The 5 Most Ridiculous Sex Self-Help Books
Sex is something everyone claims to be good at, but very few people actually take the time to research. For a man to be a successful lover, he has to be attentive, fit and focused. As for a woman, she must be awake-ish and attached to her vagina. There aren't very many structured ways to learn how to make love. In school, they taught us about sex by showing us pictures of chancres and child birth until crotches were our sworn enemies. And if pornographic movies seem anything remotely close to instruction manuals to you, the girls you're dating have chancres. Luckily, I searched through dozens of used book stores to find research done on the art of sexing. Say a silent prayer for the genitals of your future lovers, because you're about to read some highly advanced, extremely erotic tips that will take your lovemaking to the next level. #5. How to Make Love with your Clothes On: 101 Ways to Romance your Wife, by David and Anne Frahm This book is a cry for help. My entry into this week's description championships is as follows: Reading the introduction to this book is like reading the panicked ramblings of a man with his dick caught in a Bible while his wife is flapping directly at him on leathery wings holding a Bible laser. He and his wife include so much religion in their sex life that Moses is their safe word, and they use it anytime it goes past first base. Besides a clear message that his wife is out to destroy him, the introduction also included my favorite thing about buying used books--the fact that they're used. When fixing their sex life, the book's previous owner saw only one line worth highlighting: "Things are boring, empty and unexciting." Ha ha ha ha, what an awesome thing to find while searching for something to jerk off to! If you make it past the intro, the book is 101 tips ranging from the obvious to the religious. And as you may have noticed, this book is
CO-written. That means that every now and then, David's wife will add some "notes" to the page. If you listen closely, you can almost hear her screaming over his shoulder as he types.
You know, there are easier ways to get on a porno mailing list, David Frahm. Problems in the bedroom can't be solved by throwing your phone number out the window along with proof that you're desperate. If that worked, my sex life in middle school would have been more than a coupon for control-top panties.
I know women are supposed to be bad with numbers, but I don't think that's going to fool her.
I'm no biblical scholar, but when I read this: "Because of the savor of thy good ointments thy name is as ointment poured forth, therefore do the virgins love thee." That means lubricating virgins, right? If you're so bored that you have to start ritually lubricating virgins as a couple, you're about one step away from hunting humans for sport.
Did this guy think we needed help figuring out what to do with chick movies? Watch them with women!? That's literally their only application. What the fuck else would we do with them? If you look right on the back of the box of Bride Wars, it says "Warning: This film is only to be used to exchange for sex with needy women." Maybe next this fucking genius could write a book called One Thing to do with a Can Opener.
Is his wife a circus clown? Every other piece of sex advice is playing with balloons. And now you want me to come up with seven activities and goodies to put in them? A minute ago, you thought I was so stupid that you had to tell me what a chick movie was for! You know damn well my seven activities and goodies are going to be: new TV, sex with her friend, XBOX 360 Elite, blowjob during Rambo, Twitterring together about how small her ex-boyfriend's penis is, empty balloon and greeting card. David Frahm, you're ruining my life!!!
You know where I could find one, asshole? Because the only thing interesting about your book is how it's trying to make sex extinct.