How to punch Oasis in the face
In Canada yesterday, Oasis star Noel Gallagher was attacked by a fan who leapt up on stage and pushed him over. The show came to a halt for 15 minutes or so while the two brothers conferred backstage, and, I'm guessing, said "Fuck" a lot. The duo did eventually return to the stage to finish the set, much to their fans' delight, as they were anxious to get a chance to finish Noel off. I'm kidding of course. These were Oasis fans after all, who statistically hate Oasis less than anyone else. Here's a clip of the incident. For a critically acclaimed band, Oasis sure are loathed by a huge amount of people. This isn't the first time that they've been attacked on stage. Something similar happened in 1994, when someone managed to actually punch Noel in the face, presumably before being swept away on the crowd's shoulders and publicly acclaimed as the president of England. So what went wrong this time? Instead of punching Noel, why did this attacker only manage a shove (albeit a pretty solid one.) I'll tell you goddamned why. Laziness. We live in an age where physical activity is at an all time low. Amateur sports leagues are contracting, P.E. classes are being canceled to make room for toffee eating classes, and people (you, probably) are getting fatter. As a potential solution to this smelly, doughy problem, below I present an instruction manual for what I hope will become the hot new exercise trend/co-rec sport in the world. Like Tae-Bo, but less ridiculous and more socially redeeming. How to punch Oasis in the face The Basics: 1) Stand with your feet about shoulder width apart, about 2 feet away from Oasis. Turn yourself slightly so your dominant foot is further away from Oasis. 2) Roll the fingers of your dominant hand together into a ball. Clench your thumb on to the side of this ball. 3) Extend your dominant hand towards Oasis' face, straightening the elbow as you do so. Push your shoulder forward on that side and keep the rest of your body weight behind it. 4) When your hand connects with Oasis' face keep pushing! Your mental goal should be to reach a spot 3-4 inches directly behind Oasis' face.
5) You're done. Take this time to reflect upon your accomplishment, or go back to step 1 and try again.
Practical methods for punching Oasis in the face in the Natural and Built Environments:
Jump up on stage, run across it, punch Oasis in the face.
Purchase a delivery truck and paint it in a non-descript way (I like to write "Potatoes" on the side of mine.) Park it outside Oasis' house until they leave for work, then jump out of your truck and punch them in the face.
Conceal yourself within an enormous birthday cake, wait until Oasis' birthday. When Oasis is leaning over the cake to blow out the candles, punch Oasis in the face.
Hide within the ceiling space of a military installation where Oasis is standing guard. Wait for Oasis to walk by, remove a ceiling tile, hang upside down from some pipes and gently tap Oasis' shoulder. Punch Oasis in the face.
Offer to teach Oasis