Don't Be Like Jessica Simpson: A Lesson For Young Girls Everywhere

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Lately, there’s been a lot of questions about Jessica Simpson’s weight gain. Questions like: Is she fat? How fat is she? How did she get so fat? And, wait, who's Jessica Simpson again?  Well, you might remember her as the once svelte singer and actress whose songs you don't own and whose movies you haven’t seen. But more likely, you remember Jessica Simpson only as that naughty, barely legal piece of eye candy you could convince to have sex with you by promising a brand new unicorn and/or Travis Tritt tickets. Well, times have changed and now everyone’s talking about the new Jessica:

Yeah, but don’t feel too bad. True, she may have been called fat by many different people, but hordes of
utterly unimportant celebrities have also rallied to Jessica’s defense and castigated the media for this name-calling. Over and over they plead their case: "Leave Jessica alone! What kind of message is this sending to young girls everywhere?” Well, I'd like to take this opportunity to answer that question: It’s sending a wonderful message! Are you listening young ladies? The lesson is clear and true:

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T BE LIKE JESSICA SIMPSON!

Do you want to be ridiculed? Do you want to be unloved? Do you want to be mocked on the cover of national magazines? Perhaps, even by the
President? Then I urge you:

DON’T BE LIKE JESSICA SIMPSON!

Oh, but before anyone gets too uppity, I should clarify: I’m not telling you never to gain 10 or 15 pounds. I’m not saying that only skinny women deserve love. No no no. That misses the point. I’m saying don’t be like Jessica Simpson. You know, don’t be a no-talent shell of a celebrity with absolutely nothing going for you aside from your kicking body. Because guess what? Once that body goes, and it will go (as surely as Jessica goes for the last remaining Twinkie in her Costco-sized package of Hostess treats), you’ll be nothing. The whole reason it’s wrong to define women by their appearance is because it unfairly overlooks all their more important talents, qualities and achievements. But in the case of Jessica Simpson, I’m just not sure what those are. Wasn’t her only talent the ability to unite 14-year-old boys and dirty old men in a mutual interest? Am I missing something? Calling Jessica Simpson tubby does not unfairly obscure our appreciation of her musical talents. I mean, I hear she’s opening up for Rascal Flatts next week (yeah, I don’t know what that is, either). And if she were a better actress, we probably wouldn’t notice her difficulty in creating a waist even with two leopard print belts working overtime. But her former ability to wear Daisy Duke shorts is just not the stuff Oscars are made of.

Do you understand, girls? No one is saying that chubby women are worthless. But everyone is saying that no one cares about worthless women who used to have good bodies. And don’t think this is confined to women. Do you think Keanu Reeves would still get work if he let himself go? Oh really? When’s the last time you saw Val Kilmer in a summer blockbuster? So the key here is don’t be useless. And set your sights higher than Jessica Simpson. Emulate women who have, you know, done something. And the great thing is, if you do that, you won’t have to worry about your dress size. And you won’t have to run to your MySpace page crying about the mean things blogging scum like me have said about you.

So listen up, ladies; next time you want to supersize your value meal, first ask yourself this question: “Am I an uneducated, no talent, individual whose future livelihood depends solely on my appearance because I have absolutely no other redeeming characteristics?” If not, congratulations. You’ve probably read a book. Keep it up. But if the answer to that question is “yes,” then just know you’re running the risk of losing your only asset and being laughed at by an entire nation. At least for a few minutes until we forget about you completely.
Find out more about Gladstone, including his coveted Facebook address at Kafka Lives In Maine.

Related: UPDATE: Certified Tuna Expert, Jessica Simpson Speaks Out Over Subway Fish Controversy

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