If you're like me, and like to keep abreast of developments in the world of markets and finance, then you probably know that the world economy is headed into the toilet faster than Kate Moss after a breakfast buffet, and we may soon be in for a depression so great it'll make Heath Ledger look like Richard Simmons.
Sure, you're thinking, sucks to be us, but what can an 18-to-34 year-old unemployed couch-dwelling male such as myself do to help? Well, I'm glad you asked, my freeloading friend, because the Cracked Economic Forum has just the suggestions to help you help the United States and its global subsidiaries get back to kicking monetary ass with
extreme prejudice. Let's begin!
Get your own affairs in order. This is beneficial because a) you can make smarter buying decisions, such as purchasing an awesome Wii at only an 80% markup, instead of a suckass Playstation that was probably built by gay Communists; b) having any affairs whatsoever would be awesome because before you can have affairs you have to be dating someone; and c) you've got six months to live.
Create a budget and stick to it: One of the most difficult things for ordinary non-rich people to do is to give themselves a set budget. One way to do this is to arrange to have pre-set spending limits on your credit cards, gas cards, and prostitutes.
Save, save, save: It's a little-known fact that in order to save money, you have to not spend it. So try cutting down on frivolous purchases like gold-plated jock-straps, silk cat-box liners, and soap.
Invest, invest, invest: With all that money you'll save by denying yourself the things that make life worth living, you can do the economy a favor by investing in well-chosen stocks and bonds. For example, experts believe that shares of Cracked.com are poised to skyrocket, and are currently a bargain at $0.65 a dozen, or half of that pizza you've got in the fridge.
Spend, spend, spend: That's right, forget all that crap about saving, because to get money, you've got to spend money. So get out there and stimulate our retail sector by dropping your hard-earned dough on fine purchases like a new hybrid car that runs on part gasoline and part coal, a new preëmptive war, or a lovely new pair of breasts for your girlfriend or mother.
I hope these suggestions will be helpful to you over the coming years of hardship and terror; if not, might I suggest you get back to work mounting those machine guns on your Civic? Those subhuman gangs of murderous road scavengers aren't going to blow away themselves.