Heretofore Unknown and Exclusive Secrets of Lindsay Lohan's Gooch and Funbags


The whole of the world's news media (Starpulse, TMZ, the lady who does my manicures) is abuzz about LiLo's nude shots in NY Magazine. Well, I suppose it was "Just My Luck" that I happen to know Brent Stern, the photographer who snapped the pics, and he helped me "Get a Clue" about what the experience was like. Sounds like it was quite a "Freaky Friday," although it occured on a Tuesday. I guess you could say "I Know Who Killed Me!" So what was it like to re-shoot something you already shot of someone imitating a dead woman they look nothing like? I think I'll let the man speak for himself. Without further ado, Brent Stern's behind-the-lens info on the shoot!

"This was our first shot of the day, and classic Marilyn. Nearly perfect, in fact, down to the "tattoo" on Lindsay's right buttock. Ironically, we had forgotten about the tattoo in Marilyn's photo; Lindsay just happened to sit in some gunk right before the shot."
"This pink cloth is supposed to represent the virginal state of the model, a chiffon hymen if you will. True to Marilyn's original poses, Lindsay had just finished giving oral sex to JFK. Only Lindsay's JFK was Jerry Frances King, our lighting technician. Way to go, Jer."
"Naturally, once we got a closer look, we realized a blue polka dot pattern would more accurately represent Ms. Lohan's disease-ravaged vaginal interior."
"Interesting fact: this photo was the only in the set not to be color corrected. Lindsay is actually an ashen gray."
"They don't let us name the shots, but I secretly call this one "nips ahoy!""
"At this point Lindsay had become tired of shooting and wanted to go dancing at a club. Thankfully, one of my more resourceful assisstants tossed a net over her and we were able to calm her down with a plate of cocaine."
"After we'd managed to lull her to sleep with a few bumps of coke (her tolerance is such that anything under a kilo acts as a mild sedative), assisstants replaced the lace netting with a string of restraint diamonds, ionized so as to counterract Lindsay's (rumored) teleportation abilities."
"Readers may have had quite a different interpretation of this photograph if they knew that Lindsay was farting continuously throughout."
"As Raul applied Lindsay's makeup, I snapped some shots of the back of her head, hoping to convince my editors to run with those instead. Alas."
"Here, Lindsay displays her unfurled labia. We kind of all agreed to stop shooting after that."
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael makes retro throwback videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!

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