How to punch Oasis in the face
In Canada yesterday, Oasis star Noel Gallagher was attacked by a fan who leapt up on stage and pushed him over. The show came to a halt for 15 minutes or so while the two brothers conferred backstage, and, I'm guessing, said "Fuck" a lot. The duo did eventually return to the stage to finish the set, much to their fans' delight, as they were anxious to get a chance to finish Noel off. I'm kidding of course. These were Oasis fans after all, who statistically hate Oasis less than anyone else. Here's a clip of the incident. For a critically acclaimed band, Oasis sure are loathed by a huge amount of people. This isn't the first time that they've been attacked on stage. Something similar happened in 1994, when someone managed to actually punch Noel in the face, presumably before being swept away on the crowd's shoulders and publicly acclaimed as the president of England. So what went wrong this time? Instead of punching Noel, why did this attacker only manage a shove (albeit a pretty solid one.) I'll tell you goddamned why. Laziness. We live in an age where physical activity is at an all time low. Amateur sports leagues are contracting, P.E. classes are being canceled to make room for toffee eating classes, and people (you, probably) are getting fatter. As a potential solution to this smelly, doughy problem, below I present an instruction manual for what I hope will become the hot new exercise trend/co-rec sport in the world. Like Tae-Bo, but less ridiculous and more socially redeeming.