How To Reinvent Yourself During Your First Week at College
Hello new college students! You're 17 or 18. You're a Cracked fan. You shouldn't be, we use a lot of adult language here, but I guess that's in the past now. You're an adult now, except for the legal drinking, and car rental privileges, and also understanding anything about how the world actually works. Really, you won't be much of an adult until you've known serious disappointment. Man, I can't wait to see the looks on you little shits' faces when you learn about things like payroll deductions and malaise and sweaters.
"Man, sweater vests." -sigh-But that's in the future! And you're all about the now these days, particularly the now of just killing it at your new school. I'm sure by now you're sick of hearing advice about how to survive your first week away at college. How to get along with your roommate, how to find classes on the first day, how to get a library card. People love giving advice to new college kids; step outside your dorm room, and see how long it takes for someone to hand you a pamphlet on the dangers of premarital drinking. None of this advice is bad, but it's all pretty basic. And little of it tells you what life is actually going to be like from now on. Or, more importantly, how to make that life better. That's why you're here, listening to me (you may also be procrastinating, and have simply read everything else on the Internet). I've done university, I got a couple degrees and I've even hung around campus for years after graduation, just leering and leering and learning. I'm a self-proclaimed expert on college life, which, due to a lack of standardizing bodies, is the only and best kind. I know what you need to know, and in the situations where I don't, I'll use larger words, making it harder for you to tell. I decided that the best way to share my wisdom was in the form of a case study. After a quick survey, I found one of our forum members, Mike_Hambastard (probably not his real name) who is attending school for the first time this fall. I invite you to read a transcription of our conversation below, in which I drop the fruits of my brain-loins all over this young scholar. ____________________ Cracked: Hi Mike Mike_Hambastard: Hi! Hey, wow, thanks for picking me. C: It's no problem. MH: It's just that there was so many of us who responded to your casting call. C: Well, we liked your moxie. MH: Like how you told us to submit a photograph of us burning a 20 dollar bill? C: Exactly. No one else did that. Why would anyone do that? Why would anyone even ask that? Big questions Mike. No answers. That's your first college tip Mike, ask questions with no answers. Makes you look smart. MH: Awesome! C: Wrong. You should have said, "Is it awesome?" MH: Sorry. C: Incorrect. "I'm sorry. Or am I?" is what we were looking for. MH: This is ... tough? C: Nope, it's actually quite easy Mike. Are you having trouble keeping up? MH: I'm feeling kind of confused and a little annoyed, actually. C: And now we're having a Cracked interview. OK, let's get started. So the first thing you need to understand about college is how to reinvent yourself. MH: I need to be different? C: You don't need to be different. But you probably will be. And you'll probably want to be. MH: Why? C: You're at a unique stage in life. Until now you've had parents and teachers and the courts protect you from all of your bad decisions. A lot of what you are now is what they've made you to be. But from now on, you'll be who you make yourself to be. MH: Can I be a ninja? C: No. Come on Mike, let's be serious here. And a ninja leads an awful life, surrounded by sharp things and treachery. It's a desperate, hunted existence. You don't want to be a ninja. MH: I guess not. C: That's why you don't see them any more. They all killed each other. MH: All of them at once? C: The last ones died simultaneously,
It was after a disagreement about tipping etiquette.MH: Oh. OK, who should I be then? C: Whatever you want. MH: I don't know what I want to be. C: That's normal, and even ideal. You'll see a lot of kids your age working through this, experimenting with being skaters or stoners or girls gone wild or whatever. You don't have to pick anything right now, and really, you're probably ill-equipped to do so. Really ill-equipped. I'll give you an example. In my first year at college I became the guy who collected all the swords. MH: How did that happen? C: I walked by one of those sword shops and thought, "Why
A lot of mistakes led to the neck tattoo, although I was later able to afford getting the "Free Chandler" subtitle removed, allowing me to claim the rest was just an unfortunate birthmark.MH: All right, so I'm now a cool looking version of myself. This means I'm getting laid all the time now, right? C: The exact definition of "all the time" will vary significantly, but in general, yes, it is a general rule that men with men's haircuts will get more sex than with other types. MH: And I'm meeting these girls at parties and keggers and such. C: Yes! But on that subject, do you actually know how to party? MH: I think so. I mean I've had a few beers. C: That's not what I asked, but sure: alcohol makes you feel cooler than you are, which is a big part of looking cooler than you are, which is the first of three steps to meeting women. MH: And the other two ste... C: Conversation, and Boasts. MH: I see. C: Drinking helps with both of those as well, to a point. That point is ever-shifting, and situated on a very slippery gradient, but mapping it out is a big part of growing up, so you know, have fun with it. Just remember to not drive, or perform surgery, or talk to people on the bus - sober bus people
"HOOOOOOOOLLLLLLYYYYY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT! SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE! SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!"MH: What? C: There is no chance that anyone will ever be pathetic enough to look back on their youth and think: "I'm glad I played all that
Throwing a snake is also, not coincidentally, an excellent way to "throw the snake."MH: I see. C: "Holy shit, I can't believe I threw that snake at that thing!" you'll say to your grandchildren one day. You'll get told off by your daughter-in-law for swearing, and because she's kind of shrewish. But that will be fine, because you're old and you've thrown some snakes - nothing she says can touch you. Do you see what I'm saying? MH: I think so. C: No you don't. But you will when you throw a snake. Or if someone throws a snake at you. It works both ways. And that's the last bit of advice: Hang out with the snake-throwers. That's where life is happening. MH: Yeah? C: Some death happening too. Not gonna lie. I mean, fuck, right? They are snakes. _____________________ Check out more articles that your teachers would probably prefer you didn't read at out Back to School Hub.