Why Won't Americans Drink Tea?

Americans love waking up to gulp down as much jitter juice as they can get their hands on. But why is the only cold brew we like from a bean and not a leaf?

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How to put your balls on Eminem: A Practical Guide

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dfaThis weekend at the MTV Movie Awards, dozens of awards were given out to people whose names I didn't recognize. I've never been a big MTV Movie Awards aficionado or anything, but seriously, I have no idea who these people are anymore. They're all in singing vampire movies, right? Singing vampire movies about abstinence, right? And people watch that? Kids these days are idiots. Gimme Kevin Bacon anger-dancing through an old factory any day. There were a couple people older than 20 at the awards however, and they did interact with each other in a testactular fashion. Bruno, a fashionista with comedic mannerisms (i.e. super-gay) played by Sacha Baron Cohen, entered the theater swooping through the air on a harness. Notably, he was wearing wings and something which I'm going to go ahead and describe as a bedazzled jock strap. Mid-flight he hit some technical difficulties, and descended head first into the lap of Eminem, famous for his talky-songs about berating women. This arrangement of bodies had the remarkable effect of positioning Bruno's cock, balls and ass right in the face of the rapper, who appeared to be dissatisfied with the arrangement.

oh-no-balls

As a comedy writer I have text files littered all over my computer, half written bits and ideas from my years working the dick-joke-beat. And like most normal and healthy young men, I also have a fascination with putting my balls on popular rap artists. So upon hearing this news I realized that years ago I had written up a list of different ways one could put their testicles on Eminem, something I had originally intended to put up on my Geocities page, under my pen name at the time "~Dongwriter32" After cleaning it up a bit and removing the ones that could get me on various no-fly lists, I proudly present to you a list of methods for how to get your balls on Eminem. Hopefully you find it enjoyable, and maybe even useful, perhaps if you're a
really big Eminem fan or someone with a particularly complicated bucket list. Ladies, I know this article is biased towards male readers, but hope you enjoy it just the same. If you wish to participate, I've sourced the following supply of artificial balls you can make use of.

blue-balls

Or, tune in next week for my unisex article "How to Cover Rachel Ray with Ants." __ How to put your balls on Eminem Wait for a powerful wind storm in Eminem's neighborhood. When a tree branch takes out the power lines, sneak into Eminem's house and place your balls where he normally keeps his flashlight. __ Invite Eminem to a boy-girl party. During a game of spin the bottle, wait for Eminem to win seven minutes in heaven with a girl. When they enter the closet and turn out the lights, they are shocked to find you concealed in a poncho now hiked up to your waist, hastily placing your balls on Eminem. __ You're a successful dentist, who wants to give up the daily grind and place your balls on Eminem. Wait for the multi-platinum selling artist to avail himself of your services, ask him to sit in the dentist's chair, and tilt it all the way back. Place your balls on Eminem. __ With the help of a colleague, who is a deceitful tour guide, you have lured Eminem into a Turkish bath. Before he realizes that this is not in fact an Olive Garden, you appear in a cloud of steam to place your balls on Eminem, before disappearing just as quickly into the haze. __ Seeking the natural rush of adrenaline, Eminem signs up for sky-diving instruction at the school where you teach. During his first jump, Eminem will be strapped to your chest in the tandem jump position. At the designated height, ask Eminem to pull the ripcord attached to the harness. This ripcord will release your specially designed pants, freeing your balls, which can now be placed on Eminem. When he begins to panic, calm him down and pull the real ripcord, deploying the parachute. If he complains after you land safely, soothe him by explaining that he made a common beginners mistake. __ While visiting your firehall during the filming of a music video, Eminem asks to use the firepole. Descending in a reasonable manner, he gets mired at the bottom in the crash pad, which is suspiciously softer than normal. As he works to free his feet, he is unconcerned about the possibility of a pantsless fireman descending upon him balls first, which, sadly, is happening with great speed. __ NASA has aircraft which, when flown in parabolic arcs, simulate low-gravity environments. For a price, these planes can be made available to VIPs or Eminem. When Eminem eventually signs up for such an experience, during the first few simulations he will have a hard time adjusting to the environment, and will rely heavily on the crew's actions to keep him safe. If the crew wishes to place their balls on Eminem, little can be done to stop this. __

eminem_dido-balls

__ A malfunction at the theme park has left a roller coaster stuck on the tracks. It's in an nonthreatening position however, stuck on the initial incline, so the maintenance staff are in no great rush to free it. But what's this? Someone has freed themselves from the safety latch on their seat and is standing up! Tear away pants flutter to the ground below as the crowd gapes in shock. EMINEM BALLED A HUNDRED FEET IN THE AIR the local headlines will scream tonight. __ While at the park enjoying a picnic or drug deal, Eminem pauses to seek shelter from the sun under a leafy oak tree. You, disguised as an owl, lower your hindquarters from the branches above. Ever so gingerly you put your balls on Eminem, gently cooing "Hooooooooo. Hoooooooo," to maintain your disguise. __ Eminem is attending his community's annual autumn festival. Begged to take part in the apple bob by his children, Eminem reluctantly agrees. What he doesn't know is that you have taken an apple, hollowed it out, and used it to conceal your penis, which is now angled towards the water surface from underneath where you lie concealed with a snorkel. Your balls thwack once, twice, three times on Eminem's chin before he realizes something untoward has happened. Before he can escape, you latch on to his torso with your legs, pinning your balls to his face for another five seconds before he can struggle free. A major victory. __ Your cousin has landed a position of great responsibility at the water park, where he is responsible for ensuring children are adequately spaced out when descending the water slide. Eminem, enjoying a day of sunshine, approaches the top of the water slide and after a short wait is permitted to go down. You, concealed nearby and covered in butter, sprint after him and down the slide. You easily catch him, and stradle his head for the next 25 slippery seconds while you sing songs from the Little Mermaid. __ Maybe just ask him nicely? Like make it into a little rap:

Check it - got much respect guy Wootcha wootcha wootcha let me drop my nuts on yo thigh? __ Eminem pops into your sporting goods store intent on getting an new, extremely boss looking ball cap. You agree to help him on his quest, and also promise with the utmost sincerity that you will not place your balls on him. The promise sets him on edge initially, but he soon forgets it. After a long search, he finally finds the perfect hat. He purchases it and thanks you profusely.

eminemhat

Eminem raves to all that will listen about your incredible hat and buys many more over the next few months. Your business develops a roaring trade with other celebrities. Meanwhile, a slow acting poison secreted within the hatband of the hat eventually sends Eminem into a deep coma. As a close friend of the singer you visit him regularly in the hospital, placing your balls on him at your leisure, sometimes with tiny costumes. __

Related: Why Eminem Needs to Find Something New to Rap About

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