally want you to be an Avenger now!
And I'm DTF all of a sudden. Just saying.
FUCK YEAH MARVEL MOVIES! NOTHING GOES WRONG FOR ANYONE EVER!
"Hey, can I borrow a couple of those embiggening disks?"
INT. DOUGLAS RESIDENCE
Well, Evangeline, the past few days have really caused me to re-evaluate some
things. I think it's time I gave my shrinking technology to the world.
You want to guess how I'm going to do that?
Fantastic Voyage-style in-body medical procedures?
Construction? Waste management? Space travel? Goddam Las Vegas magic shows?
Literally any of the world-changing applications you could
use this incredible new technology for?
Did I hear "super suit"? Because that's what you're getting!
MICHAEL unveils EVANGELINE's WASP ARMOR!
It's about damn time.
So can I maybe test it out before-
Seriously, guys? Captain Marvel better be fucking awesome, that's all I'm saying.
"At least there's Civil War"
Ant-Man might seem useless in a world with Norse Gods and Ironmen, but then where does that leave Hawkeye? Find out in If Age Of Ultron Was 10 Times Shorter And Way More Honest and If Avengers Was 10 Times Shorter And 100 Times More Honest.
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