Ian's Unnecessary News Roundup


How many times have you opened your copy of the Outer Topeka Daily Anti-Semite looking for a quick diversion, only to find weighty stories of global chaos and economic catastrophe? Well, my friends, I refuse to believe my grandfather died fighting the Huns on the shores of Luxembourg or wherever so that any man, woman, child, or transsexual should feel obligated to read anything important, ever. That's not my America. Therefore, it is with this in mind that I hereby inaugurate a new feature, wherein I scour the netwaves for those news stories that are the most absolutely, positively unnecessary, and share them with you, so that you may bask happily in their complete and total irrelevance to your lives. Let's begin! The Legend of Octo-Girl: Despite the fact that public demand for superheroes is at an all-time high, one potential crime-fighting natural wonder is about to be nipped in the bud. This amazing Indian child (secret identity: "Lakshmi") was born with two times the arms, two times the legs, and eight times the charm of a normal baby. Tragically, misguided doctors plan to remove this adorable tot's extra limbs long before she has a chance to grow into a teenage mutant ninja cephalopod with a thirst for justice. kc_wrink1.jpgKim Cattrall Begs Nephew Not To Go To Iraq: Kim Cattrall, who in my mind is always wearing her sexy Big Trouble in Little China outfit, has been trying to convince her nephew to say "thanks but no thanks" to fighting in Iraq. (We're still fighting in Iraq? Where have I been?) So far, her main method of persuasion has been to send the 18-year-old gruesome articles and photographs from the conflict. If I were in the young soldier's position (which I would never be---fallen arches, bad eyesight, and a note from my doctor confirming that I'm a coward), I would respond by immediately trying to convince Auntie Kim to not appear in the new Sex in the City movie by sending her grisly closeups of her own wrinkles. greatwheel.jpgGreat Wheel of China: The Chinese, who are continuing to kick our asses at everything from giant/midget comedy teams to sheer multitude of Wangs, have upped the ante once again by unveiling plans for the world's largest Ferris Wheel (or as Rosie O'Donnell would say... well, let's not get into that). If my wild speculations are true, the 700-ft. tall wheel will include such features as:

  • a constant deafening soundtrack of patriotic songs;
  • high-powered safety showers to remove lead dust (no more than every five minutes);
  • a top-of-the-wheel "Lil' Mao's Family Fun and Anti-Imperialist Re-education Center"; and
  • one bathroom break near the end of the 6.5 hour ride, available at the low cost of your pledge of eternal allegiance to the Glorious People's Revolution
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