Proof Hollywood is Fucking With Us: 2 Mall Cop Movies 1 Year
Hollywood of course has a long history of releasing similar themed movies within months of each other, but this pair feels a little over the top. Two asteroid movies in one year seems downright reasonable in comparison, and even the two volcano movies almost seem plausible. But two movies about mall security in three months? Speaking on behalf of the world, I have to ask, "Hollywood, are you fucking with us?" I haven't seen either of these two movies yet because I'm pretty certain that they're both terrible. (Don't worry; years of writing Internet comedy has given me the ability to make pretty accurate snap judgments like this about movies, other creative works and entire cultures.) Based on the ads alone I can probably tell you exactly the plot of both these movies. They're about mall security guards and are terrible, right? See, easy. The problem is that the concept of "mall security guard" lends itself to five or six really obvious jokes and themes. One big trick with humor is ignoring these obvious jokes, and approaching your target from a different angle. (Failing that, it also helps to insert obscene biological acts, or references to 80s cartoon shows.) Looking at the ads, I can tell that the creators of these two movies did not ignore those obvious jokes, meaning we've already seen these movies before they were released.
In Japan, their movies about mall cops are actually movies about mall cop robots. I love that country so much. Here then are my observations for what the obvious jokes are for a mall cop movie, how to avoid them and, with the insertion of some unnecessarily obscene biological humor, how to make a movie eight billion times better in the process. How can I make such bold claims? Because I write on the Internet and none of you will check my math. __ Obvious Joke/Theme #1: Mall Security Guards are self-serious buffoons who want desperately to be real cops. Not Obvious Joke with the insertion of unnecessarily obscene humor: Syed Chowdhury was a doctor in his native Bangladesh. But because none of his training is recognized in America, he has been forced to take a menial job as a mall security guard to feed his family. The humiliating nature of his job, combined with the low levels of racism he regularly faces, has engendered in him an enormous antipathy towards most Americans in his heart. He relieves these feelings of ill will by rubbing his genitals on selected items in the Williams & Sonoma after hours. Obvious Joke/Theme #2: Mall Security Guards make humiliatingly small salaries, and have horrible home lives because of it. Not Obvious Joke with the insertion of unnecessarily obscene humor: Syed does make a humiliatingly small salary, but works two other jobs at different malls to compensate. To make extra money, Syed operates a private members club after hours in the Sears furniture department, a place where "Spokane's fattest swingers" can come to play. Obvious Joke/Theme #3: Mall Security Guards are fat and lazy. Not Obvious Joke with the insertion of unnecessarily obscene humor: Syed is smaller than average, and possesses the trim physique of a cricket player. His small hands and slender wrists get him unwanted attention from Friendly Mike, a regular at his after-hours club. Friendly Mike produces videos of the sort where things that aren't meant to be inserted into other things, are, repeatedly and vigorously. Obvious Joke/Theme #4: Mall Security Guard gets in over his head when actual criminals perform actual crime in his mall. Hilarity ensues. Not Obvious Joke with the insertion of unnecessarily obscene humor: Syed himself gets caught up in a criminal enterprise within his mall. The wife of one of Spokane's most important car salesmen dies on mall premises during the production of one of Friendly Mike's films. It is not a good death. Hilarity ensues. Obvious Joke/Theme #5: Thanks to some quick thinking, and the use of a useless-seeming skill that was demonstrated earlier in the movie, the Mall Security Guard battles the villains in an action packed sequence. Not Obvious Joke with the insertion of unnecessarily obscene humor: Syed makes things much, much worse, and soon finds himself in the center of a dark carnival of death and intrigue. The film of the car salesman's wife's demise does brisk business thanks to the horror that is the Internet. This business opportunity is seized upon by Syed and Friendly Mike. By day Syed begins offering "parole" programs to shoplifters who want to avoid a criminal record, and by night Friendly Mike films these same shoplifters as they meet horrifically erotic demises between the racks at the Hallmark Store. Obvious Joke/Theme #6: The Mall Security Guard overcomes his enemies and learns some important lessons about himself and life. Not Obvious Joke with the insertion of unnecessarily obscene humor: Syed disposes of the bodies in the dumpsters used by the food court. They go unnoticed as it turns out they already smell like death. He learns that he should stop eating at the food court, perhaps the hardest lesson of all. Obvious Joke/Theme #7: The Mall Security Guard wins the heart of the girl who is much too hot to plausibly be attracted to him. Not Obvious Joke without the insertion of unnecessarily obscene humor: Syed and Friendly Mike begin spending time socially, and soon develop a platonic relationship that is more fulfilling than anything Syed has had in his life. The film ends with the two of them riding a paddle boat in the park, laughing and splashing water on each other. __