If Age Of Ultron Was 10 Times Shorter And Way More Honest

FADE IN:

EXT. HYDRA FORTRESS - FAKE EUROPE

We open on an UNSKIPPABLE CUTSCENE as CHRIS HEMSWORTH, ROBERT DOWNEY JR., CHRIS EVANS, GREEN MARK RUFFALO, SCARLETT JOHANSSON, and JEREMY RENNER storm a HYDRA base and straight-up MURDER tons of regular, non-superpowered people in the world's LEAST-FAIR FIGHT.

Marvel Studios


ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Oh look, I'm back with my catalog of specialized suits.
This completely invalidates everything that happened in Iron Man 3,
so I guess everyone can just skip that one.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Verily, Thor 2 is similarly without merit or consequence!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

And Guardians took place in outer space, so it doesn't affect
what's going on either.

CHRIS EVANS

OK, but Winter Soldier is totally important. It established that
Hydra has been infiltrating S.H.I.E.L.D. for half a century! Of course,
it's been completely dismantled now and this is the very last base
that we're about to destroy ... shit. Is Phase 2 the Danny DeVito
to Phase 1's Schwarzenegger?

GREEN MARK RUFFALO

ENTIRE PHASE 2 CAN BE IGNORED, NEXT MOVIE ALL ABOUT
SMALL BUG MAN AND NOBODY CARE!

JEREMY RENNER

Of course, if you want to know why we're even assaulting this
fortress, you should watch 41 hours of Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. to see
the 65 seconds at the end of Season 2, Episode 19 where Cobie Smulders
holy shit this bubble is going to burst really soon isn't it?

ROBERT shoots a MISSILE at the fortress that fails to penetrate its FORCE FIELD, but then he just SHOOTS THE FORCE FIELD because HYDRA never got around to watching RETURN OF THE JEDI.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

All right guys, I'm inside the fortress. Have we figured out a
justification for the nearly invincible Norse god not to be
doing this instead of me?

Marvel Studios


CHRIS EVANS

(over radio)

Yes, he's carrying Jeremy Renner back to the ship because
he got injured. Damn, Hawkeye still sucks.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Perfect, I'll just go ahead and find ...

(consults notes)

Loki's sceptre? Geez, again?

ROBERT finds LOKI'S MIND-CONTROL SCEPTRE, pulsating with MIND-CONTROL POWER that will surely be put to EXCELLENT DRAMATIC USE.

Suddenly, AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON and ELIZABETH OLSEN sneak up behind him, and ELIZABETH users her powers of MIND CONTROL HOLY FUCK WHEDON THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

You have used vague powers to make metal man die, yes?

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Nyet, I see that allowing him to succeed vill ultimately
cause destruction for moose and squirrel, so I leave alone.
Gave him nightmare for use in many trailer. Has broken
Captain America shield and everythink, fanboys will love.

Marvel Studios


The TEAM returns to NEW YORK, about 4,000 MILES AWAY, but that's at least a 3-HOUR FLIGHT, so ...

IMMEDIATE SMASH CUT TO:

INT. AVENGERS TOWER - REAL NEW YORK CITY

ROBERT and MARK are doing SCIENCE with the MAGIC SCEPTRE while everyone else is CONVENIENTLY IN ANOTHER ROOM.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Mark, this sceptre has a neural computer in it or some shit.
I want to experiment with it; just give me three days.

MARK RUFFALO

Why are you asking me? Hemsworth already said OK,
though who the hell knows why ...

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Look, you know how we've been trying to create a super advanced
robot AI to protect the world from aliens? Well, this technology
from those exact same aliens, used by the leader of those aliens to
nearly destroy us all, might be the key to stopping future aliens!
I'm going to load the computer stuff and see what happens.

Marvel Studios


MARK RUFFALO

What?! Are you seriously the dipshit that finds a random
USB key in your office parking lot and immediately
plugs it into your work computer?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

OK, I ran not_a_virus.exe. Now let's go party.
A.I. Paul Bettany can finish this up.

(leaves with Mark)

A.I. PAUL BETTANY, aware of Marvel's recent track record, dutifully makes countless attempts to create a memorable, interesting new villain before finally deciding FUCK IT I'M JUST GONNA STUFF JAMES SPADER'S AUDITION TAPE FOR THE BLACKLIST INTO A MURDERBOT, STILL BETTER THAN FUCKING MALLAKESH.

INT. PARTY ROOM

ROBERT and MARK rejoin the others and drink and do cool AVENGERS STUFF together like BEST BUDS as if it's NO BIG DEAL, when SUDDENLY ...

ROBOT JAMES SPADER

Greetings Avengers! I am an evil robot bent on the
destruction of all humanity, but don't worry about
me being menacing or machine-like -- I still do the whole
sarcastic-quip thing like the rest of everyone Joss Whedon
writes dialogue for. Also, I killed JARVIS in a ridiculous scene
where two different-colored sets of blocks glowed at each other.
Hollywood's grasp of technology is firmly stuck in the '90s.

Marvel Studios


ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Oh no, but JARVIS is how I interact with my suits, he's
how I process data, he runs pretty much all aspects of my
superheroing -- without him I won't have an endless supply of
lazy narrative cheats. Just kidding, I've loaded up a
replacement JARVIS, and it's a girl.

Suddenly, a bunch of BROKEN IRON MAN ROBOTS, now controlled by JAMES SPADER, attack! They are dispatched effortlessly, since their primary function was WALKING VOICEMAIL MESSAGE.

ROBOT JAMES SPADER

Mwahaha, behold, the "Age Of Ultron" has begun! It will
last five days. "Work Week Of Ultron" didn't test well.

(flies away)

COBIE SMULDERS

Right. My job now is to hand people folders while walking,
so here's a folder with a picture of Andy Serkis in it.
Go find him.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Serkis! He smuggles vibranium out of the fictional African
nation of Wakanda! He uses it to create counterfeit
Best Actor Oscars since he can't get a real one --
BOOM, you just got put on blast Serkis; motion capture
isn't real acting you punk bitch!

CHRIS EVANS

Then we have no choice but to abandon the America-centric
locales of the first Avengers film and travel to faraway,
exotic lands, none of which actually exist! To Wakanadia!

INT. VIBRANIUM SMUGGLING FACILITY - FAKE AFRICA

CHRIS, OTHER CHRIS, and ROBERT all go to WAKANDA, which is the MOST TECHNOLOGICALLY ADVANCED COUNTRY in the ENTIRE MARVEL UNIVERSE, but since it's in AFRICA it still has DIRT ROADS and tons of VIOLENT THUGS with MACHINE GUNS. They confront ROBOT JAMES SPADER, who has already dismissed the ANDY SERKIS CAMEO and enlisted the help of AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON and ELIZABETH OLSEN.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

All right Spader, we're taking you down. As an engineer, your
weirdly flexible chrome skin mouth offends me. Fucking
Transformers did robot mouths better -- why do your lips even move?

Marvel Studios


AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Not so vast! I am Qvicksilver and have power of super-speed!
As Days Of Vuture Past show, I am ludicrously owerpowered
and can easily-

(knocks himself out)

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Behold, I am the Scarlet Witch, with the power to make
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen regret every career decision
they've ever made! Also brain stuff and red things!

ELIZABETH gives everyone NIGHTMARES or VISIONS or PROBABILITIES or WHATEVER NEEDS TO HAPPEN. Suddenly, MARK RUFFALO turns into GREEN MARK RUFFALO because M-M-M-M-M-MIND CONTROL.

HULK RUFFALO

RAARRRGH HULK SEE FUTURE WHERE UNIVERSAL STILL OWN
RIGHTS TO HULK SOLO FILM! PLANET HULK OFF TABLE!
HULK SMASH ENTIRE CITY!!!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Time to bring down my larger Iron Man suit that wraps
around my normal Iron Man suit like a hilarious Russian
doll, but nobody is going to laugh because all the sweaty
neckbeards in the audience are squealing
"HULKBUSTERRRRR" right now!

Marvel Studios


ROBERT and MARK proceed to MAN OF STEEL their way through DOWNTOWN WAKANDA.

CHADWICK BOSEMAN

(not present)

Eventually ROBERT throws an ENTIRE BUILDING at MARK so he takes a NAP.

INT. QUINJET

COBIE SMULDERS

So yeah, everyone's pretty upset about how you annihilated
that city. But just give it a few days until that
fuckawful Supergirl TV trailer comes out and HOO BOY,
this little mess will be forgotten faster than Terrence Howard.

JEREMY RENNER

We can all hide out at my family farm! I've kept it
totally under the radar by making Hawkeye so boring
and useless that people forgot all about me.
And hey, worst case, my wife and kids die.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

I wouldst love to, but I wilt find Stellan Skarsgard
so he may help me find a pool ... that gives ...
uh, visions? Apologies, the whole of this subplot
clearly wound up on the cutting-room floor and everyone
just gaveth up; is there a Razzie for Worst Editing?

Marvel Studios


The team dick around on the FARM for a while. Upstairs, MARK has just finished scrubbing the green paint from behind his ears when SCARLETT walks in.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I need to tell you something, Mark. As a child I was
brainwashed and psychologically tortured to become
an unfeeling killing machine. My humanity was stripped
away, and as a final insult they performed invasive surgery
against my will. So what I'm saying is that I have terrible,
deep-seated scars that, like many victims, lead me to
feel bad about myself.

MARK RUFFALO

Wow, that's some deep shit to be dropping into a popcorn
escapist blockbuster. We'd better be real careful how we-

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I HAVE NO WOMB WHO'S THE MONSTER NOW?

MARK RUFFALO

Aww fuck, let's abruptly change the subject -- hey I bet
Spader is going to Korea to have Claudia Kim build
him a vibranium-skinned body!

CHRIS EVANS

What the fudge?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Just go with it. Joss Whedon was told to cut four hours
out of this movie; you're lucky we still say
complete sentences.

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