How to Use the Bailout to Ask Your Parents for Money

Dear Mom and Dad, Hey! It's your first son, Michael (the one in Hollywood). I'm here in Hollywood, striking it big. I should mention I met T-Boz the other day. You probably don't know who she is, but trust me, it's kind of a big deal. We might work together on some projects. Anyway, I know I haven’t written since I moved out. Things have been kind of hectic for the last three and a half years. You know: unpacking boxes, setting up Internet, pretending we're not home when the landlord comes by, that kind of thing. But I thought it might be a good time to catch up. How are you? I heard you had another kid; that’s great! I hope to meet him/her next time I'm free (looking like mid-2010, although that could fill up if this T-Boz thing takes off). This bailout is pretty nuts, huh? I’ve been watching the whole thing on the news; first it’s going to pass, then it doesn’t pass, now it’s coming back. All that money. It really makes you think: sometimes, it’s important for money to be given to people, even if the reason they need the money is that they’re failing. Of course, I wouldn't know much about that. It's pretty tough to fail out here in H'Wood (as we call it). There just seems to be opportunities everywhere. Just last week I saw the Robert Zemeckis building.

His building! So when I talk about the bailout of AIG as an example of generosity and understanding in the face of desperate failure, then that's just what I mean. Washington is like a family, you know? The lawmakers are the parents (like you!) and the U.S. banks are like the kids (like me!). It’s just so refreshing to see that even though AIG may have made some mistakes, Washington is thoughtful enough to help them out, and see their potential for growth. Oh, did I mention? I’ve eaten nothing but Kraft Macaroni and Cheese for the past eight weeks. I think I might be getting some kind of malnourishment; my skin is yellow and sometimes I don’t go to the bathroom for two days. I only mention it because I know how much Mom likes biology stuff like that. It's quite the experiment! So yeah, what do you guys think about the bailout? Feel free to write me about it, perhaps in the memo section of a check. That would be kind of fitting, to write about a bailout on a check, right? See, your boy’s still a joker! Who cares if we had to sell the dogs to make the electricity bill this month? I’ve still got a smile on my face and a chuckle in my pocket! Not that I can afford a luxury like pockets right now, but the point stands. I might be writing a thing for Taint Magazine, by the way. It’s a new magazine, but I have high hopes (don’t look into it; it’s hard to find). Seven hundred billion dollars. Sure seems like a lot of money, doesn’t it? A lot more than, say, six hundred dollars, which coincidentally is how far behind I am on my rent. And it’s like, where