Now sure, they kind of shit on that woman, but it was definitely "kind of." It was "Why'd you put macadamia nuts in here?", not "Lean forward while I drive this corkscrew through your temple." But taking criticism with a nod and a degree of self-reflection is for shit that happens in Margaret Atwood novels. We demand emotional breakdowns and half-assed tantrums! If I have to endure watching someone cook eggplant, it better end with them tearing the hair from their scalp and running full bore into traffic while screaming or else what's the point? This same approach is reflected ten fold on America's Got Talent where it seems like your best chance for impressing Howie Mandel is to show up with one hand holding in your exposed entrails after being gored by a bull.

Oh man! Absentee, junkie parents and dead children? Who's ready to be entertained?! Jesus Christ, AGT, stop trying to emotionally ball punch the universe and just show us parrots that can play the piano.

But the producers of Funderdome didn't give a shit about that when they offered him his 17th TV show. He looks stylish and people know who he is, and that's all that matters. Literally all, because no one wanted Funderdome and unlike other shows which may sound dumb to you, you can objectively prove Funderdome's suckability. Not only is it an inferior ripoff of shows like Shark Tank in which inventors beg for funding, it's so abysmal that hackers leaked it online and no one watched it. Literally, no one chose to download it.

20th Television/Debmar-Mercury
But how? How could anyone not download all of those HILARIOUS reactions?

Naturally the first couple of episodes are bound to get a number of views from grandparents -- episode one of Funderdome had about six million. Just don't expect those numbers to hold up over the weeks since the show is essentially Steve Harvey making fun of people's life works and then telling strangers to vote on what random product they feel deserves validation and which one gets thrown in the trash. Your best bet is to go on the show with a revolutionary new mustache comb.

Funderdome is an answer to a question that not only no one asked, it's one no one had even considered: How can we get more Steve Harvey on TV? Steve Harvey is like a set of keys being proffered to a small monkey. Yes they're shiny and make noise when you jingle them, but what the fuck does a monkey need keys for? What do we need Steve Harvey for? To look faux-baffled when someone on Family Feud answers the question "What's the last thing you stuck your finger in?" with a predictably dirty answer?

The hole ABC has chosen to squat over for this new show is a strange one and what's burbling inside is equally bizarre. Mike Myers, who you may recall as Shrektin Powers, is Tommy Maitland. He's hosting in character. And of course, everyone knows that but they're still presenting it as if Tommy Maitland is real. And you have to sit and guess if the network is seriously trying to trick you, or if it's all some meta thing where it's supposed to be humor, but the humor isn't funny. And it's not even "not funny" really, it's just devoid of anything worth actually feeling something about. It's the beige of feelings.

Some people, if internet forums and Twitter responses are to be believed, are genuinely unsure if Mike Myers is the host. And maybe that's what ABC is going for. Maybe Myers is 2017's Blair Witch, forcing people to decry its falsehood on one side of the fence, while a strange contingent of others swallow Tommy Maitland whole hog and maybe share stories about how they heard about him years ago so they know he's legit. I have no idea. All I know is, to me, that's clearly fuckin' Mike Myers doing the same English accent he's done for literally 25 years now and I not only don't know why, I can't even make myself care. I can just look at it and see it's a thing and tell you it's a thing while ABC plays pretend because nothing is more magical than the power of imagination.

Sony Pictures Television
Well, imagination and MIKE MYERS IN FUNNY HATS AND SLIGHT MAKEUP. I AM A CHILD AGAIN.

Even formulaic drama like Law And Order tries to ease a variety of farts under the sheet every so often but the only thing that changes on America's Got Talent is the order in which people make you face palm. Tune in to any given episode in any given year and you're probably going to see a child who sings like an adult, a person who seems too old to be doing something yet excels at it, a couple that is revolutionizing dance, a magician who does something you can't explain and, if it's in the early rounds, a handful of people who have no idea what music sounds like.

Chopped has been on TV since food was created and every episode is literally the same. It's stunning when you think about it. Here are four ingredients even a hobo wouldn't eat together, now cook something while three professional chefs judge you for either making trash edible or somehow failing in that task.

Food Network
"I made these eggs out of an apple, a bottle of vinegar, some cat hair, and a KFC Double Down."

These shows have grasped the simple premise that every game show grasped years ago: If you like this one thing now, you're going to like it forever. Is Wheel Of Fortune ever going to throw you a curveball? No. You could watch these shows after a bottle of tequila and six licks of an unhappy toad and it wouldn't change a thing. They're as regular as nap time and just as challenging.