I Will Soon Be Judging American Idol
It's happened. The dynasty that was American Idol has come crumbling down, and despite inaugurations to the contrary, I'm taking it as a clear sign that America as a whole is officially defunct. After all, when your most watched television show of all time (which happens to have the name of your country in its title) is folding, it's time to call up the Russians and surrender. We still hate Russians, right? I mean, I know I do, but is it still national policy? Anyway, it's time to call whomever is fit to dismantle our government and sell it off piece by piece and give up. Hazy though I may be on international politics, I do know at least one thing: After we've all been boiled down and used to fuel the lamps in St. Petersbuerg Cathedral, and the romantics and optimists tell you that the reason for Idol's ten percent decline in viewership was election season, or the fact that the show is nearly a decade old, or the fact that every episode after the auditions are over is unwatchable drek, you can tell them they’re wrong. Damn wrong. The reason Idol (and, subsequently, America) is on the verge of irretrievable decline is clear: Kara DioGuardi. Kara is Idol’s new spunky, sassy female judge. Here she is bragging about working with Celine Dion, which tells you right off the bat that she’s dangerously delusional.
When not salvaging a television empire, Michael serves as head writer for and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!