‘Brides will say things like, ‘It’s my special day.’ But how do you call it your day if your dad’s paying for it? I think it’s his day, and I think it’s a really weird day for him. He’s paying a ton of money to make sure a man has sex with you that night’
My finacee and I have a big glass jar where we save our change, and every couple of months when the jar is full, we jaunt down to the local Coinstar and marvel at our newfound twelve dollar fortune. It’s not exactly free money, but it feels like free money, and the frozen yogurt we invariable purchase with it tastes all the sweeter.
Well, you can call me petty, but finding out that someone just exchanged their collection of 301 pennies for 10.7 million dollars has officially ruined that ritual for me. I loathe my change jar now.
I grimace at it whenever I walk in as if to say “oh, it’s
you.” I resent its laziness and wonder aloud to people whether it’s even worth the trip to cash in. “What can you buy with twelve dollars in today's economy anyway?” I ask pointedly, glancing down at the jar. Sometimes when I’m drunk I scream at it to “get a job” and knock it to the ground, scattering near-worthless nickels everywhere.
Admittedly, the guy’s penny collection included one that was only minted for two weeks in 1793 because Congress thought Lady Liberty looked frightened, but does that really warrant the exchange of millions of dollars? What service has been rendered here?
The only thing that makes it okay is that the guy was the owner of an aerospace-part manufacturing company. I don’t know exactly what that means, except that it means he was probably already rich, so the ten mil will be just as worthless to him as my shiftless, scheming change jar is to me.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be scrupulously examining my change trying to find a picture of George Washington looking pensive.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael makes economically unviable videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!
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