But the American government wasn't going to let some suicide bomber distract from our athletes' domination of the medals table. That's why they sent 1,000 spies down to Brazil to make sure everything is hunky-dory. So some of those seemingly drunk spectators with flags sticking out of their hair dancing around to ABBA at the men's beach volleyball could actually be putting their lives on the line. If that isn't enough, all 17 U.S. intelligence agencies (did you know we had 17 intelligence agencies?!) are working with the Brazilian government and doing everything from vetting the athletes themselves to monitoring known terrorists' social media accounts.
"That Michael Phelps is so hot. I totally want to blow him ... up."
To top it off, it just so happens that all branches of the military sent athletes to the Games this year. So if some jackass intent on doing harm does get past all the security precautions, he better not target certain shooting, boxing, or wrestling competitions, or he might find himself laid out, Greco-Roman style.
USA! USA! USA!